Am I Enough?

I've been turning that question over in my mind a lot this week. So, yes, in plain and simple English: I've been worrying. Nothing new about that. If you've read this blog even once you know that about me. I am a champion worrier.

Why so much thought put into whether or not I am enough? This time it's not about being good enough, smart enough, strong enough or even pretty enough. This time the question is just am I enough. Yes, I've asked enough what, but nothing comes. Just that same question. Am I enough?

I kind of understand the question. I want to be 100% again. I want to sprint, jump, dead lift, squat, lunge, flip tires and do burpees. Yes, I just said I want to do burpees and I meant it. I am making modifications, I am trying my best not to feel like I'm cheating or not working as hard as other people. It's my workout, it's not about anyone else.

That sounds so selfish and awful to me to say that, but it's true. My workout is my own. I need to focus on what I can do and focus on doing it well. I shouldn't be looking across the gym at other people doing sprints or burpees and wish that was me. For one thing it screws up my timing with almost dead bugs and my arms and legs don't do what they're supposed to. In all seriousness though, it makes me feel bad, like I'm letting the instructor down, or wasting his time and mine. I don't believe for a second he looks at it that way, I've never asked, I don't intend to ask. Other people's opinion of me is absolutely none of my business.

This week I feel as if I'm moving along on the road to recovery. My knee has been sore and I can find the exact spot where the worst of the pain is centered and rubbing it seems to help. That's probably just because it feels so much better when I stop. Maybe I should go after it with a lacrosse ball...that would really feel better when it was over. If you've never pressed a lacrosse ball into a sore spot and rolled it around you should try it. It's especially effective if you need help with your cursing. You will come up with some creative combinations when that hard little ball digs in your sore spots. Or maybe that's just me...let me know if you give it a try.

I'm sure you know where I'm going with my last paragraph. I'm starting to feel better so all my brain cells have dribbled right out of my head. Well, you're almost right. I did overdo it today. Sure I modified the sprints and agility ladder to almost dead bugs and fighter crunches, but I got stubborn with the slam ball burpees for round 1 and the tiger cleans for all four rounds. The first few burpees didn't hurt, then they did. It was disappointing, but one round of burpees is progress from none. And I got to slam the 50 pound ball. Yep, it's heavy and I LOVE it. By the last round just lifting it up was a feat, but I lifted it and I took great pleasure in slamming it down. Such a satisfying thud.

I did modify the tiger cleans so really they were just squats, but sadly I'd forget not to go too low at least once per round and I'd feel it.

The final exercise in each of my rounds was "witches cauldron" which is a plank using a stability ball under your arms then you're supposed to move the ball in small circles using your core to hold a good plank. By the final round my witches cauldron was a low plank with no stability ball holding my left leg up because my knee was complaining about planks by that point. My partner thought I was impressive doing a plank with one leg up, really it was because it hurt doing a regular one.

Then the finisher, a T2 challenge. 5 speed burpees in 12 seconds and 12 seconds of jogging in place for 10 rounds. As much as I wanted to try and get a T2 challenge I had the one lone functioning brain cell to know it was a BAD idea. I decided on low planks and high planks, alternating for 10 rounds. My goal for myself, my own little challenge, to take some of the sting out of not being able to compete in the T2 challenge was not to drop to my knees more than 3 times and if I dropped to get back up before I got to 3 in my head. I might not have gotten a T2 challenge today, but I met my own challenge. That was something.

I'd tell you I was proud of myself, that I felt accomplished and good about what I did do, but you'd all know I was lying. I don't feel like I failed, I completed the workout and what I did I did well or at least to the best of my ability. By all standards of reason I should feel proud, but I'm not wired that way. My inner critic was in fine voice today and she is mean. There were tears, I was super quiet while I changed to leave. I wasn't asking for pats on the back or special treatment or assurance that I did great: I needed time and quiet to process.

I've processed the workout now. I did what I could do: that is something to be proud of. I could have stayed home drinking coffee and snuggling Abbey, but I got up, got dressed and went. I got a good workout in and I came up with my own modifications. Not that the instructor wouldn't have given me modifications, but I like to show I'm listening and thinking. Did I complete the workout exactly as written: no, but I completed the workout. That's what counts: I didn't just show up and pretend: I showed up and gave everything I had to give. THAT is absolutely something to be proud of.

I might not be anyone's idea of successful, but I am my own version of successful and I will never apologize for that.

2015 is coming and I have goals for myself already. I'll share some of them with you wonderful people who read these ramblings. I'll probably reflect on my 2014 goals too to see where I wound up.

Am I enough? I absolutely am.

Thanks for reading!