Tantrum

Have you ever had a moment when you know if you don't get away from a situation immediately you are going to act like an over-tired toddler? I don’t have those moments often, but when I do I’ve learned it is far better to just leave than to try and bottle up the feelings. Tantrums are difficult enough to handle with toddlers in a forty-four year old they are just completely ridiculous.

So what exactly sparked my descent to toddlerhood today?

It could be the fact that this year will be my year to be evaluated at work. After the events of last year the LAST thing I want is to be under the microscope again. It’s probably too late to just take up hiding under my desk and I deeply regret that. Live and learn. Next year I start the year under my desk and get to work on an invisibility cloak. Maybe I’m not supposed to be invisible any longer, but I really want to be. I’m not outstanding, I’m just me. I’m not favored or gifted, nor do I want to be: I want to do the best job I can and feel satisfied with that.

The tantrum could also have something to do with three core heavy workouts and a side plank finisher this morning. On a good day when my core isn’t aching side planks are difficult. When my core is aching and side plank crunches are on the docket too it’s a wonder all I did during round two was pound the mat.

Today I faced the challenge and found myself sorely lacking. That’s not the end of the world, but this morning at 8:30 it felt like it. The hurdle jumps were hard, but I only knocked one hurdle over. The stability ball plank made my abs feel like they were on fire and it was a struggle just to keep my balance, never mind trying to move the ball. Figure 8 Bear Crawls were tough, but then the timer went off and I had to try to do them backwards. I’m sure I looked like a drunk bear, because I couldn’t get my body to understand what I needed it to do. Then the finisher… I was certainly finished. I have never skipped stretching, today I could not get out of the studio fast enough.

I left frustrated, angry and defeated. That small, quiet voice that reminds me when I’m acting like a child was silent for a time. I licked my emotional wounds, did my own stretching, showered and went to spend the day with a friend visiting and shopping. On the drive home that small, quiet voice reminded me that I HAVE made progress even if it didn’t seem so today. I managed a side plank, even a few side plank crunches. I only knocked one hurdle over one time. I was even able to hold the stability ball plank.

I am not complaining about my workouts, please don’t misunderstand. I love the work and normally I don’t mind being challenged with moves I am not as comfortable with or as good at. It can’t all be deadlifts and tire flips after all. I understand in order to grow and continue to improve I have to face those movements that don’t come as easily.

So I am pulling up my big girl panties, remembering that I am in good hands and attempting to trust that at least in my workouts there is a purpose and a plan and I will be better for it. There may be many burpees in my future at the Spartan Sprint next Sunday, but I will finish. I am easily frustrated and impatient at times, but I am not a quitter.

Thanks for reading.