Last weekend I cleaned out my closet and dressers and removed all of the clothes that were too big for me. They sat in my bedroom all week while I pondered what to do with them. The reasonable, logical answer was to get rid of them. The emotional, less supportive answer was that I needed to hold onto those clothes in case I regained the weight and inches I have lost. After all there were pants and shirts I was pulling out that I had never worn so shouldn't I keep them "just in case"?
That's where I've changed the most. As soon as I tacked "just in case" onto my thought I knew there was no way those clothes were staying. I bagged them all up and dropped them off where they will be worn and enjoyed by someone else.
So now I have more room in my closet. I like not having the pile of clothing in my laundry baskets, but the doubting part of my mind is not happy. The clothing I could have fallen back on is gone. If I regain what I lost I'm in the market for new clothes.
The truth I've come to terms with now is that I am not going back. The Biggest Mooser competition has changed me forever. I feel better physically and emotionally. I still get my feelings hurt too easily and I will cry at the drop of a hat.
I know something new about myself now: I AM STRONG. I am NOT the world's doormat. I still strive to be flexible, kind, helpful and accommodating, but I will not be treated like I don't matter. I do matter, I am important. I always was important, but I didn't see that.
This week is a bittersweet one. The final week of the Biggest Mooser competition. Also the final week of my second year in the Vermont Mathematics Initiative program as a "2nd year". After this weekend I will be in my final year. In May 2013 I will earn a master's degree in curriculum and instruction with a specialization in K-8 Mathematics from UVM (say that 5 times fast...or try to. I get the giggles about the second time through).
More about the Mooser Competition because honestly that's where my mind is most of the time. I'm over the sleepless nights part (thanks to some advice and a pep talk from Mary H. last Wednesday morning). The nerves and fear are still there. It is in the end a competition and it's coming to an end. That means someone will win. Honestly, when I think about my experience I can't imagine any feeling topping going on the deadlift board. Do I want to win? Of course I do-I'm as competitive as anyone else, but I've already won: I'm not afraid to live my life and go where my path takes me.
There are so many people who have supported and encouraged me through this journey...I would love to name you all here, but I know I'd forget someone and then I'd feel awful. So please know that I have so appreciated the support and the encouragement. The comments about this blog and the analogies to help me look at things in a different way have been so so helpful and motivating.
The journey isn't over yet...I'm planning new goals and objectives for myself now because I'm not finished yet. The transformation has just begun.
If you are interested next Monday morning around 8:10 am the Moosers will be at Moo92 for final measurements and announcement of the winner. You can listen online or listen on the radio. It has been wonderful getting to know Theresa, Andrea and Amanda. We've shared quite the adventure together. Ben has definitely kept his promise and kicked our butts.
Thanks for reading and stay tuned for the final numbers and how I did meeting my goals next week!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
Day 82
Sorry about the lack of a post on Tuesday last week and this week. I wasn't feeling inspired at the time. A million things were swirling through my head, jumbled, disorganized, mostly negative thoughts. No way did I want to share those with other people. I didn't want to be having most of those thoughts and I didn't know how to put them into words anyway.
On April 30 the Biggest Mooser competition will come to an end. Theresa, Andrea, Amanda and I will go to Moo92 for final measurements and the announcement of the winner. This has been a big focus of my anxiety and worry. I've been on an adventure (thanks for that word Mary, it sums the experience up perfectly) for the past 12 or more weeks and it will be ending soon. I have the tools to carry this forward I know I do, but I'm worried and anxious. I'm standing in what feels like a safe place right now and looking out at a future that isn't as clear. I'm losing some sleep over this, let's be honest.
What I keep trying to remind myself, with varying degrees of success is that the instructors will still be there when I'm not a Mooser, Bootcamp will still be there. Most importantly my friends will still be there. All the people who have supported and encouraged me to keep pushing and keep moving through the competition will still be there.
I have new goals in mind too for after the competition. Some goals I set for myself when I started this Mooser journey will likely be on the list since I may not have met them yet. I plan to try my first half-marathon ever in January 2013. When I can barely jog a quarter of a mile, 13.1 miles seems impossible, but I know I can do it. I might not be the first to finish the race, but I WILL finish it.
So, enough of my anxieties...let's focus on some positive:
1. I've discovered that when I double up on my workouts now I actually have energy to give to the second workout. I'm not saying I don't give my best effort in my first workout. I'm saying I've developed some endurance and stamina.
2. Despite some "bumps" strains, sprains and super sore muscles I haven't quit. I've overslept more times than I wanted to, but I get a workout in anyway. I've discovered if I don't exercise the only person I'm cheating is myself.
3. I have muscles! Yes, I know I had them before, but there sure seems to be a lot less fat between my skin and the muscles now.
4. This one goes along with #1: I actually enjoy exercise. Do I get up every morning and think "YES! EXERCISE!"? -Nope. Most mornings I remind myself the class will be an hour out of my life and I can do anything for an hour. Then I get to class and find out the workout is just what I needed.
5. The wall is still there and I bump into it from time to time, but I don't quit. I might back off for a bit, but then I'm back at it pushing the wall out of my way.
6. The changes I've made are for a lifetime, not for a competition. If my numbers don't make me the winner I've still won. I have a body I'm proud of for the first time ever. I'm strong and I can do more than I ever expected.
As always, thanks for reading!
On April 30 the Biggest Mooser competition will come to an end. Theresa, Andrea, Amanda and I will go to Moo92 for final measurements and the announcement of the winner. This has been a big focus of my anxiety and worry. I've been on an adventure (thanks for that word Mary, it sums the experience up perfectly) for the past 12 or more weeks and it will be ending soon. I have the tools to carry this forward I know I do, but I'm worried and anxious. I'm standing in what feels like a safe place right now and looking out at a future that isn't as clear. I'm losing some sleep over this, let's be honest.
What I keep trying to remind myself, with varying degrees of success is that the instructors will still be there when I'm not a Mooser, Bootcamp will still be there. Most importantly my friends will still be there. All the people who have supported and encouraged me to keep pushing and keep moving through the competition will still be there.
I have new goals in mind too for after the competition. Some goals I set for myself when I started this Mooser journey will likely be on the list since I may not have met them yet. I plan to try my first half-marathon ever in January 2013. When I can barely jog a quarter of a mile, 13.1 miles seems impossible, but I know I can do it. I might not be the first to finish the race, but I WILL finish it.
So, enough of my anxieties...let's focus on some positive:
1. I've discovered that when I double up on my workouts now I actually have energy to give to the second workout. I'm not saying I don't give my best effort in my first workout. I'm saying I've developed some endurance and stamina.
2. Despite some "bumps" strains, sprains and super sore muscles I haven't quit. I've overslept more times than I wanted to, but I get a workout in anyway. I've discovered if I don't exercise the only person I'm cheating is myself.
3. I have muscles! Yes, I know I had them before, but there sure seems to be a lot less fat between my skin and the muscles now.
4. This one goes along with #1: I actually enjoy exercise. Do I get up every morning and think "YES! EXERCISE!"? -Nope. Most mornings I remind myself the class will be an hour out of my life and I can do anything for an hour. Then I get to class and find out the workout is just what I needed.
5. The wall is still there and I bump into it from time to time, but I don't quit. I might back off for a bit, but then I'm back at it pushing the wall out of my way.
6. The changes I've made are for a lifetime, not for a competition. If my numbers don't make me the winner I've still won. I have a body I'm proud of for the first time ever. I'm strong and I can do more than I ever expected.
As always, thanks for reading!
Monday, April 9, 2012
Day 71
Don't worry, I know it isn't Tuesday. I have a post for you anyway. Maybe this week I won't post on Tuesday. Though considering what a creature of habit I am I'm pretty sure you'll hear from me tomorrow too.
This post is one that's been on my mind to write for about two weeks now. At first I decided I wouldn't write it, it could hurt someone or disappoint them. In short, if I wrote this post I wouldn't be the nice, kind person I would like to be. Maybe I might not be the nice person I'd like to be, but I'm not going to be a doormat either.
Looking at it, this post is an open letter to two people specifically. Don't worry, I will tell you exactly who these people are, because I'm done covering up and pretending: I'm going to be honest. I do not plan to be needlessly mean or hateful, but sometimes the truth hurts.
In a way this post is a part of my journey because though I have had these thoughts and feelings for many years, I've certainly never decided to voice them in an arena that could bring them to the attention of the people I'm writing about. That's fine with me now, I'm strong enough and tough enough to stand on my own and stand up for what I believe in. I'm strong enough to stand up for me and say when something isn't right.
So without further ado: here goes.
To my father and his wife:
Thank you so very, very much for ignoring my birthday. I am so thankful that you were able to save the money you might have spent on postage by not even acknowledging my birthday. A phone call might have been nice, but it was probably much more fiscally responsible of you to save money on that call too. So in saving yourself about fifty cents let me make it quite clear to you what you've lost.
Very simply put: you have lost me. I will never speak to either one of you or make an attempt to do anything for you again. I do not hate you, I understand you are both the products of upbringings that must have been very scary and sad. I forgive you for the callous disregard for my feelings and how it felt to know my own father didn't care enough to remember he had a child born on March 27.
Isn't it sad and funny how I have people in my life I have known less than 42 years who care so much more about me than members of my own family? Some of them I've had the good fortune to know for about ten weeks now and they've shown more compassion and feeling than either one of you. I am so thankful for the people who have been led into my life. Someone much wiser and more loving than me obviously knew I would need this group of people to help me be strong enough to come to terms with the petty cruelty of two people who should love me.
So if you think you've taught me a lesson and I will now be the good dutiful daughter please think again. I've learned who I really am and I'm not bowing down. I'm coming out roaring this time. I let it slide when you two decided my sister and I shouldn't get so much as a card for Christmas, but our stepmother's children absolutely had to have cards. My blood boiled, don't get me wrong, but I sat back and stayed quiet. So sorry, that time has passed.
My family now consists of my mother, my sister, my nephew, my soon-to-be brother-in-law and his family and the friends who have offered their unconditional love and support when I have needed it.
Don't ask for forgiveness, that's been given. Do not ask me to forget: I never will. Do not ask me to trust either of you: that's an impossibility at this point.
So sorry readers that you were a part of that. In the end though, this blog is a place for me to document my feelings and what's going on in my life. As much as I would love to make that part of my life go away it won't and I can't change what I refuse to acknowledge. I also know I can't change other people, but I can and will change myself. I will not allow myself to feel cheated or sad about my father deciding my birthday didn't deserve his acknowledgment for one more second.
In other news I got in 10 workouts last week. 5 bootcamp classes, semi-private training, ABS classes, and 3 cardio sessions. I want to make the most of my remaining time as a Mooser and beyond that, so I'm starting by pushing myself.
I finished Warp Speed yesterday. It was an interesting 28 days. Not sure how many pounds I lost, but clothes are looser than before and for the most part I have more energy. Now I'm back to normal eating and striving for at least 90% compliance with my nutrition this week. Looking forward to a cheat meal sometime, but I'm saving it since I'm not sure exactly what I want my cheat meal to be.
Thanks for reading!
This post is one that's been on my mind to write for about two weeks now. At first I decided I wouldn't write it, it could hurt someone or disappoint them. In short, if I wrote this post I wouldn't be the nice, kind person I would like to be. Maybe I might not be the nice person I'd like to be, but I'm not going to be a doormat either.
Looking at it, this post is an open letter to two people specifically. Don't worry, I will tell you exactly who these people are, because I'm done covering up and pretending: I'm going to be honest. I do not plan to be needlessly mean or hateful, but sometimes the truth hurts.
In a way this post is a part of my journey because though I have had these thoughts and feelings for many years, I've certainly never decided to voice them in an arena that could bring them to the attention of the people I'm writing about. That's fine with me now, I'm strong enough and tough enough to stand on my own and stand up for what I believe in. I'm strong enough to stand up for me and say when something isn't right.
So without further ado: here goes.
To my father and his wife:
Thank you so very, very much for ignoring my birthday. I am so thankful that you were able to save the money you might have spent on postage by not even acknowledging my birthday. A phone call might have been nice, but it was probably much more fiscally responsible of you to save money on that call too. So in saving yourself about fifty cents let me make it quite clear to you what you've lost.
Very simply put: you have lost me. I will never speak to either one of you or make an attempt to do anything for you again. I do not hate you, I understand you are both the products of upbringings that must have been very scary and sad. I forgive you for the callous disregard for my feelings and how it felt to know my own father didn't care enough to remember he had a child born on March 27.
Isn't it sad and funny how I have people in my life I have known less than 42 years who care so much more about me than members of my own family? Some of them I've had the good fortune to know for about ten weeks now and they've shown more compassion and feeling than either one of you. I am so thankful for the people who have been led into my life. Someone much wiser and more loving than me obviously knew I would need this group of people to help me be strong enough to come to terms with the petty cruelty of two people who should love me.
So if you think you've taught me a lesson and I will now be the good dutiful daughter please think again. I've learned who I really am and I'm not bowing down. I'm coming out roaring this time. I let it slide when you two decided my sister and I shouldn't get so much as a card for Christmas, but our stepmother's children absolutely had to have cards. My blood boiled, don't get me wrong, but I sat back and stayed quiet. So sorry, that time has passed.
My family now consists of my mother, my sister, my nephew, my soon-to-be brother-in-law and his family and the friends who have offered their unconditional love and support when I have needed it.
Don't ask for forgiveness, that's been given. Do not ask me to forget: I never will. Do not ask me to trust either of you: that's an impossibility at this point.
So sorry readers that you were a part of that. In the end though, this blog is a place for me to document my feelings and what's going on in my life. As much as I would love to make that part of my life go away it won't and I can't change what I refuse to acknowledge. I also know I can't change other people, but I can and will change myself. I will not allow myself to feel cheated or sad about my father deciding my birthday didn't deserve his acknowledgment for one more second.
In other news I got in 10 workouts last week. 5 bootcamp classes, semi-private training, ABS classes, and 3 cardio sessions. I want to make the most of my remaining time as a Mooser and beyond that, so I'm starting by pushing myself.
I finished Warp Speed yesterday. It was an interesting 28 days. Not sure how many pounds I lost, but clothes are looser than before and for the most part I have more energy. Now I'm back to normal eating and striving for at least 90% compliance with my nutrition this week. Looking forward to a cheat meal sometime, but I'm saving it since I'm not sure exactly what I want my cheat meal to be.
Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Day 65
I'm not sure where to begin my post this week. I've had a million thoughts running through my head. Every year on my birthday I tend to take stock of where I am and where I want to go in the next year. This year I added a little twist and thought about where I imagined I'd be when I was 42.
As a younger woman I thought my highest goal was to be a wife and mother. I still think those are wonderful things, but they don't seem to be for me. I'm a darn good aunt and my friends' children seem to like me, plus I get to interact with children as a teacher. As for relationships, been there, done that. Supposedly there is someone out there for everyone and that might be true, but I'm not ready yet. I've got more goals to accomplish and more I want to do and see. I'm content with my life as it is at the moment. I don't feel cheated or as if I am somehow lacking.
Week 9 of the Biggest MOOser competition is underway and I've decided to be fair to myself I need to step it up and push myself. I gave it my all Monday morning in class and today I decided to double up. I did bootcamp from 4:15 to 5 and then from 5 to 6 I had semi-private training. Engine 8 in bootcamp. Then semi-private training and the dreaded Rope Climbs. Tonight's hardest part was the plate pushes. My ankle is better, but still not 100% and I knew it when I was pushing that plate. I wanted to keep fighting and pushing but it hurt. I'm thinking about putting wax on the plate next time, that should make it slide better. Thanks Theresa for the tip about the lifting gloves: those made all the difference! When the ankle is healed I might actually be able to push that plate without stopping.
I let you know how I was doing with my measurements last week, but I didn't mention my other goals. Probably time to update you on those goals as well, don't you think?
Exercise Goals:
1. Do 10 push-ups on my toes without stopping. Right now I can do 7 push ups on my toes!
2. Perform 15 Burpees in one minute. I am able to do 12 burpees in 1 minute.
3. Do 12 rows in 50 seconds. On Monday I did 15 rows in 50 seconds: GOAL MET!
4. 50 seconds of val slider crawls without dropping to my knees. I made it 30 seconds the last time we did Val Slider army crawls, I'm getting there.
5. 1 unassisted pull-up. Still working on this one!
6. Hold a plan for 3 minutes. I can hold a plank for 2 minutes 12 seconds.
So again, thank you to everyone who took the time to vote for me and give me this opportunity to transform my body and my life. I hope you don't feel your vote was wasted.
Thanks for reading!
As a younger woman I thought my highest goal was to be a wife and mother. I still think those are wonderful things, but they don't seem to be for me. I'm a darn good aunt and my friends' children seem to like me, plus I get to interact with children as a teacher. As for relationships, been there, done that. Supposedly there is someone out there for everyone and that might be true, but I'm not ready yet. I've got more goals to accomplish and more I want to do and see. I'm content with my life as it is at the moment. I don't feel cheated or as if I am somehow lacking.
Week 9 of the Biggest MOOser competition is underway and I've decided to be fair to myself I need to step it up and push myself. I gave it my all Monday morning in class and today I decided to double up. I did bootcamp from 4:15 to 5 and then from 5 to 6 I had semi-private training. Engine 8 in bootcamp. Then semi-private training and the dreaded Rope Climbs. Tonight's hardest part was the plate pushes. My ankle is better, but still not 100% and I knew it when I was pushing that plate. I wanted to keep fighting and pushing but it hurt. I'm thinking about putting wax on the plate next time, that should make it slide better. Thanks Theresa for the tip about the lifting gloves: those made all the difference! When the ankle is healed I might actually be able to push that plate without stopping.
I let you know how I was doing with my measurements last week, but I didn't mention my other goals. Probably time to update you on those goals as well, don't you think?
My goal is to be wearing jeans in a size 16 by the end of the competition. Right now I am wearing size 20, but they are getting loose. I think I will be buying some size 18 clothing soon. Last weekend I bought myself new leggings to exercise in. I used to by size 3X...this time I checked out the size charts and I needed a size 1X. I don't think I'll be shopping in the plus size section much longer. Next on my list is to get some t-shirts that aren't so baggy I look ridiculous.
Exercise Goals:
1. Do 10 push-ups on my toes without stopping. Right now I can do 7 push ups on my toes!
2. Perform 15 Burpees in one minute. I am able to do 12 burpees in 1 minute.
3. Do 12 rows in 50 seconds. On Monday I did 15 rows in 50 seconds: GOAL MET!
4. 50 seconds of val slider crawls without dropping to my knees. I made it 30 seconds the last time we did Val Slider army crawls, I'm getting there.
5. 1 unassisted pull-up. Still working on this one!
6. Hold a plan for 3 minutes. I can hold a plank for 2 minutes 12 seconds.
So again, thank you to everyone who took the time to vote for me and give me this opportunity to transform my body and my life. I hope you don't feel your vote was wasted.
Thanks for reading!
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