It's Worth It

I've been quiet for some time now. Mostly because real life found me under my lurking rock and dragged me kicking and screaming out. Not much time to write when your goal is to get back under your rock and hide.

Yes, I have changed in the past ten months, but I haven't changed that much. When things get overwhelming I still choose retreat. If you corner me I'll come out fighting, but at heart I prefer fleeing.

As you have probably guessed I lived through my break from exercise. When I came back I was hesitant and unsure about deadlifting again. I know it wasn't the deadlifts that caused the problems. That blame would be mine for choosing to ignore my body's signals that all was not well and I needed to back off. Last night in personal training I did deadlifts again. It was 185 pounds, not my record of 305 pounds but it felt good. Actually it felt amazing. I used proper form, concentrated on lengthening my spine and not even a twinge from my lower back. Maybe my heavy lifting days aren't over after all. :)

I got to show Ben my rope climbs last night too. He was there the first time I ever did them when I could barely haul myself up and going down consisted of thumping to the floor because my arms hurt too much to lower my body. My arms still hurt last night, but I did it. I'd like to think I impressed Ben, but then I'm a teacher's pet at heart. I did get a high five when personal training was over...I'd say I did a good job.

Last Friday morning I got a gift from a friend. Someone I really admire actually, because she pushes herself to be better every time and she makes most of the things we do in class look easy. She framed a print for me and now that print takes place of pride on my desk. Thanks Ami for thinking of me and giving me the nudge to get up, dust off and get back to it.

For those who are curious I'll post it. I believe you can find it on HasFit.com if you want it for yourself . 

It will hurt.
It will take time.
It will require sacrifice.
It will require dedication.
It will require willpower.
You will need to make healthy decisions.
You will need to push your body to its max.
There will be temptation
And days when you want to give up,
But when you reach your goal,
IT'S WORTH IT!

I guess since I've left my comfort zone far behind it's probably time to walk away from my lurking rock too. I'll miss it, but there's a big wide world out here that I've ignored for far too long. I know it won't always be easy or fun, but it's what I have to do.

Thank you for taking the time to read and to let me know you're reading. I know everyone who reads this has a million other things clamoring for their attention and I hope this blog offers a small break.

Numbers, numbers everywhere!

I am two days into my break from bootcamp and I have one thing to say: I HATE THIS!

It was so hard to walk into Derby this morning and just have my measurements taken. I was going to go to All-Star Workout tonight and get a workout in anyway, but I am smart enough and adult enough to know listening to my instructor is going to be much better for me in the long run. So I am sitting here to write this blog post, then I'm going to get off my butt and clean. I have to do something, even if it involves cleaning.

I know I need a break, I know it is for the best, I know it is only one week and nothing irreparable will happen in one week. I know all these things and I'm reminding myself of them constantly. I would like to take a moment to thank Tyler for telling me I needed a break (no, I am not being sarcastic...okay, I am not being too sarcastic).

I suppose this is a way for me to learn patience and that I need to be careful. I should have learned that by now, but since I didn't there's no time like the present. Did I mention it's a VMI weekend too? I may have to run on Friday and Saturday so I don't explode. I don't think it's safe to face Calculus with no exercise at all.

Since this is my second post in two days I won't drag this out. I'll give you my new measurements and let you get back to your evening. There's a kitchen floor just begging to be scrubbed.

October 8, 2012 Measurements
Weight: 255 pounds
Body Fat Percentage: 30%
Hips: 49.25 inches
Waist: 39.5 inches
Thigh: 26.25 inches
Arm: 13.25 inches

Now let's see how far I've come since January 2012:

Weight: lost 38 pounds
Body Fat Percentage: 7.9%
Hips: lost 5.5 inches
Waist: lost 4.75 inches
Thigh: lost 1.5 inches
Arm: lost 1.25 inches

 I've lost a grand total of 13 inches. I have muscles I can feel in places that I didn't know there were muscles. My hipbones aren't quite as buried under fat as they once were and I was actually able to shop in an Old Navy store instead of online. I have been able to find clothes in the women's section of Kohl's instead of immediately going to the Plus Size department.

Thanks for reading...

Break Time

Another bootcamp session is over. The down week has started and I'm not planning on completing another workout until Monday, October 15. There are classes and activities planned for the down week, I could certainly go and exercise. The fact is I've been asked not to. Tyler suggested that I use the down week to rest. I argued, but it was a pretty half-hearted argument.

I know Tyler is right: I need to rest. My aching lower back, glutes and knees make that pretty clear. Something else made it even clearer: my attitude. For the first time in many months I have not wanted to work out. I did work out, but I don't think any of the instructors were fooled. "I" wasn't really there. I gave what I could, but I didn't have any "all" to give.

Since I've been honest in the past I'll be honest now too:

1. I'm exhausted. I think I've cried more in the past 2 weeks than I have in the past 9 months. I cry after workouts, because I hurt and because I know what I just did was nothing close to the best I could do. That bothers me.

2. I'm afraid: I'm supposed to run a half-marathon in January and right now I don't see any possible way I will be able to do it. Friends have told me I can walk, as long as I can complete a mile in 16 minutes or less I can do it. The thing is I want to run. I want to feel what I felt in June when I finished my first 5K. That surge of happiness that I did something I never thought I could. I don't feel that now: running has become a chore and one I resent whole-heartedly.

3. I'm angry: I posted a status on Facebook saying I wanted to see how many more people I could make unhappy on Tuesday and a friend emailed me to say she wasn't angry or unhappy. My thought at the time was "So glad you're not angry or unhappy: I'm angry and unhappy enough for both of us". She also reminded me that I have to do what is best for me, not always worry about what everyone else thinks. Which leads nicely into #4...

4. I'm worried: Needing this break and actually taking it I worry I am letting people down. Yeah, I know, I spend WAY too much time worrying. I need to take care of myself too. I think the aches and exhaustion are my body's way of getting my attention.

I'm not going to go on a week-long binge however. I am going to be very careful with my nutrition. My goal is to be on the Ben's Bootcamp Wall of Fame some day. I'd like to be someone new bootcampers feel they can talk to. Right now I feel about as approachable as a porcupine. That will change. I don't think I'll ever be outgoing, but I will at least be approachable again.

So during the down week I'm going to rest and regroup. I'm going to set new goals. I will figure out where I need to go next and how best to get there. If I take the time to really listen and ask for help, I am sure I will get where I am supposed to be.

Thanks for taking the time to read...