Bathing Suits

So what's your least favorite article of clothing to shop for? Mine would hand's down be bathing suits. Three years ago I wouldn't even try on suits, I would go online, find something I didn't hate too much and order it in the size I wore (size 24).

This year for the first time I tried something new. I went to Kohl's and actually picked a bunch of bathing suits to try on. I wasn't expecting much, I figured it would be like most bathing suit experiences, I'd cry when I tried on most of them and settle for the one that didn't make me want to climb to the roof of the building and jump. I was pleasantly surprised. Some of the suits made me laugh, because they just didn't fit right, but none made me cry. The last one I tried on actually made me smile. No, I did not suddenly have the perfect body but I felt good in that bathing suit even with jiggly thighs. I even stepped out of the dressing room so the friend I was shopping with could see me.

I am going to take a giant step outside of my comfort zone right now and share the bathing suit with anyone who reads or stumbles upon this post.

Do I look like a super model? Nope. Do I care? NOPE! I've worked hard in the last two and a half and I am going to feel good about that. I would love to tell you I look at this picture and see a huge change, but I'm not there in this journey yet. I know my body has changed, but I still rely on other people to see the changes for me. I KNOW my body has changed, the bathing suit is a size 14, but I don't see it. It's all right, someday I will see the changes and if I never do that's okay. There are changes.

You know me, I like comparisons so I went hunting through my photos to find an older picture of me in a swimsuit. There weren't many, I have quite a knack for being absent when cameras come out. I'm not a fan of pictures, but I did find a picture of me in a swimsuit taken in July 2011 when I was on vacation with my family in Bath, Maine. I thought I'd share it with all of you as well. Here goes nothing.

I like my hair that length. My hair dresser won't necessarily be thrilled to hear it, but I think I want to go back to longer hair. Notice I'm not saying anything negative about the picture. I have a million negative comments running through my head and I refuse to give voice to any of them.

Thanks for reading.

Being Okay

You would think as much change as I've seen in the last two and a half years I wouldn't blink when another change comes. The truth is I have grown so much and I have so much growing yet to do.

Monday morning I had the chance to face change again. I'd like to tell you I was brave and strong and didn't bat an eye. I'd LIKE to tell you that, but the truth is something else. I listened, I told myself it would be okay and I cried. The tears weren't all selfish and just about me. The coming change wasn't an easy decision and it caused stress and worry for people I care about.As much growing as I still have to do I am capable of seeing how events impact other people.

A friend asked me if I was okay after the news. I did consider lying and saying I was, but I've known this man since I was in elementary school and I am trying to be honest about my feelings because hiding them doesn't work. Not that I can't suppress what I feel with the best of them, I absolutely can, but it doesn't help. I told him no and cried on his shoulder for a bit.

I do understand the change is for the best, that it will decrease stress and pressure for people I respect immensely. I've been asked several times if I am okay. I'd like to take a second to publicly assure the people who wonder: that I will be okay and am well on my way to okay. You gave me my start, you showed me another way of thinking and being. Now I need to show you what I learned from you and that I can soar. I will soar. That is my ultimate thank you: to move forward and pay it forward whenever I can. It wasn't a good bye, it was a small change.

I realize the opening of this blog was cryptic, but those who know me likely already know that situation I'm talking about and those who happened upon this post and are reading out of curiosity probably wouldn't care.

What I've discovered this week is that even when I am hurt and worried I am okay. I used to believe if I could not control every aspect of my life I was not safe and I was most certainly not okay. If I couldn't be in control I would retreat behind my walls and hide.

It did briefly occur to me to hide this time too, but my heart spoke up. I can usually count on my head to inform me when I'm being a weenie, but my heart was what snagged my attention this time. It wasn't smooth, as I mentioned I have  A LOT of growing up still to do. Let me see if I can recreate some of the internal dialogue for you.

Heart: Are you going to listen to reason yet or are you still sulking?

Me: I'm NOT sulking. I'm upset.

Heart: You are sulking, it's not becoming in a 44 year old woman. Stop.

Me: Fine. What?!

Heart: You do know it wasn't an easy decision, right?

Me: Yes.

Heart: You also know how much you learned from him right? Don't you want other people to have a chance to learn from him?

Me: Yes (insert annoying whiny tone)

Heart: Wouldn't you like him to see you being an adult, putting into practice the strength he showed you was inside?

Me: (stubborn silence)

Heart: You are okay. You are strong, you are smart: you aren't losing them as friends or people in your life. This is what's best for them.

Me: I guess (yes, more whining)

Heart: No guessing, you know it and you're being stubborn. Stop it.  He wants you to be okay, you know they both want that: show them their lessons and examples didn't fall on deaf ears.

So there you have it...proof positive that I'm crazy. No, not really. What you really have is proof that I have grown. As scary as the change sounded at first, I have had the maturity to stop and really think about it. It will be okay: I know that it was the best decision and it was carefully thought out

In fitness news I would like to suggest that three intense workout in less than 24 hours might not be a smart move. Last night was personal training, then a special night for Obstacle Course Race Conditioning class (OCR) and this morning at 5:30 am a Metabolic Resistance Training (MRT) class. Personal training was amazing: there were tire flips & presses. Tire flips can be used to bribe me to do anything else you ask of me. Then I was introduced to tire presses. Hello new love of my life! A tire press is lifting the tractor tire enough to kneel down, then raise and lower it. A lot like a dumbbell press, but with the same tire I'd just flipped. I hope those become a regular part of my training.

Then OCR class a half hour after I left PT. I didn't think I'd have much to give, but that half hour drive gave me a chance to catch my breath, regroup and gear up to rock another workout. I think I did a great job. I got a high five when I was done...so I did something right.

MRT this morning was not as stellar. As much as I wanted those flexed arm hangs, anything longer than 5 seconds hanging just was not happening. We had a core finisher that left me wanting to throw my dumbbell through a wall. Which tells me it was exactly what I needed to do.

So, in closing I am okay. I still have my friends and my family. There might be tears moving forward, there will be moments I want the familiar back, but I will move forward. Going back is not an option.

Thanks for reading.

Tough Mudder New England

Tough Mudder New England 2014 is in the books. I finished and finished quicker than I thought I could. The best part of the event? Bar none the hugs. Ben, Carole, Jackie, Jen and Tara: thank you. Last year finishing Mudder was such an emotional moment I cried on a teammates shoulder for awhile. This year was no less emotional, but there were no tears. Just a feeling of enormous satisfaction that the negative, angry words that used to play non-stop in my head were largely silent. It's not a battle I've won completely yet, but those negative thoughts come so much less frequently now.

There are themes in my life I had plenty of time to reflect on Saturday while I traversed the course. Well, at least I was reflecting when I wasn't too busy watching my footing and trying not to be run over by people who have an ability I would like to develop: running down hills. They made it look almost effortless. I say almost, because I saw enough of them fall face first into the mud to think I should start with hills that are much less steep and muddy. There's also that pesky green band that says no running and no jumping.

As usual, I digress.Let me start by making a list of the things I know about myself...then let's see what other tangent I can go on.

1. I doubt myself.
All the time in nearly every situation. There are things people tell me I do well and I don't see it. I flip tires well? Thanks, but let's be honest: I don't see it. I'm a good friend? Okay, but I see the times I fail. I can complete Tough Mudder? I hoped so, but I didn't believe. Neither did I quit, so that counts for something.

2. My hindsight is 20/20.
Something horrible happened to one of my teammates yesterday. Looking at it now and looking back I can see so many other things I could have done that might have changed the course of events. So many times on the course yesterday those thoughts cropped up and tears welled. Why didn't I go over the wall first? Why didn't I get on top and help from there? Why didn't I stay until help arrived? Why? Why? Why? I could drive myself crazy with the "whys". I know this teammate though and I know she would NOT want that. She has been one of my biggest supporters and cheerleaders through this journey.

3. I'm stubborn.
If you read my blog you know last year at Tough Mudder around Mile 2 I hurt my lower back or my cranky piriformis muscles got tired of hauling my butt up and down Mount Snow and began to spasm. Whatever, the end result was it sucked This year it wasn't until Mile 6 that they fired up and let me know they were there. It hurt just as much this year, but again I found the fight deep inside to keep going. I made it four miles further without pain this year: if I can add four more miles next year I could make it to Mile 10 and maybe finish a Mudder with no back spasms.

Oh yes, there will be a Mudder #3. Call me nuts, but I've found something that gets my adrenaline pumping and I plan to complete many more. Plus, I just love the orange headbands...and now with Mudder Legion I can collect other colors as well.

4. I'm worth something.
It wasn't very long ago that I didn't believe this. I thought my only value came from being a doormat for other people. If I didn't bend over backwards to make people happy and tell everyone what they wanted to hear I was worthless. I hated myself pure and simple. You don't allow yourself to get to a weight of 309 pounds if you care at all about yourself. That part of my life is over. My happiness has to be important. I may never be anyone's idea of beautiful on the outside and I don't really care. I want to be beautiful on the inside. I want to make those around me feel good and be glad I am around.

In my dreams I will be a fitness instructor. Will I be as talented and good at it as the man who got me started and has helped me see the positives about myself that others have always seen? Maybe not, but I will be the best I can be. Someday, I want to help people take those first steps toward a new, healthier, happier life. That's my dream whether it's realistic or attainable remains to be seen, but I will work at it.

5. I'm not a fluke.
Yes, I still think that. I know some who may read this have told me straight out you don't do flukes and I'd like to tell you I believed you, but really I just thought you were being kind. I don't see the inspirational "rock star" some people see. I see whatever flaw I was looking for and some I manufacture just because I can.

Finishing this second Tough Mudder and knowing I want to do a third helped me realize that what others have seen in me is real, it is true. I may not understand what about me and my story is inspirational, but I don't have to: I just need to say thank you and keep going.

from top to bottom: 2013 orange headband, 2014 orange headband, Mudder Legion Headband and 2014 event bib.