Sunday, June 1, 2014

Tough Mudder New England

Tough Mudder New England 2014 is in the books. I finished and finished quicker than I thought I could. The best part of the event? Bar none the hugs. Ben, Carole, Jackie, Jen and Tara: thank you. Last year finishing Mudder was such an emotional moment I cried on a teammates shoulder for awhile. This year was no less emotional, but there were no tears. Just a feeling of enormous satisfaction that the negative, angry words that used to play non-stop in my head were largely silent. It's not a battle I've won completely yet, but those negative thoughts come so much less frequently now.

There are themes in my life I had plenty of time to reflect on Saturday while I traversed the course. Well, at least I was reflecting when I wasn't too busy watching my footing and trying not to be run over by people who have an ability I would like to develop: running down hills. They made it look almost effortless. I say almost, because I saw enough of them fall face first into the mud to think I should start with hills that are much less steep and muddy. There's also that pesky green band that says no running and no jumping.

As usual, I digress.Let me start by making a list of the things I know about myself...then let's see what other tangent I can go on.

1. I doubt myself.
All the time in nearly every situation. There are things people tell me I do well and I don't see it. I flip tires well? Thanks, but let's be honest: I don't see it. I'm a good friend? Okay, but I see the times I fail. I can complete Tough Mudder? I hoped so, but I didn't believe. Neither did I quit, so that counts for something.

2. My hindsight is 20/20.
Something horrible happened to one of my teammates yesterday. Looking at it now and looking back I can see so many other things I could have done that might have changed the course of events. So many times on the course yesterday those thoughts cropped up and tears welled. Why didn't I go over the wall first? Why didn't I get on top and help from there? Why didn't I stay until help arrived? Why? Why? Why? I could drive myself crazy with the "whys". I know this teammate though and I know she would NOT want that. She has been one of my biggest supporters and cheerleaders through this journey.

3. I'm stubborn.
If you read my blog you know last year at Tough Mudder around Mile 2 I hurt my lower back or my cranky piriformis muscles got tired of hauling my butt up and down Mount Snow and began to spasm. Whatever, the end result was it sucked This year it wasn't until Mile 6 that they fired up and let me know they were there. It hurt just as much this year, but again I found the fight deep inside to keep going. I made it four miles further without pain this year: if I can add four more miles next year I could make it to Mile 10 and maybe finish a Mudder with no back spasms.

Oh yes, there will be a Mudder #3. Call me nuts, but I've found something that gets my adrenaline pumping and I plan to complete many more. Plus, I just love the orange headbands...and now with Mudder Legion I can collect other colors as well.

4. I'm worth something.
It wasn't very long ago that I didn't believe this. I thought my only value came from being a doormat for other people. If I didn't bend over backwards to make people happy and tell everyone what they wanted to hear I was worthless. I hated myself pure and simple. You don't allow yourself to get to a weight of 309 pounds if you care at all about yourself. That part of my life is over. My happiness has to be important. I may never be anyone's idea of beautiful on the outside and I don't really care. I want to be beautiful on the inside. I want to make those around me feel good and be glad I am around.

In my dreams I will be a fitness instructor. Will I be as talented and good at it as the man who got me started and has helped me see the positives about myself that others have always seen? Maybe not, but I will be the best I can be. Someday, I want to help people take those first steps toward a new, healthier, happier life. That's my dream whether it's realistic or attainable remains to be seen, but I will work at it.

5. I'm not a fluke.
Yes, I still think that. I know some who may read this have told me straight out you don't do flukes and I'd like to tell you I believed you, but really I just thought you were being kind. I don't see the inspirational "rock star" some people see. I see whatever flaw I was looking for and some I manufacture just because I can.

Finishing this second Tough Mudder and knowing I want to do a third helped me realize that what others have seen in me is real, it is true. I may not understand what about me and my story is inspirational, but I don't have to: I just need to say thank you and keep going.

from top to bottom: 2013 orange headband, 2014 orange headband, Mudder Legion Headband and 2014 event bib.




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