What am I doing??

As you might be able to guess from the title I am in a doubting frame of mind at the moment. I do know how to handle this without whining to all the people who take time out of their day to read my blog, but this is my journey and I'm being honest. If I make every post all sunshine and joy I'm not being honest and I'm not being real. This journey isn't always easy. I will keep the whining to a minimum.

It's been a hard week. I seem to be fighting a cold at the moment which usually makes me crabby. My workouts this week seemed to be more about going through the motions and praying to get to the end than taking any real joy in what I can do now. Don't get me wrong: I definitely appreciate what I can do now, but this week it didn't bring me any joy.

Monday morning I got my 10th top performer dog tag after bootcamp. I get my next month of personal training free. That's a huge deal and I should have been thrilled. Instead I really wanted to question the instructor to find out what I did that was good. It was all I could to haul my butt through that workout.

I KNOW I am my own worst critic and I am 100 times harder on myself than is ever warranted, so I bit my tongue and said thank you. I put on a good face and I really did appreciate the recognition, even if it felt completely undeserved. I have to trust that my instructor sees something I don't and he definitely knows what he's doing and talking about.

Tuesday I brought a friend to bootcamp with me. She did an amazing job & she is still speaking to me even if she was sore. Again, I felt like I was hauling my butt through the workout and my only goal was to get it done so I could leave. That's not me, that attitude hasn't been mine since the beginning of the mooser competition.

Wednesday was Warrior Class, which I normally love. I enjoyed it this week, but not like I normally do. The goal was to complete 7 rounds of the exercises before the end of class.

1 round consisted of
10 kettlebell snatches (each arm)
6 tire flips (the tire flips hurt my back so it was modified to 12 Goblet Squats with a 30 pound dumbbell)
1 pond run (modified to a Birch run and I had to keep running the entire time)
8 double kettlebell clean, squat, presses
10 sledgehammer slams (each arm) 

I made it through 6 and that was a struggle. I hit the wall at the end of round 6 and I was done. I stretched out my aching back, glutes and hamstrings and wondered what the heck was wrong with me.

Someone who is much wiser than me suggested that I need a break. That I have been pushing myself for a long while now and it might be time to use the down week as a break to give my body and mind time to regroup and renew so I can focus on my goals again and avoid injury.

The idea of a complete break and a week where I only think about being compliant with my nutrition scares me. I agree it's probably needed and I'll be better for it.

This morning I stood in front of my nemesis the scale. I haven't weighed myself since the last measurements and I wasn't looking forward to doing it this morning. I know the scale gives me a number that means nothing, but years of brainwashing have convinced me that number is important too. Unfortunately that number has pretty much stalled or gone up since the beginning of August. I was expecting the same this morning and was fully prepared to see that 258 pounds had gone up again. 

I got a pleasant surprise, it was down to 256. I know my body isn't the same, but I'd really appreciate the scale giving me the same information. People are always shocked when I tell them my weight really hasn't changed much since May. My inches and body fat percentage have changed a lot and I try to focus on that, but that number on the scale still means something too. 

So at the end of the day: I'm human. I get discouraged and pissed off with situations that are really none of my business, but irritating nonetheless. I whine and complain and forget I am not alone in this. I promised I wouldn't preach at you in my blog, and I won't. Thank you God for your strength (and thank you to KC and JA for the reminders that I'm not ever in this alone).

Thanks for reading...back to your regularly scheduled day now.

Priorities

To accomplish great things we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe. ~Anatole France

So, let's start this off with a question. What are the priorities in your life? Family? Friends? Your job? Pets? Exercise? God?

I used to be able to answer with no hesitation my priorities were job, family and friends. My job definitely came first for me. My identity was completely tied up in being a special educator. I'm sure it's no surprise to anyone that putting everything I had into my job didn't make me happy. I took every bit of constructive criticism as proof I wasn't good enough. Putting my job first wasn't ever going to make me happy, but it sure meant I didn't need to spend any time on myself. That was a priority too, putting everyone and everything in my life above myself.

We all know when that changed, but do you know why it changed? I have never held back before, I'm not about to censor myself now. The part of my brain that would like to filter my words is practically screaming at me not to write any of this. Since I haven't heeded the filter before there's little to no chance I'm going to listen to it now.

My priorities had to change because I was miserable. Completely, utterly miserable and so depressed getting out of bed was a chore. I pasted on a smile, I volunteered for every extra task I could at work and I threw myself into the coursework for my master's degree hoping it would make me feel better. All I felt was tired and more and more down as time passed. I knew I was ignoring myself, but that was so much easier than admitting I was miserable and doing something about it. I had no reason to be so unhappy so I kept telling myself to get over it.

I had applied to be a biggest mooser contestant before January 2012, but it wasn't time yet. I had tried bootcamp and pretty much failed miserably. I wasn't ready to commit myself to the program and trust the instructors. I wanted results, but on my terms. I'd do almost anything as long as no one asked me to trust them.

So what changed? 

I changed. I discovered there is something outside my little life. I decided it was past time to see if living a different way could make me happy. If I could find a way beat the depression without resorting to taking drugs that made me feel flat and blah.

DISCLAIMER: I am not knocking antidepressants. I've taken them, for me they were not the answer. Please, please, please: don't make decisions or do things based on me. Talk to your doctor. This is my story, not me telling you how to live. 

 

Obviously I was chosen as a Biggest Mooser contestant and I finished the competition, though most of the time the ONLY thing keeping me in it was that I could please someone else. The occasional "atta girl" or high five from an instructor didn't hurt either, I love praise.

 

My priorities really hadn't changed in April when the contest ended. I'm sure they seemed to have changed to anyone who knew me. I continued going to bootcamp even though I wasn't the "Biggest Mooser". I am a perpetual people pleaser and I transferred my desire to excel as a special educator to my desire to make the bootcamp instructors proud of me. 

It wasn't until I went on a 2 week vacation after school ended that I discovered I actually LIKED to exercise and I felt better when I exercised. No instructor, no bootcamp friends, just me and a workout I put together. Planks, squats, high knees, push ups, burpees: nothing fancy, but I made myself go

until I was sweating every  time.

There wasn't a morning I finished and had an epiphany in the shower or anything. It was coming home and actually looking forward to going to bootcamp for ME. Not because Ben, Tyler, Mary or Stacey would be happy to see me (I think they were) but because I enjoyed the time to focus on my body and pushing myself. 

 

Now I am trying to cut down to 3 bootcamp classes per week plus personal training and Warrior Class. I also have a Wellness Center class I love, All-Star Workout.

I asked you a question at the beginning and I'd like to answer it myself with my new priorities: My faith, exercise, family, friends and my job.

I've discovered that not putting my job in first place has actually made me a better teacher. My ego isn't tied into being perfect so I can accept comments and suggestions without feeling that it means I'm awful at what I do. There are days I leave work grouchy out-of-sorts and wondering why I chose to teach, but those days I can usually count on a workout to adjust my attitude and remind me of my priorities.

Now...on with the weekend. Wishing everyone a wonderful time.

 

Thanks for reading!

Running & randomness...

I ran another 5K on Sunday. The Annual Fall Foliage Run to benefit the Old Stone House Museum. I had new sneakers and I was feeling confident. Well, that confidence lasted until my shins started to ache, then my breathing got off and it went downhill from there. I still have not mastered continuing to run when my mind is convinced I need to stop. My body is definitely stronger and capable of being pushed more than I do push when I run. I'll push in bootcamp with no problems-Now I need to bring that to my running.

It got me thinking HARD about things. I finished the 5K in 50:15 and I said I was proud of that. I know I should be, but that's where the problem is. I KNOW I should be proud of myself, I know where I came from. The problem is I want to be at the end NOW! I'm not saying I mind the hard work. When I don't work out I feel out-of-sorts, like I'm letting someone down. Not that I'm letting myself down, but someone else. It feels completely selfish to say I workout because I enjoy it. I always want to give some deep, meaningful reason, like doing something for myself just isn't okay.

While I was running or at some point after I must have strained or woken up some weak muscles in my lower back. Monday morning I was standing at the kitchen sink getting my water for the day when my lower back seized up. If you've experienced that before you know what I'm talking about and you are probably wincing right now. If you have never felt that I hope you don't, it hurt and I have a pretty high pain threshold (just ask, I ignore or hide sprained ankles and broken toes to keep working out. Not recommended by the way) . I have been trying to be more careful and use ice and heat to treat sore muscles instead of diving into the ibuprofen bottle, but Monday morning when I finally felt like I could move I took 6 tablets and hoped it would work fast (Yes, that was 1200 mg. of Ibuprofen. I don't recommend it, but I was desperate for relief).

Monday passed and as long as I didn't stand still or sit for too long I was okay. The funny thing, though I'm sure someone more knowledgeable than me could explain it, is my back didn't bother me at all during bootcamp at 5:30 am or at 6:15 pm when I went to All-Star Workout. Any other time it was a balancing act not to sit or stand for too long. I kept moving as much as I could so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain.

Tuesday I could sit and stand normally with only a few twinges to remind me I did something. Bootcamp was fine, no pain, but a ton of sweat. Personal training wasn't so fine. Those copper kettlebells just were not coming up for double KB squats and it made me angry and upset. I was reminded several times that sometimes it's not about pushing the weight. Yes, I know, but I WANT to push the weight. I listened to my trainer and what I did do I think I did darn well. I got to try Rope Climbs again and anyone who has been reading this blog for awhile knows my first personal training session with rope climbs resulted in me huddled on the floor crying. Not on Tuesday night: I might have struggled with them, but I could do 6 reps.

Wednesday morning I did something I don't often do. I took a break. I slept later and didn't panic that I had missed bootcamp. I'm pretty sure no one is going to tell me I'm through and I've been kicked out of bootcamp for getting some rest. Plus I knew I had Warrior Class coming at 6 pm.

Warrior Class was wonderful as always. My back feels almost back to normal and the twinges were a good reminder to use my legs and knees to lift those kettlebells, not my back. I know I've heard that before...but you may have noticed I have to learn a lot of lessons the hard way. 

So what can I take away from my experiences this week?

1. I have a lot to be proud of myself for and I need to acknowledge that.
2. It really is okay to say I workout for myself and how good it makes me feel. I feel strong and powerful now, instead of weak and mousy: I should enjoy that.
3. I need to keep running and practicing.
4. I am blessed beyond belief to have friends who love me even when I am less than lovable.
5. Taking a break is not the end of the world.

I'll let you get back to your regularly scheduled evening now.

Thanks for reading!

Ahh...Numbers

Let's get right to the important part of this blog. I have new numbers to report and honestly, with the start of the school year and another VMI weekend looming (September 7 & 8) I'm not feeling all that witty. I have some things to say, I'll say them, but first I'll give you those numbers.

Weight: 258 pounds (I checked to be sure the cat wasn't sitting on it with me, but since he's 24 pounds I sort of knew it wasn't him)

Body Fat Percentage: 29.6% (down 1.9%. Nice. :) )

Thigh: 26.75 in. (up 0.5 inches from August 7)

Hips: 49.5 in. (up 0.75 inches from August 7)

Waist: 39.5 in. (same as August 7)

Arm: 13 in. (down 1.5 inches from August 7)

So...my thoughts on these numbers? Well obviously the scale is completely defective and needs to be replaced immediately. I'm thrilled with the body fat percentage. I'm in the average range...seriously, I checked a chart: I have an average percentage of body fat. The thigh measurement doesn't bother me too much, maybe just a little bit. I want them to get smaller. Maybe instead of worrying about a number I should be thankful I have two strong legs that can move me around?

The hip measurement got me, I'm used to that going down. This time it went up and I came close to freaking out about it. Childish, but there it is...I wanted to freak out over a number. Did I? No, I managed to be an adult, but you bet there will be an extra push this month from me during classes in the next session. I like that measurement going down.

My waist stayed the same and that's OK. I expect if I up my effort that number will go down as well.

The arm measurement was a nice surprise. I haven't seen that number go down recently.

What else have I been up to? I'm keeping a food journal again. It's interesting to see what I really eat and that I'm getting better at eating supportively. I have a lean protein and a fibrous carb most meals. I'm even able to have a cheat meal without blowing my nutrition plan completely apart. After the cheat meal I'm anxious to get right back on track. I like to be in control, what can I say.

The 2 areas I need to work on with my nutrition are taking my vitamins and drinking enough water. The rule of thumb is that you should drink half of your body weight in ounces of water per day. I weigh 258 pounds...so I should be drinking at least 129 ounces of water per day. I get about 110 ounces per day, almost enough, but almost enough won't really cut it.

Then the vitamin dilemma. I know I should take them and really I don't mind taking them. The problem being I prefer to take my vitamins before bed and by the time I remember I haven't take them it's 2 am and I am not getting out of bed for anyone. I've thought of training the cat to go get them for me, but I'm guessing by the withering looks he gives me when I suggest it Gizmo has even less interest in getting out of my bed than I do. Yes, I can take them in the morning and that will probably be the solution I settle on. For the moment I am still holding out hope I can remember to take them before bed.

All right, you've spent enough time with me. Go on with your day and I'll go on with mine.

Thanks for reading.