One of the "Cool Kids"

Appearances can be deceiving. For example I have been told people tend to think I am aloof, cold or just downright a snob when they first meet me. I do understand where that perception comes from, I do have a tendency to stand on the periphery observing rather than getting involved and talking. The truth is I don't ever feel like I belong. I stand on the outside because that feels somewhat comfortable.

I've often wondered what it would be like to be one of the "cool kids". You know the ones, the ones who look like they have it all figured out and just effortlessly know the right thing to do and say in any situation. The ones who seem to be above it all.

So why am I thinking about this instead of getting COMPLETELY freaked out that Tough Mudder New England is just about a week away? Oh please, I am a champion multi-tasker when it comes to worrying. I have it covered. I'm quietly getting more anxious by the day. There will be a post about my second TM when I complete it, until then I'll stick with "cool kids".

For the last two and a half years I have been surrounded by people I would have to say are the "cool kids". The part that mystifies me is that no one has called me out and asked me to get lost. No one has pointed at me and made me feel like a complete fraud. Honestly, I work out and hang out with people who have lost over 200 pounds, dead lift incredible amounts of weight, run up hills that leave me wishing for death halfway up and just run in general without looking like they really want to punch someone. Sometimes I just plain feel like an impostor. I try to look the part and God knows I push myself to do what's expected, but I don't ever feel like I quite measure up.

You know what surprises me the most? These "cool kids" seem to like having me around. I don't think it's just the comic relief I provide when I trip on the turf or the mats or some other perfectly flat surface. These people seem to really LIKE me. Me. The shy kid. The one who chose to play all by herself in the block corner in Kindergarten so she wouldn't have to figure out how to talk to the other kids. Yet here I am...surrounded by people I wouldn't have imagined would waste a second of their time with me. Just maybe I've been misjudging myself all these years.

Case in point. Last Sunday I went to Manchester, NH with 3 of the "cool kids" and participated in a two hour Spartan workout with them. If you have the chance to participate in one I HIGHLY recommend it. It's free, you get a t-shirt and it was just plain FUN. There is one in Burlingon, VT on June 14. You can check it out and sign up here if you are interested. http://www.spartanraceworkout.com/home.html   I really can't recommend it enough: it was fun. Yes I did say a workout was fun.

I don't think I'm a "cool kid" by any means. I know I don't have all the answers. I don't know the right things to say or do, but I try. I'm also discovering as time goes on that these "cool kids" aren't so different from me. They have doubts and worries too. They're human just like me. They have a prettier exterior and/or more confidence in themselves, but really most of them struggle too.

I had another far-fetched thought last night when I should have been sleeping, but my brain wouldn't shut off. There could be someone out there who looks at me and sees a "cool kid". I don't really think that's true, but it could be I suppose.

If I could choose the way people see me I'd like for them to see someone who is kind, generous, hard-working and trying to be the best person she can be. I do know what other people think of me and how they see me is none of my business so even with my keen ability to over-think and obsess I don't spend a lot of time on how people see me.

Back to your evening. Thanks so much for reading.