Pride

I don't often brag about anything I've done. More often I'll be the one pointing out my faults, but last night and this morning I did things I am REALLY proud of, so forgive me while I gush a little.

1. Rope Climbs
I am working hard on rope climbs. I should have known something was up when Tyler asked me how I felt about heights about 10 minutes into personal training. Other than one weird moment during OCR class at the Lyndon Town School playground when I got to the top of the child sized climbing wall and couldn't get myself to go over and come down I've never had a problem with heights. Heights with muddy water pits at the bottom are another story and I'm not going there. One fear at a time...

Excuse the tangent, I'm back now. I finished some lat pull downs with the functional trainer and noticed Tyler had the ladder out and it was set up near the climbing rope. Oh, so that's what he meant about heights. I was the only one there...no way was I going to be able sneak out unnoticed. So I pulled up my big girl pants and discovered I'd be working on my rappelling (Yippee??). Tyler demonstrated and then it was my turn. The first time I climbed 3 rungs, grabbed the rope, stepped off the ladder and did a rope hang for a few seconds before I rappelled down. Then he let me play with the prowler and I was hooked. Give me a circuit involving heavy pushing, pulling or lifting and you've guaranteed I'll do whatever else you ask me without complaint.

My next rotation at the rope I climbed to the 4th rung and did a rope hang for about 10 seconds before rappelling down. Third round was a 15 second rope hang from the fifth rung and down I went. Next I went up 6 rungs and I was higher up than I had ever been. Tyler told me to open my eyes, look around and get used to the view from up there. I hung there swinging around with my eyes closed for a few seconds before I followed directions and looked around. The last round was from the 6th rung again and Tyler wanted me to try to go up the rope after I'd been hanging for about 15 seconds. The will was there, but my mind refused. That's okay: I know I will do, I know I can do it.

2. Box Jumps
In August I wrote a post about facing my fear of box jumps. This morning, during the Survivor Series workout I had the opportunity to prove to myself that I've conquered that fear. I completed 50 box jumps. Yes, it was the tiny box, but I did 50 after completing 50 burpees, 50 goblet squats, 50 TRX rows, 50 push ups, 50 kettle bell swings and 50 banded reverse lunges. Then I tackled my box jumps. My form was good and my landings were pretty soft. I considered trying the next box up, but decided it was more important to me to do 50 good jumps than to push how high I was jumping, I got my 50 box jumps in and I was thrilled. No fear  or doubt, just determination and the knowledge I could do it.

So there you have it...I gushed about my accomplishments. I am often proud of myself, but I prefer to keep that to myself. I don't feel the need to draw attention to myself very often. I do what I do, I don't see it as exceptional or all that amazing. I don't want or need to make everything all about me.

To be honest, I can't imagine anything in life more boring than me talking about me. Yes, I do keep this blog, I do write about me, but in my life and my interactions with people I prefer to be the listener: I want people to feel comfortable talking to me. I don't need to hear my own voice, I know what it sounds like and for many hours of the day Monday through Friday I hear it. If I have something to say I'll make sure I say it, but by and large I prefer to let others do the talking. I'll do the listening.

Maybe I don't feel the need to talk because I believe strongly that actions speak louder than words. I could talk about making a difference or I could put my head down, focus and actually make a difference. I'm trying to do that now. I'm not wasting one second of the rest of my life buying stuff in an attempt to feel better. I'd rather put that money to better use. That's the path I've chosen on my journey, I'm not saying everyone has to do it. I'm not looking for pats on the back or anything. I am doing what feels right for me.

Thanks for reading...

Dreams

I am nearing the end of year 3 of this journey and there was a time in the early Fall I was sure the journey was over. We could get into why I felt that way, but digging up the past doesn't do any good. I'll leave it at I learned a lesson and I'm stronger for it. Onward and upward.

In preparation for looking at the goals I set for 2014 to see which ones I met and which still need work I've been thinking of my dreams old and new. Some I have been clinging to because they are what I wanted at one time, even if they don't quite fit anymore.

I remember thinking about my wedding while I was growing up, trying to imagine the kind of man I would marry and all the rest of the fairy tale I was convinced I wanted. I'm not knocking marriage at all. I have a great deal of respect for marriage and for people who make it work. I don't think I'm one of the people who could make a marriage work and I'm discovering that's okay and I am okay with it.

I found a quote the other day that I really liked. I posted it on my facebook page and I will post it here too. "Being with no one is better than being with the wrong one. Sometimes, those who fly solo have the strongest wings." If I am supposed to be single then that is how it should be and no amount of fussing or fixing on my part will change it.

So what does talking about being single have to do with my fitness journey? It's all about acceptance. My journey is just that: MY JOURNEY. No one else can take it for me. No one else can be in charge of it. No one else is going to have exactly the same journey. Even if a friend and I start in exactly the same place at the same time we are not going to necessarily reach the end at the same time. We might not even have the same "end" in mind.

Do I want my journey to speed up? Oh hells to the yes! I want to be thin, even though if I were I'm not sure I would see myself that way. I want to be fit so I can compete in any event I wish and know at the start I can finish it and be proud of what I did. I want to be a "cool kid", not the socially awkward observer. I want to perform each work out so well that I earn a fist bump.

I'm a contradiction though. For all the recognition I want, I want anonymity just as much. I want to do something that makes people ask me if I'm crazy or look at me with that disbelieving smile that says clearer than words that they really don't understand me and think I might truly be crazy.

I have had more recognition than I am remotely comfortable with and the one thing I still want to do and have every intention of doing is not for the recognition. I don't want a pat on the back or anything at all. With the extraordinary opportunities I have been given I want to pay it forward. I can't solve the world's problems, but I can make a difference in my own way.

There's enough meanness in the world, maybe one of my jobs here is to combat some of that with kindness. I might be socially awkward and quiet, but don't underestimate me. There is more inside than can be seen on the surface.

I should probably include a public service announcement with this. Something like: I am nice, I am kind, but if you choose to treat me as your doormat or your personal punching bag I will take notice. I am not weak, I am not here to be treated shabbily. Be that way if you feel you must, but know that I will not tolerate it. I will walk away even if it hurts me. I'd rather hurt for a little while than suffer endlessly. I'm not heartless, but I am learning my own worth.

So...the downward spiral is over and I'm crawling my way back up the hill. I'm trying to kill every workout. I'm practicing moves that are tough for me on my own, I'm doing my stretches and foam rolling, I'm walking into every work out with a positive outlook. I'm giving what I have to give and trying to remember my performance can't be compared to anyone else's nor should it be. It's not always easy to remember, but I'm working on it.

Thanks for reading my ramblings!