New me?

Me again! Are you surprised? Trust me I am too. Normally I lose interest in blogs and diaries after the first few weeks. Apparently I've hit on something important to me and I have something to say.

If you are one of those people who like to read the end of a book before you start you may have noticed some pictures at the end of this post. I'll get to those. Be patient.

Lots of things running through my head at the moment.

1. Packing for my vacation from June 26 to July 10, though that won't exactly be hard with 2 pairs of jeans, 3 pairs of capris, 2 pairs of shorts and about 5 t-shirts that I think are okay to wear in public. I have more clothing to wear to exercise than I do to wear at other times. Trust me, I am not complaining at all. I'm enjoying this a lot. Putting together an outfit is so easy with the limited choices.

2. What will this summer's VMI classes be like? I am pretty sure Statistics 3 won't be too bad. Calculus 1, well let's say I try hard not to think about that at all because it gives me heart palpitations. I've heard from others who have been through VMI that I need to prepare myself for Calculus 1 to be difficult and to just hang on through the week.

3. Were bathing suits designed as torture devices??? UGH! I have 3 bathing suits. 1 a size 22 I wore last summer, very nice, but it kind of hangs on me now. The other 2 very nice, cute Land's End suits in a size 18 that do fit me. The problem is I feel AWFUL in them.

4. When my free boot camp is over how many days per week should I go and will I be able to maintain this weight loss without showing up at every boot camp class I can make it to? This last question really does occupy most of the thoughts. I'm in completely new and uncharted territory and it's exciting and more than a little scary. Ben has told me before 3 days of boot camp classes and then some other form of exercise another 3 days. He's the professional he knows what he's talking about, I should trust him right? Right! Do I? Ummm....

Let me say right now that I DO trust Ben. I let him spot me and get in my personal space and when he tells me to correct my form I do my best to do exactly as he says. The hard part for me with trusting him on what my workout schedule should be is that I know myself and I know left to my own devices I used to like sitting a lot more than being active. I do think that has changed now I find myself sitting for a little bit and getting restless, I want to be up moving. I can run, I have cardio days on Thursday mornings. I can take ABS class and I can sign up for Warrior class. Now, thanks to my school district I can also take Wellness Center classes for free. I've got this right?? So why does it feel like it will all fall apart if I take away the structure of boot camp?

Now, you've been patient so on to the pictures. The one on the left was taken at the conclusion of the Mooser competition. The one on the right was taken on Tuesday, June 19 (yes I need to reset the date on my digital camera. Love the camera, but the date function just doesn't work right. I set it, it resets itself.)  I love that I am wearing size 16 jeans and a tank top in size 14/16. The tank top isn't skin tight either. I notice a little more definition in my arms too. Actually I notice a lot of muscles that I didn't know about before. Who knew I had muscles in the backs of my legs?? I do have hip bones and I can feel them now, they don't stick out, but there isn't as much fat covering them. It's amazing.

Thanks for reading...now back to your day and I'm going to go on with mine.

Too Honest?

I wonder sometimes right before I click the publish button and send my words out into cyberspace to be read by others if I am being too honest. Is there really any such thing and should I really be concerned about it? The people who read this know that they don't have to read every word I write, they can skim or skip a post if it doesn't interest them. These are the things I think about though when I can't sleep.

There are things that I haven't shared on this blog and very likely won't share, very few things I'll admit. I love to write and maybe somehow by putting my thoughts and feelings down I can help someone else. Maybe not, but I prefer to think when I'm inspired to write and post there is a reason and a purpose for it and all I need to do is write. Yes, I do believe in God, I am not going to beat anyone over the head with that or preach, that's not me. If you ask me I'll talk to you about it, but I am not going to force my beliefs and ideas on anyone.

So what brought all these thoughts about honesty? I'll be happy to tell you, but first a question:

Was I invisible before I lost 36 pounds?

Seriously, at my heaviest I was 309 pounds at the start of the Biggest Mooser competition I was 293 pounds so I somehow doubt I was invisible, even if I wanted to be.

I'll be the first to admit I wanted to be invisible. I didn't like myself at all. I was unhappy and I stayed under the radar as much as possible. Now I don't seem to be invisible and I'm curious about that.

Is it that I don't sit back silently as often now? That is a change. Where I might have been content to be in the background before now I want people to know I do have thoughts and opinions. Not all the time, much of the time I still sit back and observe what goes on around me, but rest assured if I need to speak up, I will.

A major pet peeve that has never been an issue before is people asking me if I want a boyfriend or a husband. 36 pounds ago that question never came up, or it came up so rarely I don't remember it coming up. I can just give you my quick, sarcastic answer: NOPE, NEVER! The truth is I might want that someday, but first I need to like myself. No way can I give to someone else when I'm not always willing to give to myself. Sometimes you do need to take care of #1 first. I'm not saying I only think of myself and what I want, but I do sometimes remember that I'm important and I need to take care of myself.

I have wonderful friends and family who will and do take care of me, but mostly that is my job. I have to know when I've reached my limit or when I need time to myself. I have to know when someone is asking me to meet their needs and I just can't do it. As a perfectionist and a people pleaser nothing makes me feel worse than having to say no. It might cause more stress to say yes, but I like making people happy.

Hi, I'm Kim a perfectionist, people pleaser. Where's my support group? That question I can answer.

Ben's Boot Camp is my support group. I am learning to listen to my body and slowly figuring out just how far I can push without causing injury. For example as much as I want to do kneel-to-stands my knees won't allow it. I might kneel, but it's going to take a lot of effort and time to get back to the stand part. So as much as I hate modifying and as weak as it makes me feel I do modify. I do squats instead and I put all my effort into them. Someday I will be able to do the kneel-to-stands. When I started boot camp I did all my push ups on my knees. I worked hard on my form and made them the best push ups I could do. Low and behold after 6 months of push ups I can do more on the toes. That's an amazing feeling.

I know boot camp is not my only support. I have amazing friends and family who have always been there for me and I've made new friends who help me push myself and remind me to look at what I can do, not what I still struggle with.

If I am completely honest I have no idea what my ultimate goals for myself are. I know I want to compete in Tough Mudder next year, but I know that isn't the end. As for what clothing size I want to be: I have no idea. I will be in uncharted territory as soon as I reach a size 14. I've never been there before and I know I said I want to be in a size 12 by the end of 2012, but beyond that I'm not sure. Any advice or ideas feel free to let me know. I'm definitely not too proud to admit when I need help...and I need help!

Thanks for reading my ramblings on a beautiful, warm Vermont day. I hope it's just as nice wherever you are.

Work In Progress

I posted 2 days ago, so what could I possibly have to say today? Quite a lot as it turns out.

Hi! I'm Kim and I'm a perfectionist. Actually one of the founding members and the Vice President of a group a friend and I have decided to start: Perfectionists Anonymous.

Not that my perfectionist bent is news to me, but I've never had the lesson brought home in such a powerful way as today. Don't worry...you'll get all the details. This is my diary after all and you get me: the good, the bad and the ugly.

Monday is a 5:30 am bootcamp day. Normally that is wonderful and I look forward to it. Last night I could not shut off my mind long enough to get much sleep so I was cranky when I got up. Even the dog looked at me this morning and decided he had urgent business in a different part of the house. As much as I love Seb it's possible he is not the smartest dog in the world so for him to notice I was not in a good mood was significant.

I arrived at bootcamp almost late (a theme for the day...<SIGH>) and started warming up. No problems yet, though holding the bird dog planks still eludes me. Then the workout: Ladders. Lots of exercises I'm not so good at, or have never done before and some kettle bell and dumb bell moves I don't mind at all.

Side Star Planks were not something I had ever tried before today. Side planks sure, those aren't my favorite, but I can do them. Got my arm up and my legs felt like they were glued together. The instructor reminded us we were supposed to have 1 leg up and I snapped right back "YES WE PROBABLY SHOULD!" Instant shame...Ugh...what did I say that for? I NEVER speak to instructors that way...ever. I just don't do it.

Most of the day I thought about that comment and my rotten attitude after that. Did I celebrate doing my first ever roadkill plank?? Nope- I was way too busy pouting about those side star planks and feeling bad that I was so rude.

I know what to do when I mess up and I apologized to the instructor for what I said. She was gracious and accepted the apology so I feel better about that, except it's a reminder that I'm not perfect, I will never be perfect and I am constantly and forever a work in progress.

Other than bootcamp my day was good. I finished the drafts of reports I needed to before my meetings tomorrow. I am ready to move into my new room with my new roommate and I got to share my accomplishment in the 5K this weekend with colleagues who have been supporting and encouraging me all along.  Yes I still need to finalize a few files and make sure papers and reports are put away properly, but it's doable and will take maybe 30 minutes when I start.

I need to remember what I couldn't do not so long ago and focus on the successes and victories each day brings. I'm not proud that I snapped at an instructor this morning, but I am proud that I owned that and apologized. I'm proud that I did my first roadkill plank. I'm proud that even though Ladders frustrated and challenged me I finished the workout.

I'm learning and growing and changing every day. Even days like today when I'm impatient and I want a fast forward button to get me where I want to be NOW I should sit back and count my blessings.

Thanks for reading...back to your regularly scheduled evening now.

What a Great Saturday!

It's been awhile since I've written anything. Mostly I chalk that up to being busy. The school year ended (2 more teacher days, but the student days are over), I went on an amazing trip to Boston with the fifth graders (I'd forgotten how much I enjoy Boston) & I squeezed in a weekend trip to New York City to spend time with a dear friend and her 4 kiddos. Great times, lots of laughs and amazing memories.

I have managed to keep up with exercising too. This week I did 3 bootcamp classes and ABS (Abs, Butt and Shoulders) class. Plus on Tuesday morning Lisa and I went running again. The week before I went to 1 bootcamp class and participated in a Derby Elementary tradition: The Cornfield Mile Run. My time for the cornfield mile (actually 1.2 miles) was 18 minutes, 17 seconds, not bad at all.

I'm still working on figuring out which days I will want to work out when bootcamp is no longer free for me. I love the 5:30 am workouts since by the time I am truly awake and alert the workout is over. Nothing like working out half-asleep. I also love the Tuesday, Thursday 4:15 classes. Hmmm....Maybe I just keep saving money and commit to 5 days a week of bootcamp. We'll see. I know I can run and join Lisa and Hailey for cardio days, so maybe I should only think about 3 days per week and work on getting my own routines in place on the off days.

Today was a PERFECT Saturday, blue sky, sunshine, warm temperature with a nice breeze and a 5K race. My very first race ever. Very exciting and a great feeling to get to the end.

Let's be clear about this: I NEVER expected in a million years to ever run anything. Even if I was being chased by a wild animal intent on making me a meal I didn't think I'd ever run. Running isn't easy, my left ankle is wrapped and it looks like I need to wrap my right one too at least for a little while. My knees are holding up well. The thing I have the most trouble with is my breathing, but even that is coming along and getting easier as I continue practicing. I need to learn patience.

I had some great friends to join me on the run this morning. Lisa, Jule, Angie, Dawn, Lisa and Hailey were amazing support. Hailey, Angie & Dawn actually were headed back to the Frontier Animal Shelter and crossed back over to stay with Lisa, Lisa, Jule and me. How wonderful is that?? Then Hailey and Lisa kept pace with me and encouraged me to run and not get discouraged by what I couldn't do, but to focus on what I could do. Hailey reminded me that 18 weeks ago I completely changed my life and it takes time for it to all come together and I have to focus on the success, not the things that are still hard.

So in the interest of focusing on the success I am THRILLED to report that we finished the 5K in 35 minutes. My goal was to finish in less than an hour, so I'd say I met that goal.

I'll be on the lookout for my next 5K...and the next one my goal is to run more of it. Not sure how far I ran today, but I know I ran more than I've run before. I'm not where I want to be yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday.

Thanks for reading and here's a quote I found recently that I really like:

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." ~Thoreau