Being Okay

You would think as much change as I've seen in the last two and a half years I wouldn't blink when another change comes. The truth is I have grown so much and I have so much growing yet to do.

Monday morning I had the chance to face change again. I'd like to tell you I was brave and strong and didn't bat an eye. I'd LIKE to tell you that, but the truth is something else. I listened, I told myself it would be okay and I cried. The tears weren't all selfish and just about me. The coming change wasn't an easy decision and it caused stress and worry for people I care about.As much growing as I still have to do I am capable of seeing how events impact other people.

A friend asked me if I was okay after the news. I did consider lying and saying I was, but I've known this man since I was in elementary school and I am trying to be honest about my feelings because hiding them doesn't work. Not that I can't suppress what I feel with the best of them, I absolutely can, but it doesn't help. I told him no and cried on his shoulder for a bit.

I do understand the change is for the best, that it will decrease stress and pressure for people I respect immensely. I've been asked several times if I am okay. I'd like to take a second to publicly assure the people who wonder: that I will be okay and am well on my way to okay. You gave me my start, you showed me another way of thinking and being. Now I need to show you what I learned from you and that I can soar. I will soar. That is my ultimate thank you: to move forward and pay it forward whenever I can. It wasn't a good bye, it was a small change.

I realize the opening of this blog was cryptic, but those who know me likely already know that situation I'm talking about and those who happened upon this post and are reading out of curiosity probably wouldn't care.

What I've discovered this week is that even when I am hurt and worried I am okay. I used to believe if I could not control every aspect of my life I was not safe and I was most certainly not okay. If I couldn't be in control I would retreat behind my walls and hide.

It did briefly occur to me to hide this time too, but my heart spoke up. I can usually count on my head to inform me when I'm being a weenie, but my heart was what snagged my attention this time. It wasn't smooth, as I mentioned I have  A LOT of growing up still to do. Let me see if I can recreate some of the internal dialogue for you.

Heart: Are you going to listen to reason yet or are you still sulking?

Me: I'm NOT sulking. I'm upset.

Heart: You are sulking, it's not becoming in a 44 year old woman. Stop.

Me: Fine. What?!

Heart: You do know it wasn't an easy decision, right?

Me: Yes.

Heart: You also know how much you learned from him right? Don't you want other people to have a chance to learn from him?

Me: Yes (insert annoying whiny tone)

Heart: Wouldn't you like him to see you being an adult, putting into practice the strength he showed you was inside?

Me: (stubborn silence)

Heart: You are okay. You are strong, you are smart: you aren't losing them as friends or people in your life. This is what's best for them.

Me: I guess (yes, more whining)

Heart: No guessing, you know it and you're being stubborn. Stop it.  He wants you to be okay, you know they both want that: show them their lessons and examples didn't fall on deaf ears.

So there you have it...proof positive that I'm crazy. No, not really. What you really have is proof that I have grown. As scary as the change sounded at first, I have had the maturity to stop and really think about it. It will be okay: I know that it was the best decision and it was carefully thought out

In fitness news I would like to suggest that three intense workout in less than 24 hours might not be a smart move. Last night was personal training, then a special night for Obstacle Course Race Conditioning class (OCR) and this morning at 5:30 am a Metabolic Resistance Training (MRT) class. Personal training was amazing: there were tire flips & presses. Tire flips can be used to bribe me to do anything else you ask of me. Then I was introduced to tire presses. Hello new love of my life! A tire press is lifting the tractor tire enough to kneel down, then raise and lower it. A lot like a dumbbell press, but with the same tire I'd just flipped. I hope those become a regular part of my training.

Then OCR class a half hour after I left PT. I didn't think I'd have much to give, but that half hour drive gave me a chance to catch my breath, regroup and gear up to rock another workout. I think I did a great job. I got a high five when I was done...so I did something right.

MRT this morning was not as stellar. As much as I wanted those flexed arm hangs, anything longer than 5 seconds hanging just was not happening. We had a core finisher that left me wanting to throw my dumbbell through a wall. Which tells me it was exactly what I needed to do.

So, in closing I am okay. I still have my friends and my family. There might be tears moving forward, there will be moments I want the familiar back, but I will move forward. Going back is not an option.

Thanks for reading.