Day 28

Vacations are fun, right? Of course they are! I'm going to visit a dear friend and her 3 (soon to be 4) kiddos whom I adore, so why am I acting like a crazy woman?

Hi, I'm Kim and I love routines! Seriously, give me a routine to follow and I will follow it slavishly if not always happily. That smile you see when I'm doing burpees at 5:40 am: not for the burpees let me assure you of that. The smile is because I am following my routine. There is a comfort in knowing what each day will bring.

Please don't think I can't step out of my routines, I can and I will. I am so EXCITED to get on that plane tomorrow night and then step off in New York City. I know my time with my friend will be exactly what I need (and hopefully what she needs too), but there's a little stress this time.

I know what to do at home, because I've been doing it now for 4 weeks. I know that these changes aren't just for the competition, they are for the rest of my life. That means I need to learn to live this way outside of my comfort zones at home, at work and at boot camp. Just when I thought I'd gotten rid of my comfort zones, I discover they've just moved. Ah well, I stepped outside them once: I'll be doing it again and again.

Life is about change and unless I'm planning on hiding under a rock changes are coming. In 8 more weeks the Mooser competition will be over. In about a year's time I will be about to graduate with a Master's Degree in Education. After that I have no idea where I'm headed, but I know there will be more change coming at me.

I will be getting 6 workouts in this week as well. I have DVD workouts to follow. I have an instructor who is expecting me to check in (though he may well wish I'd go away after a couple of days) and my friend is committed to making sure my workouts happen.

I have got this! I am going to make this week a success!

I just thought of something I HAVE to share. Something I am REALLY excited for, in addition to seeing my friend's smiling face! I can't wait to get on the plane tomorrow night and sit in my seat. The airline I'm using is better than most airlines, but the seats still aren't built to accommodate anyone who isn't "normal-sized". I flew the same airline in October and I fit in the seat, but it was tight and I sure as heck wasn't moving around much to get comfortable. Comfort wasn't even a consideration. All I remember thinking was "Oh please let the seat belt fit!" I'm looking forward to sitting in the seat tomorrow night and seeing a difference. I don't expect to suddenly have room to fit another person in the seat with me, but I'm pretty sure there will be some wiggle room this time. I'm really looking forward to that.

So when I started this post I was seriously stressed about this vacation. Right now I feel pretty calm. I'm sure there will be challenges and probably a few bumps to overcome, but I have the tools, I have the intelligence and I have the strength to figure it all out! I'm not perfect by a long shot, but I am committed to the changes I am making and I CAN DO IT!

To all of you who take the time to read this blog I hope you are getting something out of it. I'm writing this for myself, so I can look back and remember where I was as time passes, but I'm writing for other people too. Honestly, anyone reading this blog can do what I'm doing. I don't have any special skills or abilities just a desire to change. That's all you need to make a change is the desire and willingness to bring that change about.

As always, thanks for reading and supporting me!

Day 25

Upping my workouts to 6 times per week this week. So if any of you have some extra money you'd like to use to buy some stocks I recommend buying stock in the company that manufactures Advil. That's my helpful financial tip for the day.

My fourth workout of the week was tonight. I'm still able to walk...the cats only lapped me twice on the way to the basement to feed them. The first week Gizmo lapped me 4 times and finally gave up hope and went back to bed before I made it to the food and food bowls. Just for reference, Gizmo is a 24 pound orange and white cat who does not hurry anywhere. It's possible I'm exaggerating a little, but trust me, not by much.

Nutritionally I've been doing well. There are times I slip and skip a meal or eat something that isn't the most supportive choice I could make, but those times are occurring less and less often. I might want to eat that chocolate chip cookie the moment I see it, but I'm working so hard to make changes in my health that it had better be the very best chocolate chip cookie every made before I'm going to want to eat it. I do have cheat meals. I try to keep myself to 1 or 2 per week and I make sure they are only that meal, not an entire day. It's not always easy, but change requires hard work and some sacrifice: I'm ready for it.

I'm a little nervous about next week. I'm going to be away from boot camp for most of it. I am excited for my trip: visiting a friend who lives on Staten Island, NY. I'm nervous because it will be me and my DVDs, no boot camp classes, no semi-private training. I know I can do it. I know my friend will make sure I work out, she will encourage me and keep me going, but it won't be quite the same. That's okay, I have email addresses and Facebook and I'm not afraid to use them.

I'm looking forward to coming back after vacation and having my measurements taken. Don't worry, as soon as I have my measurements they will be posted here. I shared the starting measurements, I'll share them every step of the way.

In other news I realized tonight I'm changing physically. Not that I'm seeing many physical changes yet, but my clothes are fitting differently. A denim shirt that belonged to my step dad, that I could never close, but wore as a blazer, now buttons. A shirt in size 18/20 fit me. It was a little form-fitting, but it wasn't uncomfortable, just a new experience for me.

I'm changing emotionally too. I've always been content to be the shy one, quiet and timid. Someone who enjoyed the background and didn't want center stage or the spotlight. I had a comfort zone and I stayed there never venturing outside. Now that I've pushed myself outside my comfort zone I'm discovering that being shy, quiet and timid isn't what I want anymore. I want to roar! Not to be overbearing or screaming: ME! ME! ME! but I want to stand up for myself because I am important and  I do matter! I'm not on my way to being an obnoxious attention hog. There will be situations where I might have sat back and said nothing when I will speak up and let my voice be heard. I'll pick my battles carefully, but I will pick them and I will fight them. Some people will not appreciate the new me, but I'm not worried about those people. As Dr. Seuss said: "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind".

I can't believe that soon I will be a third of the way through the Biggest MOOser competition. When the 12 weeks ends that won't mean my journey is over: it will mean I'm 12 weeks into a brand new life.

Day 21

I've been thinking about my goals a lot this week. Not that they aren't always on my mind, but buying those size 16 jeans yesterday brought those goals front and center in a big way. They look so small and I'm not seeing a different me in the mirror yet so it seemed like so much wishful thinking to believe I was going to fit into them.

So I got them home, hung them up on my closet door and just stared at them for a good long while. The entire time I was setting up my new laptop one eye was on those jeans and the voices in my head weren't all positive and affirming. I blocked the negative voices as best I could and I looked at my goals (a nicely laminated copy just happens to sit on my bedside table). I CAN do this!

I was chosen as a semi-finalist which means someone thought I could do this. I was voted in as one of the finalists which to me says my friends believe I can do this too, or they wouldn't have voted for me. So it's probably well past time to change the voices I choose to listen to and let the positive comments and support in instead.

So what to do with all those negative angry comments I have listened to up to this point. As hard as it is I am writing them all down in a journal. You never realize the awful things you believe about yourself or say to yourself until you commit them to paper. I am appalled to put it mildly. I am a teacher, I care for all of my students: I would NEVER speak to them the way I speak to myself, nor would I allow them to speak to me or each other that way. I would never say things like that to my friends. How can it possibly be okay to speak to myself that way?

The truth is it is NOT okay, it has NEVER been okay, but until very recently I didn't care enough to stop.

When the journal is full I plan to burn it.

I recently learned that someone I've admired much of my life called me a loyal friend and a great defender, because I chose to stand up for what was right when a dear friend was being bullied and harassed. If I won't let people bully my friends I can't let myself be bullied either.

So what sorts of exercise have I been up to since I posted last?

Thursday night was TRX Rows and Push Press, then it was supposed to be Kettlebell Swings and Burpees, but my knee was still pretty sore and unstable so I got planks and some other ab torture move (leg lifts maybe). A couple rounds of each of those and I was ready for some Burpees.

Saturday was Escalator. You start off in a station and do 10 seconds of work, 10 seconds of rest, then 20 seconds of work and 20 seconds of rest, then 30 seconds of work and 30 seconds of rest. Our stations were Push Press, Battle Ropes, Plate Pushes and Jumping Lunges or Weighted Lunges. Not an easy workout at all and I felt it last night. A nice Epsom salt soak and I felt better.

Am I perfect at all the exercises? No. Do I try? Yes I do. I get discouraged too: I want to have the stamina to keep going when I don't think I can, and many times I find that drive to keep going, sometimes it isn't there though and I can accept that. This is MY BODY and MY LIFE and I will give it my all, but I am responsible for knowing when I might need a second to catch my breath before I tackle the challenge again.

As always...thanks for reading and feel free to comment if you like. I'm going to keep writing, it's one of the things I love to do, but everyone likes a pat on the back or an "atta girl".

PS: Those size 16 jeans: I was able to pull them up to the tops of my thighs, almost to my hips. So my goals might be lofty, but they are not unattainable.

Day 17

Again I get to answer the question: What do you do when you encounter a "bump" in the road? To borrow a phrase from a friend: I'm pulling up my big girl panties and moving forward. 

This time it was my right knee. I was doing step-ups with weights and on my last step up there was a "pop". Nothing earth-shattering, nothing that made me want to scream or cry, just an uh-oh and a gasp. I finished semi-private training though. Maybe not doing exactly what was planned for me to do, but I finished. I did modified step-ups and completed 4 rounds of 8 push ups and even pulled that sled 1 and 1/2 rounds. I was pretty pleased with myself, especially since I had completed a boot camp class before semi-private training started. 

Before my "bump" came a moment that I still can't quite believe. I was able to dead lift over 200 pounds, I don't remember exactly how much it was, but I DID IT! I have more strength than I thought I did. It felt good to be able to do it and I still grin when I think of it, even if the thought occurs to me while I'm moving slowly down a hallway. I did it and I'm going to heal and do even more amazing things: just watch me.

You knew I was going to have a soul baring moment in this blog, here it comes! 

I came close last week to ending this blog. People are commenting on it, telling we how they enjoy my posts and writing style and it made me uncomfortable. I tend to try and fly under the radar when possible. I felt a little panicky and wasn't sure continuing this was in my best interest. I didn't think I was strong enough or important enough to be getting attention. I wanted to continue on unnoticed. Sometimes life has other plans.

I finally realized last night that I AM STRONG. That dead lift drove the message home in a way no one's words ever could. I proved to myself that I have the physical strength to do something I would have said was impossible five minutes before. In fact, before I stepped up to the weight to lift it I watched Ben add more plates and thought he was nuts. Turns out he knew exactly what he was doing and the feeling of lifting that much weight 6 times was pretty incredible.

So now I move forward. I will move slowly and follow directions and advice, but I am not quitting. I am not quitting my blog, I am not quitting my workouts and I am not quitting this transformation. Would it be easier to quit? Undoubtedly, but I'm stubborn and determined. Whether at the end of the 12 weeks I am the biggest mooser or not I've won already: I made new friends, changed my life for the better and discovered a pretty wonderful person: ME.


Now I'll leave you with a quote I have posted on my filing cabinet at work: 

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Day 11

I thought since I shared my starting measurements with you, I would share my goals with you. They've been reviewed and approved by "the boss" so here they are. (there really should be a drum roll or something...I'll work on that)

By the end of the Biggest MOOser Transformation Competition, I plan to achieve the following goals:

Current Weight: 293 lb
Goal Weight: 243 lb (-50 lb)

Body Fat: 37.9%
Goal Body Fat: 31.9% (-6%)

Body Measurements:
Current Hips: 54.75"
Goal Hips: 44.75" (-10 in.)

Thigh: 27.75"
Goal Thigh: 21.75" (-6 in)

Waist: 44"
Goal Waist: 38" (-6 in)

Arm: 14.5"
Goal Arm: 12.5" (-2 in)

Total: Lose 22 inches

Currently I wear a size 22 in jeans. I would like to be comfortably wearing a size 16 in jeans (able to sit, stand, bend over and still breathe)

Exercise Goals:
1. Do 10 push-ups on my toes without stopping.
2. Perform 15 Burpees in one minute
3. Do 12 rows in 50 seconds
4. 50 seconds of val slider crawls without dropping to my knees.
5. 1 unassisted pull-up (personally not sure this one will happen, but I'm going to give my very best effort!)

So there they are. Lofty, but not unattainable. Now I need to get my short-term objectives written. Fortunately, I'm a Special Educator so I spend a good deal of time writing goals and objectives. I've never written them for myself, but I'm pretty sure it's the same concept: specific, measurable & time-bound.

One more bit of news: I got top performer in boot camp tonight. Now I have another exercise I am going to master. Gorilla Cleans...watch out I'm going to get you!

Closing in on the end of week 2 and I can't believe time is going so fast. This is just the start though, my journey doesn't end when the competition does. It continues for the rest of my life. The next 41 years will be so much healthier than the first 41!

Day 9

I've been thinking a lot about why I wanted this opportunity so much the last few days. I've always been the "fat girl". I don't remember a time I could ever shop in the regular women's sizes for clothing. It's always been the plus size department for me.


Do you want to know what excites me most about this transformation? Imagining the day I can walk into a store and into the woman's department and buy something there!


A close second would be becoming stronger.


I've also always been the "too sensitive" one. If there is a way to misread intentions or actions I'll find it. Somehow I got the idea I'm not worth much. I'm a hard worker, a good friend, a good teacher but those labels were bestowed on me by other people. I want to be strong enough to know who I am and how much worth I have. I want to be strong enough to see myself as other people see me. I want to be strong enough to have people notice me and not want to run and hide.


I want to be strong.


So to that end I push myself: I will hold the pose or do one more rep. I might stop for a break thinking I can't do one more, but I try. Am I always successful? No, I'm not perfect and that's okay. I am making progress, I will continue to make progress.


Someday, the day will come when I will see this person others tell me I am. She sounds like a person I'd really like to know.


So, now that I'm past the bare my soul moment in my blog I suppose you'd like to know what I've been up to in the past 2 days. Read on...


Monday
Engine 8
~Wow did this one kick my butt. Valslider crawls, planks, offset walking lunges, renegade rows and others I can't remember right now. It was a hard workout, but I felt good when I was done. I didn't even mind the foam roller (though I have to tell you, that roller sure doesn't feel like it's made of foam!)


Tuesday
Fight Gone Bad
~Another toughie, but it felt good. Even when I couldn't complete another rep and had to take a break to puke I was glad I was doing this.  One of these days I'll pay more attention in class and actually be able to tell you what we did.


Semi-private training
Let me say at the beginning, I won't be doing 2 in a row again for a little bit. I surprised myself though: I had something left to give during training. Theresa was a great partner: encouraging and supportive. I hope I was as good! We did  dead lifts, squat presses with kettlebells, walking lunges with the same kettlebell, then battle ropes and another round with those valsliders.


With that I am going to go to go soak my tired muscles. Thank you for reading and taking the time to join me on my journey.

Day 7

Spent a long time planning this post in my mind last night, but didn't get around to writing it. This should have been my first post, not my fourth, but I was a bit reluctant to put it out there for the world to see. You'll understand that statement better soon enough.

I am going to post my starting measurements for everyone who reads or happens upon this blog to see. Why in the world would I do this you might be asking yourself. Well, keeping the numbers between myself and my instructor isn't going to help anyone else. Maybe just maybe knowing where I'm starting from could help someone else. Also, when I am measured again I plan to share that so you might as well know where I'm starting out. Besides, these are just numbers: they tell you nothing about who I am as a person, nor do they measure my worth. They are simply numbers and to keep them to myself gives them a power they don't have.

Okay, (deep breath) here goes:

Weight: 293 pounds

Body Fat Percentage: 37.9%

Hips: 54.75 inches

Waist: 44 inches

Thighs: 27.75 inches

Arm (upper): 14.5 inches

So there you have it. That is where I am starting from. This blog is my thank you to all the people who took time from their lives to vote for me so I could have this amazing opportunity to learn from an amazing instructor and train with a fantastic group of people. 

To any of you out there reading this thinking you could never do this: you can. There isn't a magic formula and certainly no magic wand to wave that makes the inches and pounds disappear, but with hard work and attention to nutrition anyone can make a change. 

Remember too: being a good person isn't dependent on inches or pounds. You can have the prettiest, best exterior for the world to see and still be a mean, nasty, rotten, hateful person on the inside. It's not what the world sees that counts, it's who you are on the inside. 

My reason for wanting to do this is because I want to be healthier and stronger to face life's joys and "bumps" not because I want a prettier exterior. 

Day 5

When you hit a bump in the road what do you do? 

I've been asking myself that question since Thursday afternoon at about 4:30. One lunge and the muscle on the back of my left thigh let me know in no uncertain terms that I did something it didn't like at all. Some people might have stopped at this point and asked the instructor for help. Me, well...I'm stubborn, so I tried the lunge on my right side. Same feeling on that side. A part of me demanded I keep going, that I work through the pain. 

The wiser voice I rarely listen to asserted itself "STOP!" echoed through my head and I stopped. Limped my way over to the wall and just stood there breathing and furious with myself. Oh yeah, there were tears too. To everyone who took a moment from their workout to ask if I was okay and encourage me: thank you so so much! I may not have been very gracious at the time, but the words meant so much. 

The instructor, Tyler, was wonderful. He had me do some stretches and even let me use the white roller to try and roll out the soreness. My muscles were having none of that. I was determined to do SOMETHING so Tyler suggested planks. Then I tried the bike and ended with push ups.

A fellow boot camper and good friend hurt herself too and she did push ups with me at the end and kept encouraging me and assuring me it was okay, Ben would be able to work with this and he'd make sure I got some workout in.

Did he ever. I made it in at 5:30 this morning and Ben greeted me with a smile and "Hey hop along!" The joke was what I needed, there was a good chance I might have cried otherwise. I felt embarrassed and so disappointed in my body for betraying me. 

I used the roller with the group and did a modified warm-up then it was time for the workout. Instead of Suicide Sprints and Burpees, Ben brought the bike out for me and I did sprints on that. At first I felt like I was cheating, not working as hard as the others...all the negative garbage. I wasn't running or doing Burpees, but I was trying to push myself and Ben was right there making sure I was pushing.

So week 1 is coming to an end. What have I learned?

1. Listen to your body, don't be a stubborn fool.

2. Sometimes the best thing someone can do is make a joke to put your bump in the road in perspective.

3. That negative voice in my head has GOT to GO! 

4. Eating supportively isn't hard, but it requires some planning and it's an on-going process.

5. This is only the beginning of a journey that I'm going to be on the rest of my life.


6. Even if your comfort zone is so far behind you it can't be seen anymore it is going to be okay. I'm stronger than I think I am.

7. When you think you've had enough water...go ahead and have some more. It's good for you!

8. With exercise I can actually get through the day with 1 mug of coffee in the morning.

Well, this is the end of week 1. I'm going to haul my sore butt and my bottle of water upstairs for a nice soak in some Epsom salts. Stay tuned...I'll have much more to share!

Day 4

I'm still stiff and sore, ibuprofen is my new friend and I have never been happier.

Am I going to tell you that in 2 boot camp workouts and 1 cardio session with a friend I've come to adore exercise? Nope, I'm not there yet. I'm not sure I'll ever reach a place where I jump out of bed thinking: "YES! I get to exercise today", but I consider it progress that I'm not crying over the fact I need to exercise.

It's early yet to notice much of a difference, but I have noticed some changes:

1. I'm not feeling stressed out all the time. The things that stress me out are still going on, but I'm finding it doesn't bother me.

2. I'm paying much more attention to what I put in my mouth. Case in point, I was in a restaurant last night for trivia night and there were Nachos on the menu. I LOVE Nacho's. I didn't order them. In fact I had a small salad and some protein before I left home and the only things I had while at the restaurant were a piece of bread and 2 diet sodas. HUGE VICTORY!

I can't wait to keep adding to this list. I'll be even happier to reach the point where my body has adjusted to my new water intake so I don't log a mile walking to and from bathrooms all day.

This isn't just a 12 week program and then I'm cured. This is a new lifestyle I am going to adopt. I need the supportive nutrition and I need the exercise. I'm never going to look like a super model, but that's not my goal. I want to be confident, strong and comfortable in my own body.

Stay tuned for more reports...next post I'll try to tell you about some of the work we've been doing this first week.