Tomorrow is Friday and my first four days of teaching in the 2012-2013 school year will be in the books. Tomorrow is also the end of a 3-week session at Ben's Bootcamp. Inferno month has been intense, but I made it. Well, let me amend that: tomorrow morning when I get in my car to drive home after my 5:30 am class I will have made it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be okay though. I might be bruised and sore, but I'll heal. I'll take a few minor inconveniences for this stronger, more fit body.
Why am I doing this? This question has been running through my mind a lot this week. I could just give some glib, easy answer, but really I'm curious. I'm uncomfortable with the attention I get, I don't have any desire or intention to "catch a man" and there are mornings I am so stiff/sore I can barely walk when I get up.
So am I just a masochist or is there a deeper reason I workout at least 3 days per week (sometimes 2 workouts in one day)? I'd like to think there's a deeper reason, if you'll indulge me I'll try to elaborate.
I used to be a person who gave up when the going got tough. If something was hard I was much more likely to walk out the door than I was to work through it. I'm not sure when that mindset changed for good, but I know it's a recent change.
Have I mentioned that I overreact? Frequently and for no good reason. "What if they don't like me?" "What if I'm not good enough?" All I can say is it must be annoying to be my friend at times because I know I get annoyed with myself.
People seem to like me, I'm an intelligent woman. It's time to stop doubting and start trusting.
Ah trust. I don't like that word. If you trust you open yourself up for hurt and I really have tried to avoid hurt and pain at all costs. That hasn't worked in case you wondered. If it had worked I probably wouldn't have used extra weight as a shield.
In the last 8 months I have learned I am stronger than I thought. I've learned that if you hang in there through the discomfort you will make progress. I've learned that making a commitment to yourself is never a wasted effort.
It's not easy, there are still mornings I look at the clock and think how much I don't want to get up, get in the car and go anywhere. Most mornings I get up and do it anyway. Not every morning I'm not perfect, but most mornings I get up and do what I need to do. I always feel better after.
I have strength I didn't realize I had inside. When I think I can't do one more rep I pause, take a deep breath and do it anyway. I owe it to the girl who thought she was worthless. She wasn't and she's coming out of her shell. Be ready world...
I'd like to leave you with a quote I really like.
"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I will try again tomorrow." ~Mary Anne Radmacher
Thanks for reading.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Welcome Back?
The 2012-2013 school year is officially underway for teachers. Our first day of inservice was Wednesday. I began my morning at 5:30 am with a bootcamp class. The workout was Betty Lou (formerly 2 for 20). You have 2 minutes to get through a list of 5 exercises and if you finish early you can rest until the next 2 minute interval starts. Would you care to hazard a guess about how many times in 10 rounds I finished and had time to rest. Exactly 2 times. The first time I got 5 seconds, the second about 3 seconds.
I am NOT complaining in case you wondered. If I had tried that workout 8 months ago I wouldn't have made it and no way would I have been doing squat presses or renegade rows with 25 pound weights. It's probably time to move up to 30 pounds, but I tend to hang on to the weight I've been using until an instructor tells me to up it. I can and do push myself more often, but there's still that fear in the back of my mind that I won't be able to do it.
Then it was rush home shower and dress for inservice. Choosing clothes is so easy with about 5 wardrobe choices. Don't worry, I do have plans to add to my wardrobe, but it will be slow. I'm not going to go spend a lot of money on clothes that I don't plan to wear for long. I don't always know how to dress this new body and as often happens when I'm unsure I hesitate or do nothing.
I did manage to get dressed and I was only a couple of minutes late for the 7:30 am start time. I could have been on time or a little early, but I procrastinate and don't prep my lunch ahead of time. I'll learn...someday I will learn.
It was a little uncomfortable for someone who used to fly under the radar. I got so many compliments about how wonderful I am looking. I am pretty sure I said thank you to every person who complimented me, but if you are reading this and I didn't thank you: I apologize! I appreciate everyone who takes the time to tell me I am looking good. I feel so much better, it's amazing.
I did get one "compliment" that sort of threw me. Actually it wasn't given directly to me. It was given to a friend and she told me about it. Someone asked if I had Lap-Band surgery over the summer.
I want to start off by making it clear that I have NOTHING against surgery. Nothing at all. I know people who have had Lap-Band surgery as well as others who have had gastric bypass surgery. I think the decision to have surgery or not is personal and everyone needs to decide what is right for them. I chose to really commit myself to eating correctly (most of the time) and exercising as much as I can. I am not saying my way is the best and only way: I'm saying it's working for me and I couldn't be happier. I'm not getting up on a soapbox and preaching my way over any other way. I'm indulging my lifelong desire to be a writer and maybe (hopefully) letting other people know it is possible to transform your life.
Yes, when I first heard about that question I was hurt. Really hurt in fact. I'm not hurt anymore. I am flattered that someone thought I looked that good.
I also had Warrior Class last night. I love that class. I get to lift and move and push myself beyond what I think I can do. I did double kettlebell squats with the red kettlebells. Yes, Tyler had to help me lift them, but I did the squats. Then we did Sumo deadlifts and sled pulls. By the time class ended I was finished, but it felt good.
I noticed again that things that used to be really hard (sometimes they felt impossible) like Bear Crawls, Plate Pushes and Sled Pulls aren't as difficult. They're not easy, but I can do it. When I dig deep now there is strength to pull out. Not always very much strength, but something to pull out.
I almost hit the wall tonight with Pile On. It was a tough workout and I went in sore from yesterday. Then I compounded the problem by bear crawling right into a 25 pound dumbbell. It hurt at the time and I've broken my toes enough to know how it feels, but I am above all stubborn. It wasn't intense pain and I wanted the workout. My left knee was achy too, probably from so much sitting today so I had to make some modifications to baby it a little, but I was not stopping.
By the end of the workout I had my nose pressed against the wall and the tears were threatening to spill over. I was worn out and sore, but I held it together. I was proud for finishing and then I got top performer. I did not expect that at all. I never expect it, I don't really see my performance as standing out. I focus inward and try to keep the nagging, doubting voice at bay. That, I am happy to report, is getting easier. I can silence that nasty little voice now. Not always, but more often than not.
So what did I learn from my past 2 days?
1. Make sure the weights are out of the way!
2. A compliment is a compliment, even if it doesn't sound like it at first.
3. I have been working in the same school for 3 years now and I STILL get nervous before the first day.
4. This isn't the life I planned, but it is an amazing gift I won't squander.
Thanks for reading...I appreciate it.
I am NOT complaining in case you wondered. If I had tried that workout 8 months ago I wouldn't have made it and no way would I have been doing squat presses or renegade rows with 25 pound weights. It's probably time to move up to 30 pounds, but I tend to hang on to the weight I've been using until an instructor tells me to up it. I can and do push myself more often, but there's still that fear in the back of my mind that I won't be able to do it.
Then it was rush home shower and dress for inservice. Choosing clothes is so easy with about 5 wardrobe choices. Don't worry, I do have plans to add to my wardrobe, but it will be slow. I'm not going to go spend a lot of money on clothes that I don't plan to wear for long. I don't always know how to dress this new body and as often happens when I'm unsure I hesitate or do nothing.
I did manage to get dressed and I was only a couple of minutes late for the 7:30 am start time. I could have been on time or a little early, but I procrastinate and don't prep my lunch ahead of time. I'll learn...someday I will learn.
It was a little uncomfortable for someone who used to fly under the radar. I got so many compliments about how wonderful I am looking. I am pretty sure I said thank you to every person who complimented me, but if you are reading this and I didn't thank you: I apologize! I appreciate everyone who takes the time to tell me I am looking good. I feel so much better, it's amazing.
I did get one "compliment" that sort of threw me. Actually it wasn't given directly to me. It was given to a friend and she told me about it. Someone asked if I had Lap-Band surgery over the summer.
I want to start off by making it clear that I have NOTHING against surgery. Nothing at all. I know people who have had Lap-Band surgery as well as others who have had gastric bypass surgery. I think the decision to have surgery or not is personal and everyone needs to decide what is right for them. I chose to really commit myself to eating correctly (most of the time) and exercising as much as I can. I am not saying my way is the best and only way: I'm saying it's working for me and I couldn't be happier. I'm not getting up on a soapbox and preaching my way over any other way. I'm indulging my lifelong desire to be a writer and maybe (hopefully) letting other people know it is possible to transform your life.
Yes, when I first heard about that question I was hurt. Really hurt in fact. I'm not hurt anymore. I am flattered that someone thought I looked that good.
I also had Warrior Class last night. I love that class. I get to lift and move and push myself beyond what I think I can do. I did double kettlebell squats with the red kettlebells. Yes, Tyler had to help me lift them, but I did the squats. Then we did Sumo deadlifts and sled pulls. By the time class ended I was finished, but it felt good.
I noticed again that things that used to be really hard (sometimes they felt impossible) like Bear Crawls, Plate Pushes and Sled Pulls aren't as difficult. They're not easy, but I can do it. When I dig deep now there is strength to pull out. Not always very much strength, but something to pull out.
I almost hit the wall tonight with Pile On. It was a tough workout and I went in sore from yesterday. Then I compounded the problem by bear crawling right into a 25 pound dumbbell. It hurt at the time and I've broken my toes enough to know how it feels, but I am above all stubborn. It wasn't intense pain and I wanted the workout. My left knee was achy too, probably from so much sitting today so I had to make some modifications to baby it a little, but I was not stopping.
By the end of the workout I had my nose pressed against the wall and the tears were threatening to spill over. I was worn out and sore, but I held it together. I was proud for finishing and then I got top performer. I did not expect that at all. I never expect it, I don't really see my performance as standing out. I focus inward and try to keep the nagging, doubting voice at bay. That, I am happy to report, is getting easier. I can silence that nasty little voice now. Not always, but more often than not.
So what did I learn from my past 2 days?
1. Make sure the weights are out of the way!
2. A compliment is a compliment, even if it doesn't sound like it at first.
3. I have been working in the same school for 3 years now and I STILL get nervous before the first day.
4. This isn't the life I planned, but it is an amazing gift I won't squander.
Thanks for reading...I appreciate it.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Lessons
I've been uncharacteristically silent for awhile now haven't I? Well, it is summer and I'm sure many of you who faithfully read whatever I post are probably busy doing other things enjoying these warm sunny days. I'm busy too. I don't seem to sit still for long before I'm up and running to the next thing.
I am having a wonderful time. I adore all my friends and I have had so much fun. I would not trade one minute of the summer for anything. School will be starting soon (August 22 for inservice, then the first student day on August 28) I'm also coming closer to the end of my 6 free months of bootcamp. I even have a plan for how to continue when I begin to pay for bootcamp which was a weight off my shoulders and a load off my mind. The progress might not always be as quick as I want it to be, but this is my lifestyle now and I have time to get to where I am meant to be. Not a clue where that might be, I have some ideas, but I'm content at this point to sit back for a little bit and let things unfold. I will continue to work out and eat supportively, but I might not be posting any new goals for awhile. Mostly because I am still working on the goals I set after the Mooser competition was over.
About two weeks ago I attended my first nutritional accountability meeting with Ben. Tyler, Jule and I were the only people able to attend that night, but I still didn't want to speak up. Especially not when Ben asked if there was anything we were struggling with. Who wants to look like they aren't perfect in front of the instructor? I don't think Ben for one second believes I'm perfect, nor do I think he expects me to be. I expect me to be perfect though. Yes, I am my own toughest critic...I'm working on that. Give me another 40 years I should have it figured out.
Finally I voiced my struggle: cheat meals. I don't want to eat them because what if I lose control and can't get back to eating supportively. No one laughed at me, there was no eye rolling, the problem was carefully and seriously considered and discussed. Now I have a new flavor of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream to try: Oatmeal Cookie Chunk. Don't worry Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough: you will still be my favorite, but sometimes we must branch out for the sake of variety.
I learned cheat meals are necessary and they are OKAY. Ben suggested I have a cheat meal on a day I've worked out, to make it seem less scary. More baby steps on the way to my goal.
Baby steps are hard when you're impatient to get to the end, but I'm finding more and more that baby steps are my best course of action in most areas of my life. It's better and easier to admit from the start that I just don't know something or I don't understand it than to nod, smile and be clueless.
Let's see what other lessons I've learned thus far in my journey:
*There was a reason for the extra weight I carried around. I've addressed that in another blog post, so I won't go into it again in detail here. That extra weight provided some measure of comfort and "safety". Now a lot of it is gone and while I don't ever want to go back to where I started where I am now isn't always comfortable.
*I've learned to accept compliments politely and I'll tell you my most recent measurements, but I'm still learning to be comfortable in this new ever-changing body.
*I'm learning to let go of clothes I loved, because they don't fit me any longer.
*I'm learning that I'm not being an egomaniac if someone asks me what I've done to lose weight and shape up and I tell them.
*I've learned it's okay to tell people I've worked HARD to get where I am and that I don't have any special skills or talents that have let me get where I am. I am talented and special, but that didn't get me to the 300 club on the deadlift board: hard work did.
*I think I'll be learning forever that I can only do what I can do on any given day. Case in point, the Kingdom Run on 8/12/12 in Irasburg, VT. I entered the 5k with visions of running the whole thing. Did I look at the course first to see what it looked like? Nope. I should have. Running hills is my new challenge. I am proud of my time (5K in 57 minutes) and next year I will do better.
*I'm learning and starting to understand that my friends are my friends because of WHO I AM, not WHAT I LOOK LIKE. I don't have to be perfect or beautiful. I only have to be me.
Now that I've given you that to ponder I need to go find my ice bags and more water so I can be ready for tomorrow morning.
Thanks for reading.
I am having a wonderful time. I adore all my friends and I have had so much fun. I would not trade one minute of the summer for anything. School will be starting soon (August 22 for inservice, then the first student day on August 28) I'm also coming closer to the end of my 6 free months of bootcamp. I even have a plan for how to continue when I begin to pay for bootcamp which was a weight off my shoulders and a load off my mind. The progress might not always be as quick as I want it to be, but this is my lifestyle now and I have time to get to where I am meant to be. Not a clue where that might be, I have some ideas, but I'm content at this point to sit back for a little bit and let things unfold. I will continue to work out and eat supportively, but I might not be posting any new goals for awhile. Mostly because I am still working on the goals I set after the Mooser competition was over.
About two weeks ago I attended my first nutritional accountability meeting with Ben. Tyler, Jule and I were the only people able to attend that night, but I still didn't want to speak up. Especially not when Ben asked if there was anything we were struggling with. Who wants to look like they aren't perfect in front of the instructor? I don't think Ben for one second believes I'm perfect, nor do I think he expects me to be. I expect me to be perfect though. Yes, I am my own toughest critic...I'm working on that. Give me another 40 years I should have it figured out.
Finally I voiced my struggle: cheat meals. I don't want to eat them because what if I lose control and can't get back to eating supportively. No one laughed at me, there was no eye rolling, the problem was carefully and seriously considered and discussed. Now I have a new flavor of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream to try: Oatmeal Cookie Chunk. Don't worry Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough: you will still be my favorite, but sometimes we must branch out for the sake of variety.
I learned cheat meals are necessary and they are OKAY. Ben suggested I have a cheat meal on a day I've worked out, to make it seem less scary. More baby steps on the way to my goal.
Baby steps are hard when you're impatient to get to the end, but I'm finding more and more that baby steps are my best course of action in most areas of my life. It's better and easier to admit from the start that I just don't know something or I don't understand it than to nod, smile and be clueless.
Let's see what other lessons I've learned thus far in my journey:
*There was a reason for the extra weight I carried around. I've addressed that in another blog post, so I won't go into it again in detail here. That extra weight provided some measure of comfort and "safety". Now a lot of it is gone and while I don't ever want to go back to where I started where I am now isn't always comfortable.
*I've learned to accept compliments politely and I'll tell you my most recent measurements, but I'm still learning to be comfortable in this new ever-changing body.
*I'm learning to let go of clothes I loved, because they don't fit me any longer.
*I'm learning that I'm not being an egomaniac if someone asks me what I've done to lose weight and shape up and I tell them.
*I've learned it's okay to tell people I've worked HARD to get where I am and that I don't have any special skills or talents that have let me get where I am. I am talented and special, but that didn't get me to the 300 club on the deadlift board: hard work did.
*I think I'll be learning forever that I can only do what I can do on any given day. Case in point, the Kingdom Run on 8/12/12 in Irasburg, VT. I entered the 5k with visions of running the whole thing. Did I look at the course first to see what it looked like? Nope. I should have. Running hills is my new challenge. I am proud of my time (5K in 57 minutes) and next year I will do better.
*I'm learning and starting to understand that my friends are my friends because of WHO I AM, not WHAT I LOOK LIKE. I don't have to be perfect or beautiful. I only have to be me.
Now that I've given you that to ponder I need to go find my ice bags and more water so I can be ready for tomorrow morning.
Thanks for reading.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Ah, measurements...
Today was the day. The one I've been semi-dreading, sort of looking forward to for awhile now. I haven't had my measurements taken since the end of the session in May. Don't worry, I've shared measurements with you every time so I will share them this time. I'd like to ramble for a bit first, if you'll indulge me. If you just want to get to the numbers skip to the end, scroll up a bit and you'll find them. Don't worry, I'll never know and I won't be offended.
The numbers are important to me, they are definitely one way to let me know how I'm doing. I have found other ways to measure progress as well. I can see progress in how my clothes fit, how much energy I have and in the past week I've seen progress because it hasn't taken me as long to bounce back to almost my former pace and weights after a wonderful, crazy and busy July. I also notice exercises like Valslide Army Crawls, Bear Crawls and Plate Pushes that used to frustrate me because I just could not do them are getting just the tiniest bit easier.
For you faithful readers, you know I set some goals for myself for the end of July. It's time to check in on them and see how I've done. Yes, measurements are coming, I promise they are, I'm just dragging out the suspense.
Clothing:
End of July 2012: Size 14 jeans & being able to wear my black t-shirt (I can wear the t-shirt. The size 14 jeans go on, but don't button and zip yet. Close though!)
Measurements: August 6, 2012
Waist: Lost 4.5 inches
Thighs: Lost 1.75 inch
Arms: Lost 0 inches
The numbers are important to me, they are definitely one way to let me know how I'm doing. I have found other ways to measure progress as well. I can see progress in how my clothes fit, how much energy I have and in the past week I've seen progress because it hasn't taken me as long to bounce back to almost my former pace and weights after a wonderful, crazy and busy July. I also notice exercises like Valslide Army Crawls, Bear Crawls and Plate Pushes that used to frustrate me because I just could not do them are getting just the tiniest bit easier.
For you faithful readers, you know I set some goals for myself for the end of July. It's time to check in on them and see how I've done. Yes, measurements are coming, I promise they are, I'm just dragging out the suspense.
Clothing:
End of July 2012: Size 14 jeans & being able to wear my black t-shirt (I can wear the t-shirt. The size 14 jeans go on, but don't button and zip yet. Close though!)
Exercise/Fitness Goals:
End of June 2012:
*15 push ups on my toes: GOT IT!, I am up to 20 push ups most days.
*17 burpees in 1 minute: ALMOST THERE (I can get 15)
*40 seconds of Val slider army crawls without dropping: NOT YET, but I can do 20 seconds now without too much trouble.
*Move up within the 300 club on the dead lift board. GOT IT! I'm able to dead lift 305 pounds
*1 unassisted pull-up: ALMOST THERE.
*Complete a 3.1 mile/5K race jogging at least 2.5 miles: I am regularly running about 2 miles now, we'll see how I do in my 5K on Saturday.
End of June 2012:
*15 push ups on my toes: GOT IT!, I am up to 20 push ups most days.
*17 burpees in 1 minute: ALMOST THERE (I can get 15)
*40 seconds of Val slider army crawls without dropping: NOT YET, but I can do 20 seconds now without too much trouble.
*Move up within the 300 club on the dead lift board. GOT IT! I'm able to dead lift 305 pounds
*1 unassisted pull-up: ALMOST THERE.
*Complete a 3.1 mile/5K race jogging at least 2.5 miles: I am regularly running about 2 miles now, we'll see how I do in my 5K on Saturday.
I'm pleased with my progress and I am not done yet. I'm going to get those size 14 jeans on and be able to wear them comfortably before school starts on August 29. Maybe by then I'll even be comfortable wearing my black t-shirt: I earned it and I want to show it off.
Looking ahead to the future I have a half marathon in January and another in February. I remember when 3 miles seemed like an impossible goal so when I start feeling panicky about 13.1 miles I just remind myself I never thought I could run 3 miles or exercise regularly and I do both of those things now.
Looking ahead to the future I have a half marathon in January and another in February. I remember when 3 miles seemed like an impossible goal so when I start feeling panicky about 13.1 miles I just remind myself I never thought I could run 3 miles or exercise regularly and I do both of those things now.
Now, on to the numbers. Thanks for bearing with me.
Measurements: August 6, 2012
Body Fat Percentage: 31.5% (up 1% since May 2012)
Hips: 48.75 inches (down 2 inches since May 2012)
Waist: 39.5 inches (stayed the same)
Thigh: 26.25 inches (down 0.75 inches)
Arm: 14.5 inches (up 0.25 inches since May 2012)
Progress since January 2012
Hips: Lost 6 inchesWaist: Lost 4.5 inches
Thighs: Lost 1.75 inch
Arms: Lost 0 inches
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