Inside

So awhile ago I decided to take a step way outside my comfort zone and I signed up on an online dating site. Plenty of Fish as a matter of fact, if anyone cares about that sort of thing. I'm not looking to find the love of my life. I'm not sure I believe there is someone for everyone.

Don't get me wrong, I'd like to believe there is someone out there for me, but based on my past experiences with the opposite sex I'm a bit skeptical. I wouldn't say my life is miserable without a man in it, but there are times I'd like someone else to run my thoughts, dreams and ideas by. Abbey is an excellent listener, but her advice consists of dropping one of her toys in my lap so I can throw it for her. Fun, but not exactly life-altering advice.

In my limited time in the world of Internet dating I've discovered I don't like it. Maybe the men who show up in my inbox as my potential "perfect match" are jerks in real life too, or maybe the relative anonymity of the Internet makes them think comments like "wow, you're fatter than girls I would date" are acceptable. For the record, the man who made that comment is no Mr. America and seems to have a few extra pounds himself. Not to be rude, but if you're going to remind me I carry more weight than I want to chances are good I'll be happy to repay your honesty with honesty of my own.

Several comments like that have led me to think long and hard about our society, this journey of mine and how those two things are related. I'd like to be all perfect and above it all and tell you that getting fit has nothing to do with wanting to be pretty, but I am not that accomplished at lying.

OF COURSE I want to be pretty. Yes, you can tell me I am pretty and I will say thank you and smile, but I'm going to be honest: I don't feel pretty. I feel competent and strong, but attractive/pretty are not words I would ever use to describe myself. The outside of me is what it is, I think more about the person inside.

The person inside has undergone the most changes. She used to hide behind a high, thick wall. No one got inside that wall and if anyone tried I would freeze them out. Trusting people didn't work out well so everyone was held at arm's length. As the outside changed the woman inside got tired of hiding behind the wall, she let people in one by one, one small step at a time. I won't say I'm completely open now, there are still people I won't ever let in. There are times I still slam the door shut and refuse to let people in. This is a process, apparently a long process.

What did this post have to do with my journey? Is online dating necessary to me being a healthier, happier person? I think the answer to that last question would be a resounding NO. In fact, Internet dating might just make me decide being the crazy pet lady is a viable option.

At the end of the day, trying new things has to be a part of my journey. I'm discovering a new me, a woman who understands that there will be pain and she will get hurt, but no one has the power to destroy her unless she allows it. I won't be destroyed. I may cry, I will certainly hurt and grieve, but those things will make me stronger. I'm not weak, I never was, I just didn't see it.

Thanks for reading...

Letting go

Does there come a point in every life where you have to make a choice to let go? Or am I especially gifted at choosing people and situations that won't do a thing to improve my life and could in fact have the opposite effect? Is my "picker" broken?

The above questions have been running through my mind most of this weekend. So much for rest, relaxation and regrouping for the week ahead. The only time I don't find those questions running on  a loop in my head are when my body is moving. Gee, I bet this is why I exercise so much. Gosh, such an astute observation...oops, sarcasm.

Time for some "fall" cleaning. I tossed a lot of baggage and garbage on August 10 at about 5:45 pm. There's a bit more garbage still rattling around up there though. The part bothering me the most now though is some of the garbage isn't me: it's someone else. I am allowing someone else to have control in my life AGAIN...and I'll be blunt: it is PISSING me off.

Sorry, this rental property is closed down. It's been condemned and it won't ever be re-opening. I will forgive, but I won't forget. It's water under the bridge now and I have to move on. I have a life I WANT to live and am enjoying living for the first time ever. Thank you for the lesson, I'm moving on.

Wow, that was pretty cryptic, wasn't it? No sense beating around the bush though: it's over and done. No chance at going back, it's beyond time to move forward.

I'm letting go of that which I cannot control and grabbing on to the things I can. I can't control other people, but I can damn sure control myself and my reactions. If I can haul my butt up and down a mountain for 11 miles, 9 of those with pulled muscles, I think I can manage to be in charge of my own life and who is in it.

I have a core group of amazing people I can turn to when I need a shoulder, a listening ear or advice. These people are more than my friends and family, every one one of them is someone I would trust with my life and I don't hesitate to spill my "crazies" to them (thanks Nedah for that term: it is so perfect!), even if I should engage a filter more often than I choose to.

So what did the above have to do with my journey? Well, if I'm stressed or conflicted it shows up on the outside. Not always in my food choices or on the scale, but in my willingness to step beyond my comfort zone, my attitude and the amount of patience I show myself before I slam my fist into the turf and swear. (Helpful hint: the next time I need to drop an f-bomb and pound my fist I may want to consider doing it on the mats instead of the turf). I don't want obstacles I've created standing in the way of this journey so I'm taking responsibility and releasing them. After all, if I stay in my comfort zone there is no way I'll continue writing this blog. There is nothing easy or comfortable about posting pictures of myself or writing what I feel for other people to read. I hope in some way what I put in this blog can help someone see getting healthy isn't about being perfect. If I can do this anyone can, really. You want a cheerleader? Let me know: I'll be happy to wave some pom poms around and encourage you to keep going.

Measurements were taken on Monday, September 2 and I want to share them with you. I'm pleased with them. No new body fat percentage to report this time, so I'll stick with the old percentage from July.

Weight: 234 pounds (down 59 pounds from 1/12)
Body Fat Percentage: 28.2% ( down 9.7%)
Hips: 47.25 in. (down 7.5)
Waist: 37.5 in. ( down 6.5 in.)
Thigh: 26 in. (down 1.75 in)

Arm: 13.75 in.  (down 0.75 in)
Total inches lost since 1/12: 16.5 inches

Me on September 2, 2013. Yes I am smiling.

See, letting go isn't just about me spilling my crazies, it's about letting go of the inches, the weight and my comfort zone. Thanks for reading!