Blessings

On Sunday I will be facing down another fear. I will be competing in the Spartan Sprint race. According to the Spartan site it is "4+ miles and 15+ obstacles". Did I also mention it is at another ski mountain? Killington to be exact. I keep telling myself it would be nice to complete one of these obstacle course races on a flat course. I keep saying it and I continue to sign up for races at ski mountains. Somehow I am NOT getting the message to the proper synapses. I'd like to note that I am also signing up for Tough Mudder New England 2015 at Mount Snow. I should probably just give up and embrace my love/hate relationship with mountains. Besides, it gives me something to whine about.

My goal for the Spartan Sprint is to finish the race and be an asset to my team. I am not too proud to admit I am terrified. Every time I think about what Sunday could hold I feel sick to my stomach. A wiser person than me might decide that the nausea is a sign that the Spartan Sprint is not for them at this point in time. I feel the nausea and decide I'm all in. I won't be the first to finish, but I will finish. It really is true that wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. At 44 I have accepted that age is coming, but wisdom gave up a long time ago and left. It's okay...I have more than enough stubbornness to make up for the lack of wisdom.

So why continue to do things that scare me? No, it isn't because being nauseous is an excellent way to control my weight, though it is. It also isn't just that I am a glutton for punishment, though that's true as well. The real reason I am committed to do things that are outside my comfort zone is that this is my life, my ONLY life and I am determined to live it to the fullest. I spent too many years trying to creep through life being safe. No more, I really wasn't called to be a wallflower. Yes I run the risk of looking foolish, but I would rather look foolish than live a life that is bland, blah and boring.

I have been blessed with a mile-wide stubborn streak. Just ask my mother how stubborn I am. She had to raise me after all and I'm sure there were moments she wanted to trade me in. I'm not outgoing or loud, but when I set my mind to something I dig in my heels and I don't budge until I am good and ready. I am not a quitter, even when quitting might be the wisest course of action.

I'd like to think I have a good heart to go along with that stubborn streak. I want to make things easier for people around me if it is within my capability. I can also fall into the trap of people pleasing which isn't helpful for anyone.

I titled this blog post "Blessings" and I have yet to really get to the point. Thank you if you have plowed through to this point. I'm getting to the point, slowly, but I'm getting there.

What are my blessings?

1. My family: My mom and sister believe in me. They might not understand me, but they believe I can and will do whatever I set my mind to.

2. My friends: I have had the best adventures with my friends...I am looking forward to many, many more (and Eric I am holding you to the promise to let me do my Tough Mudder 2015 Warrior Carry with you. Oh and Ben...I will push you on the prowler someday: I will make a special trip for that to happen).

3. My job: Yes, you read right. My job is a blessing. Not every second of every day, but I LOVE what I do. It is never dull, never boring and never the same from one day to the next.

4. My fitness professionals: I consider them my friends as well, but they really do deserve their own mention. They all helped me see that deep inside the part of me that wanted to slink through life keeping to the shadows and being safe, there was a fighter who wanted out. They gave me the tools to make my fitness dreams come true.

5. Abbey: How could a dog who thinks you are the best part of her world not be a blessing? No matter how I feel Abbey is always happy to see me. She encourages me to walk one more mile or play one more game of tag and sometimes she even enjoys snuggling in bed at 5 am.

6. Eeyore and Gizmo: My cats. My furry, naughty boys. Eeyore's 2 am visits because he can't go one more second with being petted and Gizmo's habit of curling himself against my hip as I drift off to sleep make me melt. Okay, sometimes Eeyore's 2 am visits make me crazy, but I love my furry boys.

I am blessed beyond measure and I could spend much longer listing everything I am grateful for. Three of my blessings would like my attention though and all of them are more than capable of pushing my laptop to the floor to get my attention if they must.

I hope you ponder your own blessings.

Thanks for reading.

Tantrum

Have you ever had a moment when you know if you don't get away from a situation immediately you are going to act like an over-tired toddler? I don’t have those moments often, but when I do I’ve learned it is far better to just leave than to try and bottle up the feelings. Tantrums are difficult enough to handle with toddlers in a forty-four year old they are just completely ridiculous.

So what exactly sparked my descent to toddlerhood today?

It could be the fact that this year will be my year to be evaluated at work. After the events of last year the LAST thing I want is to be under the microscope again. It’s probably too late to just take up hiding under my desk and I deeply regret that. Live and learn. Next year I start the year under my desk and get to work on an invisibility cloak. Maybe I’m not supposed to be invisible any longer, but I really want to be. I’m not outstanding, I’m just me. I’m not favored or gifted, nor do I want to be: I want to do the best job I can and feel satisfied with that.

The tantrum could also have something to do with three core heavy workouts and a side plank finisher this morning. On a good day when my core isn’t aching side planks are difficult. When my core is aching and side plank crunches are on the docket too it’s a wonder all I did during round two was pound the mat.

Today I faced the challenge and found myself sorely lacking. That’s not the end of the world, but this morning at 8:30 it felt like it. The hurdle jumps were hard, but I only knocked one hurdle over. The stability ball plank made my abs feel like they were on fire and it was a struggle just to keep my balance, never mind trying to move the ball. Figure 8 Bear Crawls were tough, but then the timer went off and I had to try to do them backwards. I’m sure I looked like a drunk bear, because I couldn’t get my body to understand what I needed it to do. Then the finisher… I was certainly finished. I have never skipped stretching, today I could not get out of the studio fast enough.

I left frustrated, angry and defeated. That small, quiet voice that reminds me when I’m acting like a child was silent for a time. I licked my emotional wounds, did my own stretching, showered and went to spend the day with a friend visiting and shopping. On the drive home that small, quiet voice reminded me that I HAVE made progress even if it didn’t seem so today. I managed a side plank, even a few side plank crunches. I only knocked one hurdle over one time. I was even able to hold the stability ball plank.

I am not complaining about my workouts, please don’t misunderstand. I love the work and normally I don’t mind being challenged with moves I am not as comfortable with or as good at. It can’t all be deadlifts and tire flips after all. I understand in order to grow and continue to improve I have to face those movements that don’t come as easily.

So I am pulling up my big girl panties, remembering that I am in good hands and attempting to trust that at least in my workouts there is a purpose and a plan and I will be better for it. There may be many burpees in my future at the Spartan Sprint next Sunday, but I will finish. I am easily frustrated and impatient at times, but I am not a quitter.

Thanks for reading.

How do you know when you're tough?

Bear with me while I work through some thoughts that have been swirling around in my head for five months now. I'm tired of these thoughts taking up space and maybe if I write it out I can evict them for good. So I'll write my post and hope it helps. If not or if you have some words of wisdom for me I am ALL ears!

Of all the lessons I have learned in the last three years the most important one has been to ask for help when I need it.Yes I get mired in the darkness and it feels like it will never be light again, but I hang on. When and if the time comes that my grip is slipping and I don't want to hang on I have people I can contact. That time is not now.

I'm human. Life isn't fair. People you think would NEVER betray you do so and then move on as if everything is normal. All lessons I've learned many times over. Lessons I sincerely wish would stop coming up. I got the message loud and clear, can I move on to a new lesson?

I've been thinking a lot about toughness, resilience and persistence since I read that Robin Williams committed suicide. This blog isn't about celebrities and I don't want to speculate on something I know nothing about. Suffice it to say it made me think.

What does it mean to be tough?

Am I tough if I plaster a smile on my face, slap on a mask and pretend to the world that nothing is wrong when my world has been rocked to the core?

Am I tough if I admit when I'm lost and afraid and ask for help?

Is toughness admitting the foundations of my world were shaken and I haven't quite gotten past that yet?

Am I tough if I confront the person who betrayed me and let him or her know I don't appreciate being thrown under the bus and I will never forget it?

Would I be tougher if I forgave the betrayal, took the lesson to heart and moved on with life?

How about toughness being purely physical? If I can deadlift 315 pounds, flip a 525 pound tire and complete two Tough Mudders does that make me tough?

Or is toughness some secret combination of all of the above?

Yeah, living in my head is a joy ride. I can obsess with the best of them. I don't want to obsess, I want to be "normal". Sadly, normal is a setting on my washer, not a state of being. I think I mentioned I'm human, so I'm also flawed. Some days way more flawed than others.

You know what I really want toughness to be? The ability to be invisible. An administrator once told me I had a knack for being invisible. He just never thought of me as one of his staff because I went out of my way not to stand out. At the time I found the words rude and insensitive (which they absolutely were), but the man had a point. I did go out of my way not to rock the boat, to be as average as I possibly could be and never question anything I was told to do.

Something happened to that invisibility about three years ago. I lost interest in being average. I don't know that I would call myself outstanding in any way, shape or form, but I've heard the term used in reference to my ability to do my job. I disagree with that statement, but that's a whole other rant...maybe next time. I am doing my job to the best of my ability, really there is nothing outstanding in that.

So I guess I'm not destined to be invisible anymore. If I can't be invisible I want to be tough. I want to be able to get knocked down and climb back to my feet and keep going. I don't want to get to a place in my life that I can't fathom the idea of one more day. I don't want to wallow in the darkness so long it sucks the joy out of life. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt as the saying goes.

How am I going to define toughness for myself? I suppose to me being tough means I take the lesson, forgive the pain and move forward. I can't change the past no matter how long I obsess on it: it's done, it's over. I can only change my attitude and perspective and realize that there is so much more to me and my life than that pain.

I say this now...I intend to live it, but come 3 am tomorrow morning I bet I'm right back to obsessing.

There...rant ended. Maybe in my next post I'll have more to report on box jumps. I did discover last Saturday morning that I might be able to think about a box jump, but put a tire in front of me and I'm right back at square one. In my defense, there was a big hole in the middle of that tire and there were 2 other people trying to do push ups on it. Given my uneasy truce with gravity I saw great potential for disaster and injuries to innocent people if I tried a tire jump. Besides: tractor tires are for flipping, not jumping on.

Thanks for reading.