I think I'm a fearful person by nature. I might say the right things and try to be optimistic and calm, but inside whenever something isn't going the way I planned for it to go I feel panic building. Fortunately as a (usually) rational, (semi) sane person I can calm the panic, or at least stuff it into a box and sit on the lid until I can escape. Sometimes I can't do that though. Sometimes I feel so raw it's all I can do not to let the tears in my eyes be heard in my voice.
In my other life, the one where I don't assume that people care what I think nor do they want to spend their valuable free time reading my ramblings, I am a special education teacher. I try to remain calm, positive and tear-free during the day so I don't cause my students any stress or discomfort. I have varying levels of success with that. I care deeply about what I do, I plan obsessively and I always try to have several back up plans for those times when Plan A needs to be thrown out the window. When things don't go well, or someone throws a monkey wrench into my plans I feel awful. I might be able to hold it together, but it drives me crazy and my anxiety level shoots through the roof.
Then there's the rest of my life. The parts where I drive home from my early morning workouts and find the tears falling because I don't think I measured up. When exactly did I become a fitness professional? How do I really know I didn't measure up? No one has ever stopped me and said "Wow, you sucked today. Get your head back on straight before you come back". Those tears are based in fear. The fear I won't be able to maintain the weight loss and my instructors will give up on me. I didn't say it was rational, I've discovered that fear is very often irrational. None of my instructors have ever given the slightest indication that they would like me to walk out and never walk back in. None of them have ever made me feel like I am nothing more than money to them.
So what gives??? Didn't I leave all this garbage somewhere on Mount Snow in August? Am I just crazy?
What gives is that I'm human. I'm human and I'm my own worst critic. I feel like I have to be perfect to make people want to spend time with me. Yes, there have been people in my life who have fostered that belief, but it's still on me. I chose to believe it and I have mostly chosen to live my life as if that is true. How silly is it that I believe I have to be the perfect, quiet, most flexible person in any group to be worthy?
I'll answer my own question: it is RIDICULOUS! If you aren't going to like me for being myself chances are good you wouldn't really like me even if I try to be perfect.
So how is this confession part of my weight loss/better health journey? I'm beginning to see more and more that in order to be able to continue on this journey I need to let go of the mental/emotional weight too. I can't be perfect and I shouldn't even expect myself to be. I have to be myself for better or for worse.
Next week there will be measurements to report. Stay tuned.
Thanks for reading.
