It's been almost a year now since this journey started. At the beginning I wasn't sure what I'd gotten myself into or if I would/could/should continue. Obviously I kept going, or I wouldn't be writing this blog still. I love to write and all, but not enough to keep rambling on for close to a year. My life isn't that fascinating, trust me.
Yesterday I braved driving on some crappy roads for personal training and measurements. I don't regret the personal training. Having my measurements done, well, if I tell myself enough times that they are just numbers eventually I'm going to believe it. That's one of my HUGE areas of weakness still. I've grown and changed in many ways, but I still look at those inches and percentages and think they speak to my worth as a person.
NOT TRUE: they are numbers pure and simple. They let me know that I need to pay more attention and bypass those foods I know I shouldn't eat too much of, but they are numbers. Those numbers don't tell you that I started out the year not able to make it across the studio doing inchworms, but now I can without being out of breath. They won't tell you that I am so focused when I workout that I don't notice something like a fingernail I ripped until I get home and notice blood on my finger. Those numbers sure as hell won't tell you I didn't quit when super sore muscles, knee injuries, a sprained ankle or sore back would have made it easy to walk away. In short, those numbers tell you nothing about who I REALLY am.
I also decided late last night/early this morning that I had the wrong perspective on my measurements. Sure, they went up from November, but they are way down from January 2012. That's the whole point after all: not to get down and give up based on a month that wasn't as great as it could have been, but to look to where I came from. To remember walking in that studio and wishing to sink into the floor and going to hide in a corner to work out, not wanting to talk to anyone. To look at that first picture and see the miserable look on my face. To remember how I felt like the Biggest Mooser contest was the last thing I was trying, then I was finished with it all.
Now I enjoy walking into the studio, even if there are days I look at the board and debate walking right back out. In pictures now I usually smile and it reaches my eyes. I know now I have the tools and the experts around me to accomplish whatever I want to.
Yes, yes...we are getting to the numbers. I'm hanging back because I want to really emphasize what's important and it isn't those numbers. This journey isn't about numbers: it's about growing and changing, preparing myself for whatever the next steps in my life are going to be and being ready to meet those challenges head on without too much fear and whining. Seriously, you really think I'm going to face change without whining about it?? I haven't changed that much!
I've dragged this on long enough I guess: it's time for those numbers now.
January 2012
Weight: 293
Body Fat Percentage: 37.9%
Hips: 54.75"
Waist: 44"
Thigh: 27.75"
Arm: 14.5"
Clothing Size: 24 (I could squeeze into a 22, but it was uncomfortable)
December 2012
Weight: 253
Body Fat Percentage: 29.9%
Hips: 49.25"
Waist: 40.25"
Thigh: 26.75"
Arm: 14.5"
Clothing Size: 16
Total Loss
Weight: 40 pounds
Body Fat Percentage: 8%
Hips: 5.5"
Waist: 3.75"
Thigh: 1"
Arm: stayed the same, but you can feel more muscle now
Clothing Sizes: 4
I thought about not sharing those numbers at all to be honest. They looked so much better last month, but I'm not about trying to impress anyone. I'm about being honest and hoping that maybe in some way, knowing where I am and what I'm thinking could inspire or encourage someone else. Maybe those numbers aren't all that impressive to anyone else, but they are fantastic and completely amazing to me: I know how hard I've worked to achieve what I have.
Am I done now? Nope, not even close. I have never really sat down to think about when I would be done or how I would know. I just know I'm not at a place where I would want to stop. I am at a place where I am seeing the things my body can do and I'm intrigued to see what else I'm capable of. I do need to sit down and ponder my goals for 2013. I know weight goals won't be a part of it, the scale doesn't change very often and it is disheartening at times, so I'm backing away from it. I need to appreciate and be thankful for what I have accomplished, not angry and depressed because the scale won't budge.
I will continue to blog in 2013, so if you're interested you're welcome to come along for the ride. I'd love the company.
Thanks for reading.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Is this me?
I have had occasion to ask myself that question a lot in the past 11 months. I'm still not sure I have an answer, because I seem to be changing. I'm not the person I was 11 months ago. Most days I am self-assured and I feel confidence in myself and my abilities. Not always, but more often than ever before. I don't look in the mirror, grimace and turn away as much anymore. Now I study the person looking back and I don't hate her. I may not always love her, but I like what I see. I still don't see the changes other people do, but I am wise enough to know I might never see what others see.
I LOVE to exercise. I don't jump out of bed at 5 am loving it, but by the time I am done I am thankful I left my bed and my purring cats and got to sweat alongside so many great, inspiring people. I genuinely miss working out when I don't. I'm also branching out and getting braver with what I will do. I have been a creature of habit in the past. I would do bootcamp and only bootcamp. Now I do bootcamp, Power 90 workouts, All Star Workout, I jog/run and I am looking forward to starting to hike and snowshoe soon.
Finally, finally, finally I've figured out that food is nothing more than fuel for my body. It can't make a hard day go away, it can't make me feel better when I want to cry and it won't protect me from anything. When I have a hard day physical activity is the best thing for me and it works better than a pint of ice cream. When I want to cry I am learning to let go and do just that. I still prefer to do that by myself, but I know crying in front of others is not the end of the world. It is what it is. As for feeling safe...food didn't protect me, it was never designed to protect me. I am getting stronger, leaner, faster and wiser. There are things in the world I cannot protect myself from. My job is to live this life I was given and enjoy it.
The Ben's Bootcamp Camper of the Year has been announced. It wasn't me, but the person who won was an excellent choice. I thought I would mind not being chosen. I'm finding I don't. I wasn't looking for that kind of recognition. It would have been nice, I would have appreciated it, but at the end of the day I am not working as hard as I am just to get attention.
I am working this hard for MYSELF. This transformation is about me, and yes it feels pretty selfish to say that. It probably is pretty selfish, but it's the truth. I'm not doing this for anyone else. I don't want to sound mean or ungrateful, but I have to take care of myself. I love my family and friends and by taking care of myself I am better able to be there for them when I'm needed.
I hope that didn't come across sounding as if I don't appreciate the time and energy my instructors have given me, I DO appreciate it. I have thanked them numerous times, and meant it every single time. The reality is if I am doing this only to please Ben, Ami, Ty, Mary, Stacey or anyone else I'm not going to be able to keep going. Others can encourage me, support me and guide me, but they can't motivate me: that has to come from within.
End of the year numbers will be coming soon. I'll even step on my dreaded nemesis, the scale, so I can report that number as well.
I'll have to sit down soon and map out my goals for 2013. No resolutions, just thinking about where I came from and where I am heading.
I know a few things on my calendar for 2013 already:
1. Disney Princess Half Marathon in February. (Yes, I was going to do the Tinkerbell Half-Marathon, but the logistics weren't working out so that has been deferred until January 2014)
2. Tough Mudder in August. I have a team of friends I will be doing this with. I'm excited and more than a little nervous about this, but I have time to prepare.
Other than that I would like to make the Wall of Fame by the end of 2013. We shall see....
For the moment I have gifts to finish up and wrap. Merry Christmas to all of you!
Thanks for reading...
I LOVE to exercise. I don't jump out of bed at 5 am loving it, but by the time I am done I am thankful I left my bed and my purring cats and got to sweat alongside so many great, inspiring people. I genuinely miss working out when I don't. I'm also branching out and getting braver with what I will do. I have been a creature of habit in the past. I would do bootcamp and only bootcamp. Now I do bootcamp, Power 90 workouts, All Star Workout, I jog/run and I am looking forward to starting to hike and snowshoe soon.
Finally, finally, finally I've figured out that food is nothing more than fuel for my body. It can't make a hard day go away, it can't make me feel better when I want to cry and it won't protect me from anything. When I have a hard day physical activity is the best thing for me and it works better than a pint of ice cream. When I want to cry I am learning to let go and do just that. I still prefer to do that by myself, but I know crying in front of others is not the end of the world. It is what it is. As for feeling safe...food didn't protect me, it was never designed to protect me. I am getting stronger, leaner, faster and wiser. There are things in the world I cannot protect myself from. My job is to live this life I was given and enjoy it.
The Ben's Bootcamp Camper of the Year has been announced. It wasn't me, but the person who won was an excellent choice. I thought I would mind not being chosen. I'm finding I don't. I wasn't looking for that kind of recognition. It would have been nice, I would have appreciated it, but at the end of the day I am not working as hard as I am just to get attention.
I am working this hard for MYSELF. This transformation is about me, and yes it feels pretty selfish to say that. It probably is pretty selfish, but it's the truth. I'm not doing this for anyone else. I don't want to sound mean or ungrateful, but I have to take care of myself. I love my family and friends and by taking care of myself I am better able to be there for them when I'm needed.
I hope that didn't come across sounding as if I don't appreciate the time and energy my instructors have given me, I DO appreciate it. I have thanked them numerous times, and meant it every single time. The reality is if I am doing this only to please Ben, Ami, Ty, Mary, Stacey or anyone else I'm not going to be able to keep going. Others can encourage me, support me and guide me, but they can't motivate me: that has to come from within.
End of the year numbers will be coming soon. I'll even step on my dreaded nemesis, the scale, so I can report that number as well.
I'll have to sit down soon and map out my goals for 2013. No resolutions, just thinking about where I came from and where I am heading.
I know a few things on my calendar for 2013 already:
1. Disney Princess Half Marathon in February. (Yes, I was going to do the Tinkerbell Half-Marathon, but the logistics weren't working out so that has been deferred until January 2014)
2. Tough Mudder in August. I have a team of friends I will be doing this with. I'm excited and more than a little nervous about this, but I have time to prepare.
Other than that I would like to make the Wall of Fame by the end of 2013. We shall see....
For the moment I have gifts to finish up and wrap. Merry Christmas to all of you!
Thanks for reading...
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Time flies...
It's been awhile again. Life keeps pulling me forward and the things I don't schedule in just don't seem to be happening. My new job is providing a vertical learning curve that leaves me reeling most days. I workout, work and that's about all I have to give.
I am keeping up with my exercise and am beginning to run again after some really sore piriformis muscles convinced me I would never be a runner and I should quit while I was ahead. I may never be the best runner, but I can be a runner and that's enough.
I just returned from a weekend on Staten Island with a dear friend. It was sobering to see the damage left behind in Sandy's wake. I had a wonderful time, many laughs and some great shopping. It was heartening to see people pulling together to meet needs and give to others. Not for fame or recognition, but because it was the right thing to do.
On Monday, December 3 I had an experience that was humbling to say the least. I was nominated for Camper of the Year at Ben's Bootcamp. The nomination was such an honor, but what was written about me was truly humbling. I still cry when I read it...and if someone else reads it forget it: I'm a wreck. All I can say is thank you Ben, what you wrote may well be true, but it's only because my instructors believed in me when I didn't have the confidence or courage to believe in myself.
When I started on this journey I had no idea what to expect. I wasn't sure it was worth it to improve my health and I wasn't sure I really cared. The small spark of hope lived inside me and it wanted better than constant tiredness and feeling down. I figured I had nothing to lose when I applied to the Biggest MOOser contest. When I was chosen as a semi-finalist that little spark flared up and I WANTED to be one of the finalists. Thanks again to every person who took time out of their lives to vote for me and make sure I got an incredible opportunity.
As I kept working out the effort I put in to make my instructors and friends proud changed into wanting to make myself proud. The body I once loathed was showing me just how strong it could be. Now I do what I do for myself. For peace of mind, for health, for happiness and for the sheer joy of doing things I would have considered impossible almost a year ago.
So now I am one of six nominees for Camper of the Year. I read the other bios on the competition and I am humbled all over again. I know two of the nominees quite well since I have been working out with them in Derby. The other three are from the Lyndonville studio and incredibly impressive as well. I would love to be Camper of the Year, I won't lie or hide that, but it truly was an honor just to be nominated.
Now I'm planning ahead for a New Year that promises to be amazing. Starting with a half-marathon and girl's weekend in February. In August I am going to cross one item off my bucket list: I will be competing in Tough Mudder. I am scared, excited and more than a little shocked that I am really going to do this. I'm sure the nerves will increase, but I have some amazing friends who will be beside me encouraging me and competing right along with me.
I hope you'll come along for the ride. It promises to be amazing trip. I'll try to be better about writing. The vertical learning curve I'm on HAS to ease up sometime, right? I won't always feel like I am over my head and treading water in a pool full of alligators.
Back to your evening and thanks for reading!
I am keeping up with my exercise and am beginning to run again after some really sore piriformis muscles convinced me I would never be a runner and I should quit while I was ahead. I may never be the best runner, but I can be a runner and that's enough.
I just returned from a weekend on Staten Island with a dear friend. It was sobering to see the damage left behind in Sandy's wake. I had a wonderful time, many laughs and some great shopping. It was heartening to see people pulling together to meet needs and give to others. Not for fame or recognition, but because it was the right thing to do.
On Monday, December 3 I had an experience that was humbling to say the least. I was nominated for Camper of the Year at Ben's Bootcamp. The nomination was such an honor, but what was written about me was truly humbling. I still cry when I read it...and if someone else reads it forget it: I'm a wreck. All I can say is thank you Ben, what you wrote may well be true, but it's only because my instructors believed in me when I didn't have the confidence or courage to believe in myself.
When I started on this journey I had no idea what to expect. I wasn't sure it was worth it to improve my health and I wasn't sure I really cared. The small spark of hope lived inside me and it wanted better than constant tiredness and feeling down. I figured I had nothing to lose when I applied to the Biggest MOOser contest. When I was chosen as a semi-finalist that little spark flared up and I WANTED to be one of the finalists. Thanks again to every person who took time out of their lives to vote for me and make sure I got an incredible opportunity.
As I kept working out the effort I put in to make my instructors and friends proud changed into wanting to make myself proud. The body I once loathed was showing me just how strong it could be. Now I do what I do for myself. For peace of mind, for health, for happiness and for the sheer joy of doing things I would have considered impossible almost a year ago.
So now I am one of six nominees for Camper of the Year. I read the other bios on the competition and I am humbled all over again. I know two of the nominees quite well since I have been working out with them in Derby. The other three are from the Lyndonville studio and incredibly impressive as well. I would love to be Camper of the Year, I won't lie or hide that, but it truly was an honor just to be nominated.
Now I'm planning ahead for a New Year that promises to be amazing. Starting with a half-marathon and girl's weekend in February. In August I am going to cross one item off my bucket list: I will be competing in Tough Mudder. I am scared, excited and more than a little shocked that I am really going to do this. I'm sure the nerves will increase, but I have some amazing friends who will be beside me encouraging me and competing right along with me.
I hope you'll come along for the ride. It promises to be amazing trip. I'll try to be better about writing. The vertical learning curve I'm on HAS to ease up sometime, right? I won't always feel like I am over my head and treading water in a pool full of alligators.
Back to your evening and thanks for reading!
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