This has NOT been a stellar week. More than once I wanted to throw in the towel. Why continue to workout when it hurts? Why not just give up and walk away?
I've asked those questions A LOT recently. My piriformis muscles seemed determined to ache constantly and all the rolling and stretching in the world didn't seem to help. Only it did help, just not in the time frame I wanted. Then my left knee (a constant nemesis) decided after one too many weighted squats and Turkish Get Ups that enough was enough and that started to ache. Top that with a strained rotator cuff and I handled it with about as much grace as a two year old having a tantrum.
I count it a victory that I did not COMPLETELY melt down at bootcamp. I held it together and reminded myself that I was stronger, I was better, this was a temporary setback and I WOULD get through. Then I drove home crying the whole way. I felt like a FAILURE. I didn't do what I wanted to do. So I didn't have my tantrum in front of others, but I had a tantrum. I'm not proud of my tantrum, but I am going to be honest. This blog isn't about making me look good. I want to be real about this journey: IT ISN'T EASY.
I know I make the journey harder than it needs to be by wanting everything to work on MY timeline. I don't want to wait or make slow progress: I want what I want now. That seems to be true of most of us, I know I'm not alone. I reflected a lot on that Thursday night into Friday morning. How much easier would this be if I would listen to my body and stop being so stubborn? Modifying exercises is not a sign of failure, it's probably more a sign of wisdom. I don't believe any of my friends or instructors would think less of me if I just admitted an exercise hurts and asked for a modification or a different exercise altogether. I can't spend so much time worrying that I'm not keeping up with someone else's timeline: If I'm not ready for something, I'm not ready. Pushing and pretending accomplish nothing.
At the heart of my problem is my desire to make everyone happy so they will like me. Honestly, what the heck?! People will think what they want to think about me, that is none of my business. The people who truly care about me and care for me will still be there if I decide I need to do what's best for me. I may disappoint people, I may feel bad, but that would have to be better than feeling constantly on edge and worried that I'm letting someone down. The truth is I am always letting someone down: myself. I am never going to make people like me by being at their beck and call. They will like me or not based on other factors and really, if someone is going to decide they don't like me because I'm not doing exactly what they want I'm better off without that person. Please keep in mind I'm not saying I know anyone who would do this or feels this way, I'm just working my way through the fears I hold deep inside.
So I am making a new commitment to myself as I come to the 1 year anniversary of the start of this journey.
1. I will pay attention to myself and my body.
2. When I hurt I'll adapt moves, I won't push through the pain silently.
3. I won't push myself beyond what's possible.
4. I will celebrate and enjoy the small victories, not keep looking for and pushing for what I consider to be "big victories". Anything I can do now that I couldn't before is a victory!
5. I will stop comparing myself to others and wanting to be perfect. I'll be myself. If I'm not top performer every class that doesn't mean I failed. If I finish a workout then I've won.
I'm going to adapt, change my attitude and move forward. I'm not going to throw in the towel, I'm not going to quit.
Thanks for reading...
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Looking Forward
Five days into 2013 and I'm committing to stop looking back and start focusing on here and now. All the worry and obsessing in the world isn't going to change the past, so time to let it go.
It's been a good week. More stress than I like at work, but much of that stress is self-imposed. I'm in a new job with a learning curve that doesn't really curve, it just goes straight up. I, of course, want to be perfect so my administrators won't regret giving me the job. Neither of them has expressed any dissatisfaction with me so that worry is something I manufactured on my own too. Isn't it great when you can sit back, look at your fears and realize how ridiculous they are, but can't stop yourself from feeling that way?
Back to bootcamp last week after a down week and end of year measurements (see previous post for those if you wish). I found a squat and pushup challenge for January while I was trolling around on Facebook, so I'm doing that too. This week will be the beginning of classes at the Wellness Center, I signed up for All-Star Workout and Yogalaties and I'm excited to get started. Definitely continuing with bootcamp and personal training. Some of my colleagues are beginning a weight loss/exercise group at work and I plan to join in on that when I can. The weight loss part I will skip, I'm really going to try and get over my obsession/hate relationship with the scale this year, but I'm all for new and different workouts.
So, since I've gathered you all here with another blog post let me ask you a serious question: Do I REALLY look different? No- I am NOT looking for praise or to have my ego stroked. I am serious. I see minute changes when I look in the mirror or see pictures of myself, but I don't see anything major. I am thrilled with how much better I feel...so most of the time I ignore the fact that I don't see changes in my body. Every once in awhile though it bothers me. How skewed is my perception of myself that I can't see anything?
I honestly am not expecting anyone to sit me down and detail all the changes they see, I don't even want that. I just want you to know if you compliment me and my response seems confused or embarrassed it's not false modesty: I really don't see what you see. I'm bright enough to know I might never see what any of you do and as I said, usually I am okay with that. As long as that fragile little spark of hope and confidence keeps growing I'm going to be just fine.
I've seen a quote a number of times recently (as a friend would tell me, that's a flashing neon billboard sign, so it might be wise to pay attention). "Other people's opinion of you is none of your business". It's one I'm trying to remember more often.
Here's another quote for you, one that stopped me dead in my tracks yesterday morning and got my attention: “Your biggest challenge isn’t someone else. It’s the ache in your legs and the voice inside that yells can’t, but don’t listen. You just push harder and then you hear the voice whisper can and you discover that the person you thought you were is no match for the person you really are.” ~Unknown
This year will be about continuing the progress started last year, building on success, learning from less successful ventures and always remembering to step outside my comfort zone so I can grow.
In the spirit of stepping outside my comfort zone I will compete in Tough Mudder on August 10, 2013 with a group of friends. Other than those 2 adventures I plan to enter more 5Ks and improve my time. My goal is to be able to complete a 5K in 30 minutes or less by December 2013.
So...I'm off and running.
Thanks for reading!
It's been a good week. More stress than I like at work, but much of that stress is self-imposed. I'm in a new job with a learning curve that doesn't really curve, it just goes straight up. I, of course, want to be perfect so my administrators won't regret giving me the job. Neither of them has expressed any dissatisfaction with me so that worry is something I manufactured on my own too. Isn't it great when you can sit back, look at your fears and realize how ridiculous they are, but can't stop yourself from feeling that way?
Back to bootcamp last week after a down week and end of year measurements (see previous post for those if you wish). I found a squat and pushup challenge for January while I was trolling around on Facebook, so I'm doing that too. This week will be the beginning of classes at the Wellness Center, I signed up for All-Star Workout and Yogalaties and I'm excited to get started. Definitely continuing with bootcamp and personal training. Some of my colleagues are beginning a weight loss/exercise group at work and I plan to join in on that when I can. The weight loss part I will skip, I'm really going to try and get over my obsession/hate relationship with the scale this year, but I'm all for new and different workouts.
So, since I've gathered you all here with another blog post let me ask you a serious question: Do I REALLY look different? No- I am NOT looking for praise or to have my ego stroked. I am serious. I see minute changes when I look in the mirror or see pictures of myself, but I don't see anything major. I am thrilled with how much better I feel...so most of the time I ignore the fact that I don't see changes in my body. Every once in awhile though it bothers me. How skewed is my perception of myself that I can't see anything?
I honestly am not expecting anyone to sit me down and detail all the changes they see, I don't even want that. I just want you to know if you compliment me and my response seems confused or embarrassed it's not false modesty: I really don't see what you see. I'm bright enough to know I might never see what any of you do and as I said, usually I am okay with that. As long as that fragile little spark of hope and confidence keeps growing I'm going to be just fine.
I've seen a quote a number of times recently (as a friend would tell me, that's a flashing neon billboard sign, so it might be wise to pay attention). "Other people's opinion of you is none of your business". It's one I'm trying to remember more often.
Here's another quote for you, one that stopped me dead in my tracks yesterday morning and got my attention: “Your biggest challenge isn’t someone else. It’s the ache in your legs and the voice inside that yells can’t, but don’t listen. You just push harder and then you hear the voice whisper can and you discover that the person you thought you were is no match for the person you really are.” ~Unknown
This year will be about continuing the progress started last year, building on success, learning from less successful ventures and always remembering to step outside my comfort zone so I can grow.
In the spirit of stepping outside my comfort zone I will compete in Tough Mudder on August 10, 2013 with a group of friends. Other than those 2 adventures I plan to enter more 5Ks and improve my time. My goal is to be able to complete a 5K in 30 minutes or less by December 2013.
So...I'm off and running.
Thanks for reading!
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