Well, isn't that special?

Another session has ended and I have new numbers to report. Am I thrilled with the numbers? Frankly: HELL NO! The only positive thing I can think to say at the moment is that the numbers didn't go up. I'll spare you the negatives, but those of you who know me can probably guess what I have been thinking and saying to myself. It's ugly, cruel and uncalled for, let's leave it at that.

I want so much to have a tantrum right now. I am feeling as mature as an overtired 2 year old and this is my forum to be honest. The mask is off here, forgive me for being human. My thoughts at the moment are. "So I deny myself, track every bite, try to stay around 1500 calories per day and exercise at least six times per week. So pardon me, but what the HELL?!! What am I screwing up???

Let me just get those numbers out of the way first. Then you can go back to your lives.

Weight: 242 pounds
Body Fat Percentage: 29.8%
Hips: 48 inches
Waist: 37.5 inches
Thigh: 26.75 inches
Arm: 13.25 inches

My weight went down two pounds and my waist by half an inch. I am not belittling those numbers, not at all. I am just puzzled and concerned that my body fat seems stuck. It's in the average range, so maybe that's where my body wants to be...maybe that is my "normal" and I need to stop thinking I need to be like others I know. I'm me

I don't know...I just feel like I am missing something somewhere and that doesn't work for me. I want to get this right and I want to get it right now.

Maybe that's part of the problem. I refuse to be patient, I won't cut myself any slack, ever. I strive to be nice, patient, helpful and encouraging to my friends, but not with myself. I see the weakness and struggles and keep on pushing.

I realize this is a lifestyle change. There isn't an expiration date, no one is kicking me out of the club if I don't "get it right". I honestly don't think there is one "right way". I need to take what I've learned, what I know and what I discover and make it work in my life.

That's where I am right now. I feel like I'm standing at a crossroad right now and I need to stop and read my map. I can say with absolute confidence that despite a few minutes this morning when I pondered throwing all my hard work away and giving up that going back is not an option.

Someone told me I've come out of the shadows and I don't want to go back there. It's not where I want to live the life I've been given. I don't know precisely where I'm headed and I'm open to suggestions and help.

Thanks for reading...

Fear

I wasn't planning to post this entry...or I going to post it as private so only I could see it. That's not the point of this blog though. It's about my journey: the good, the bad, the ridiculous and the ugly. I want to be as honest as possible and maybe it will help someone. If I can begin to figure out my nutrition and fitness and build a lifestyle that makes sense for me, maybe someone can use the tools to build a plan that makes sense for them.

Or maybe I'm just a big old attention hog and I want everyone to notice me. Seriously? Trust me, it's not about wanting attention.

So since I seem intent on posting this I may as well get to it.

I'm afraid. Of lots of things: spiders, not being a good enough teacher, failing...the list is a long one. I'll spare you most of it since two things have been occupying my thoughts and interrupting my sleep for the last few weeks.

1. My health: I had my first visit with my new doctor on May 15. Things looked good, I'm still too heavy, but I knew that and I'm working on it. Then there was the moment that stopped me in my tracks. She felt a lump near my thyroid. We had already discussed me having some blood drawn to check my cholesterol and do a diabetes screening (Type 2 Diabetes runs on both sides of my family) so she asked if I minded adding a Thyroid function test too. No, I didn't mind not at all. Lumps in general aren't comforting. I'm sure this will turn out to be nothing at all, but for the moment I am a little worried.

2. Mountain Mucker: On Saturday, June 1 I will join some of my best friends for a 5K obstacle race at Mt. Sunapee in New Hampshire. No one has asked me to sign a death waiver so I shouldn't be scared, but I am TERRIFIED. I don't know what the obstacles will be. I'm sure they will be things I can handle or bypass. No one told me not to sign up when I mentioned it and I know my coaches well enough to know they would be honest with me if they thought this was the worst idea I'd ever had.

I'm getting braver and more courageous as time goes on. I step out of my comfort zone and put myself on the line frequently. The truth is that many times I am "faking it". I don't feel confident or sure of myself, but I still put myself out there.

So that's what I've been thinking about lately. Later this week I will be having measurements done so I'll have some new numbers and undoubtedly thoughts about those numbers. For right now I am going to retreat to my room with my new dog Abbey, snuggle her and try to deal with the fact that I can't always be in control. Sometimes I have to take a deep breath and TRUST that what is supposed to happen will happen.

Abbey, wise and affectionate advisor, pondering whether the camera is edible.

I wonder...

I keep coming up against the truth that I don't see a change in my body. When I look in the mirror I see that same person I've always seen, same size, nothing changed. Trust me, I know that's not true...I have bought clothes to fit the new body I don't see so I KNOW there have been changes, but my eyes and mind are clinging to the old me, even if she doesn't exist any longer.

I take pictures once a month, usually on the first of the month and others see the changes, but I want to see those changes too.

Last night I remembered a pair of jeans I had in my closet. The one pair I didn't get rid of when I purged the rest of the too big clothes. The final remaining pair of 22/24W pants in my closet. Yes, they should have gone too. Many of the articles I've read on the subject recommend two things:

1. Get rid of all the old, too big clothes. Hey, for the most part I followed this rule, but I had to hang on that one pair of 22//24W jeans. I remember when I thought how small they were and how proud I was to be in them. So they stay on the shelf with the new capris and jeans. A silent reminder of where I started this journey.

2. No clothes that are too small. Don't have anything you hope to wear "someday". Only have clothes that fit now. Okay, I broke that rule too. I have a pair of size 14 jeans hanging on my closet door. My new "goal jeans". I like a visual reminder of what I'm working toward, it makes it a lot easier to crawl out of bed and get to the studio when I want to roll over and sleep more.

...And since we're into confessions here, I have two pairs of size 12 capris in my closet as a summer goal. The cotton capris are more forgiving than the denim jeans and those almost fit comfortably now.

Back to the point of this post. I decided last night I would take a picture of those "old me" jeans and a picture of my most recent purchase, size 16 (no W) jeans purchased in the Ladies Department instead of the Women's Plus department.

First, the 22/24W's

Next the size 16's

Finally, a comparison of the two. 

So there is proof that things have changed, that I have changed. Physically and mentally I'm not the same person I was. I'm okay with that.

Thanks for reading...back to your evening!