Sunday, December 28, 2014

Perseverance

I had plans to make this post about how I did with the goals I set for 2014. Instead every time I thought about what I wanted to say my mind strayed to the idea of persevering. Part of that is probably a very natural desire not to face up to the goals I didn't meet since no one likes to remind themselves of failure. I learned something from all my experiences that's important too, but I'm not quite ready to write that goal post yet.

What do I want to write? I'd like to write a post telling you that persevering isn't hard. It's easy to keep going and keep fighting when you don't see the results. Sure it is, if you believe a word of that last statement you and I need to talk about a bridge I have for sale. It's in Brooklyn. To be honest, which I'm going to be as much as it pains me, persevering is hard. More honesty: some days I don't persevere, some days I give in to the lure of food that isn't going to do a thing to further my goals or make me feel good.

Yep, I eat junk. Not all the time every day, but more often than I should. No, I don't really consider anything off limits, but there are definitely foods I try to limit and avoid. Let me clue you in on something: I didn't get to 309 pounds at my heaviest eating carrots and celery sticks. Shocking, right?

I'm also a glutton for punishment. I purposely walk down the aisle in the grocery store full of things that aren't going to help me reach my goals. Yes, the dreaded candy aisle. Sometimes I even stop and stand in front my favorite candy and look at it, more often than not I pick up the bag. Then I flip the bag over and look at the nutrition information or the lack of nutrition information. Then I get disgusted with myself and I put the bag back down and walk away. Except sometimes I don't do that, some times I say "screw it" and put the bag into the basket.

The point of this confession is that I am NOT perfect. I don't paint myself as perfect. I don't trumpet far and wide how wonderful I am and how I eat perfectly. No sense lying about it. Much of the time I do a good job keeping myself in line and eating healthy foods. There are times I turn down desserts or walk right by the candy or cookies and don't have any desire to have those things. The point is, there are the other times, the times I feel I've failed or screwed up or am just in a foul mood and decide to compound that by eating junk. It makes NO sense: I know that and yet it happens.

Despite setbacks, I keep persevering with eating healthy foods. When I fall off the wagon and get run over by it I make it a point to stand up, dust myself off and get back to what I know I need to do. The fitness part of the equation has always been somewhat easier for me.

I like to workout, especially in a group. On my own I'm not as good, but put me in a group and I'm going to push myself hard. I might not always succeed, but I'm going to try. Persevering through exercises I don't enjoy (most core work) to get to a prowler push, tire flip or box jump isn't easy, but it's doable.

In the back of my mind, when I started this journey in January 2012 I assumed I'd be at my destination by now. Now with 2015 fast approaching I know I'm not "done". I don't think I'll ever be done. This isn't a trip with an end destination, this is a journey, I'm wandering along sometimes using my map, sometimes making it up as I take a step. There have been wonderful times like meeting people who have helped me build a solid foundation of support. There have also been those other times, the times you want to bury your head in the sand and hope the world will go away. It's a journey, it's not easy it's not always fun, but it is an adventure and I'm not willing to stop where I am and say it's good right here. I believe there could be something even better up ahead, something that will help me be the person I really am, the one I was intended to be from the beginning.

Thanks for reading!

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Am I Enough?

I've been turning that question over in my mind a lot this week. So, yes, in plain and simple English: I've been worrying. Nothing new about that. If you've read this blog even once you know that about me. I am a champion worrier.

Why so much thought put into whether or not I am enough? This time it's not about being good enough, smart enough, strong enough or even pretty enough. This time the question is just am I enough. Yes, I've asked enough what, but nothing comes. Just that same question. Am I enough?

I kind of understand the question. I want to be 100% again. I want to sprint, jump, dead lift, squat, lunge, flip tires and do burpees. Yes, I just said I want to do burpees and I meant it. I am making modifications, I am trying my best not to feel like I'm cheating or not working as hard as other people. It's my workout, it's not about anyone else.

That sounds so selfish and awful to me to say that, but it's true. My workout is my own. I need to focus on what I can do and focus on doing it well. I shouldn't be looking across the gym at other people doing sprints or burpees and wish that was me. For one thing it screws up my timing with almost dead bugs and my arms and legs don't do what they're supposed to. In all seriousness though, it makes me feel bad, like I'm letting the instructor down, or wasting his time and mine. I don't believe for a second he looks at it that way, I've never asked, I don't intend to ask. Other people's opinion of me is absolutely none of my business.

This week I feel as if I'm moving along on the road to recovery. My knee has been sore and I can find the exact spot where the worst of the pain is centered and rubbing it seems to help. That's probably just because it feels so much better when I stop. Maybe I should go after it with a lacrosse ball...that would really feel better when it was over. If you've never pressed a lacrosse ball into a sore spot and rolled it around you should try it. It's especially effective if you need help with your cursing. You will come up with some creative combinations when that hard little ball digs in your sore spots. Or maybe that's just me...let me know if you give it a try.

I'm sure you know where I'm going with my last paragraph. I'm starting to feel better so all my brain cells have dribbled right out of my head. Well, you're almost right. I did overdo it today. Sure I modified the sprints and agility ladder to almost dead bugs and fighter crunches, but I got stubborn with the slam ball burpees for round 1 and the tiger cleans for all four rounds. The first few burpees didn't hurt, then they did. It was disappointing, but one round of burpees is progress from none. And I got to slam the 50 pound ball. Yep, it's heavy and I LOVE it. By the last round just lifting it up was a feat, but I lifted it and I took great pleasure in slamming it down. Such a satisfying thud.

I did modify the tiger cleans so really they were just squats, but sadly I'd forget not to go too low at least once per round and I'd feel it.

The final exercise in each of my rounds was "witches cauldron" which is a plank using a stability ball under your arms then you're supposed to move the ball in small circles using your core to hold a good plank. By the final round my witches cauldron was a low plank with no stability ball holding my left leg up because my knee was complaining about planks by that point. My partner thought I was impressive doing a plank with one leg up, really it was because it hurt doing a regular one.

Then the finisher, a T2 challenge. 5 speed burpees in 12 seconds and 12 seconds of jogging in place for 10 rounds. As much as I wanted to try and get a T2 challenge I had the one lone functioning brain cell to know it was a BAD idea. I decided on low planks and high planks, alternating for 10 rounds. My goal for myself, my own little challenge, to take some of the sting out of not being able to compete in the T2 challenge was not to drop to my knees more than 3 times and if I dropped to get back up before I got to 3 in my head. I might not have gotten a T2 challenge today, but I met my own challenge. That was something.

I'd tell you I was proud of myself, that I felt accomplished and good about what I did do, but you'd all know I was lying. I don't feel like I failed, I completed the workout and what I did I did well or at least to the best of my ability. By all standards of reason I should feel proud, but I'm not wired that way. My inner critic was in fine voice today and she is mean. There were tears, I was super quiet while I changed to leave. I wasn't asking for pats on the back or special treatment or assurance that I did great: I needed time and quiet to process.

I've processed the workout now. I did what I could do: that is something to be proud of. I could have stayed home drinking coffee and snuggling Abbey, but I got up, got dressed and went. I got a good workout in and I came up with my own modifications. Not that the instructor wouldn't have given me modifications, but I like to show I'm listening and thinking. Did I complete the workout exactly as written: no, but I completed the workout. That's what counts: I didn't just show up and pretend: I showed up and gave everything I had to give. THAT is absolutely something to be proud of.

I might not be anyone's idea of successful, but I am my own version of successful and I will never apologize for that.

2015 is coming and I have goals for myself already. I'll share some of them with you wonderful people who read these ramblings. I'll probably reflect on my 2014 goals too to see where I wound up.

Am I enough? I absolutely am.

Thanks for reading!

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Recharge or Retreat?

I have decided I don't like being injured. No one likes being injured. I don't think I'm so special that I should whine nonstop about what amounts to a minor injury that is an inconvenience.

I would so dearly love to be able to tell you this journey is always easy. I'd like to be inspirational and upbeat and make you smile and laugh. Maybe I should only write when everything is sunshine and roses. That is not the reality though. I would not trade a step of this journey, the highs or the lows, but I would be a liar if I said it was always wonderful.

A bruised meniscus is minor, but I'll be the first to say it is NOT feeling so minor tonight. There was a part of me earlier this week that wished I'd stayed quiet and just continued on with my workouts like nothing was sore. This morning I was glad I'd said something. Despite the fact I am being careful and modifying when I need to my minor injury felt anything but minor this morning. I hurt pure and simple, but I was not going to skip my Saturday morning class.

Oh, I could have skipped class, might have even been wiser to do so, but I don't want to workout just when it's convenient for me. It's not going to hurt me one bit to focus more on upper body and core strength while I work with my instructor to rehab my knee and make it less likely this will happen again. I have a lot of upper body strength, if I might brag for a just moment, but I can always develop more. When the knee is better I'd like to think I could make it back on the deadlift board. My PR for a deadlift is 315 pounds. I'd like to go for 325 pounds. Not because any aspect of my life requires that I be able to be able to lift that much. The truth is I really love lifting heavy. There's also that 525 pound tire. I flipped it twice at the end of July. I want to flip it many more times and then go find a heavier tire to play with.

My attitude this morning during the workout was "grit your teeth and DO IT". I don't think I shined in any way shape or form, but there were no random gravity checks and for that I am grateful. The drive home I did what I normally do and replayed the workout, figuring out what I did well and what I could have improved on. If nothing else, by the time I am off the disabled list I hope I'll have my arm and leg movement coordinated for "almost dead bugs". Maybe I'll even have mastered hang tucks that are more tuck than hang. Possibly I'll have completed a rope climb. I can always dream.

When I started writing I was afraid I'd do nothing but whine, at which point I'd keep this post private. I am honest in my blog, but I don't want to whine. There's nothing for me to whine about. I made the choice to start on this journey, no one forced me. Many people have offered their time and provided the tools I would need to succeed if I chose to accept the challenge, but there was no one holding a gun to my head saying "do this or else".

I accepted the challenge to make my life my own. No one said it would be easy and when the bumps and obstacles come it is up to me to pull myself up and move forward. Of course I have support and I do lean on people when I need to, but to go along with my stubborn streak I have an independent streak. It's not that I don't appreciate the support, I absolutely do. I just don't want people to get tired of me, so I often stand on my own when a wiser person would ask for help.

My fitness highlight this week was in Buddy Training. I did single arm rows on the functional trainer with the entire weight stack. There was also my favorite song during the core finisher. Just what I needed at the moment to keep me trying to hold that TRX plank. Thanks Tyler, really. "Stronger" is my own personal anthem and hearing it re-energizes me.

I'll end with a photo taken several weeks ago by Tyler Tinker during a training session at Pride Fitness Performance. When I first saw it I looked for all the faults at first, oh for the day when focusing on the faults won't be my first reaction. Now when I look at it it makes me smile: that is one strong woman in the photo. Someone I am proud to be. There isn't any retreat in her face. Recharge maybe, but no retreat.



Thanks for reading!

Monday, December 8, 2014

Reflecting

The end of 2014 is approaching fast. With the Christmas decorating done I'm sitting back with an ice pack on my knee and some hot chai tea to enjoy the Christmas tree and think about the year that is winding down.

I'm an introvert, no big surprise to anyone who knows me. It's not that I don't like people, it's not that I'm a snob and it's certainly not that I have nothing to say. I do prefer to listen, I figure if you actually seek me out to talk to me I should at least be a good listener to make up for my lack of sparkling conversational skills. If I'm quiet don't assume I'm bored or thinking my own thoughts, I'm really listening and if I have something to say I will say it.

So why start reflecting now? I am a procrastinator after all, so shouldn't I be doing this on December 31 while I decide if I want to stay up to welcome 2015 in?

In truth I'm in a reflective mood anyway and might as well take advantage of it. Plus there is a brindle boxer draped over my legs and if anyone thinks I'm waking that sleeping dog they obviously don't know me well. There is a strong possibility that my dog is completely spoiled. Plus, my mother always taught me to let sleeping dogs lie. There's definitely a sleeping dog snoring across my legs so I'll write until she rolls over and falls off at which time I'll be laughing too hard to write anything.

2014 was amazing. I learned that change doesn't mean the end, it means the beginning of a new adventure. I learned that just because a person's role in my life might change, doesn't mean I am losing them as an important support person. I learned that the amount of ridiculousness I can bear up under is considerable.

Most importantly, I learned that just because I've thoroughly planned something doesn't mean it will go as I think it should: I'm strong and I'm stubborn, but even my will isn't that strong. Life happens people, face it. You can obsessively plan every last detail in your life and fall apart when your plans get changed without warning, or you can plan, prepare and embrace the uncertainty. I'm not saying I love uncertainty or that I'm anything approaching spontaneous in my life, but there are occasions when I can go with the flow without whining, kicking and screaming.

So in the spirit of reflecting I would like to list the things that I accomplished in 2014. Some of these accomplishments make me proud. Some make me glad they are over.

1. I completed my second Tough Mudder at Mount Snow. Seriously, I NEED therapy. Instead of signing up for one that isn't on a ski mountain I'm signed up for my third go-round at Mount Snow. Bring on 2015.

2. I attempted a Spartan Sprint. Yes, attempted is the proper verb. It was not a stellar experience, but it WAS a learning experience. I learned a great many things that day...

3. I discovered box jumps. Sadly with the bruised meniscus I am temporarily sidelined from box jumps, but I can't wait to get back to them. I know I'll be trying them the next time they show up in a workout and if they don't hurt I'll be a jumping fool...or is that just "a fool"?

4. Rope climbs. Okay, so as of the moment I am writing this I have not actually completed a rope climb. I have climbed a ladder to the sixth rung, hung onto the rope like a monkey and then tried to go down with something resembling control and a minimum of cursing. The climb part is coming...I can feel it and I welcome it.

5. I opened up to change. Okay, so that was mostly brought about by necessity, but I could have stuck steadfastly to my comfort zone and routine, albeit in a new location. I gave the change a chance and I am happy. I was happy before, please don't misunderstand, but change doesn't always have to be negative. If you are open to something new change can be just what is needed.

6. I discovered I do what I do because I truly love it. I thought for awhile that I exercised only out of habit, that I didn't really enjoy it. Then there was a time that it was only habit that led me to complete my workouts and I missed the feeling of accomplishment when I finished. I truly love what I do. It has made me a stronger, better person overall. I don't take for granted one second of time that the fitness professionals I know have invested in me.

I have plans to make 2015 even more amazing than 2014. Some of them  involve events I will participate in. One is a plan to pay it forward in what I hope will be a meaningful way. Another means I will continue to learn, grow and evolve into the person I want to be. I will become more athletic, stronger, fitter and above all a kinder, more humble person. I will become the person I am meant to be.

I do hope you will join me. I am sure it will be a journey to remember.

As always, thanks for reading!  

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Committed

I am sure that at some point in every journey there comes a time you have to decide whether continuing is what you want. Actually I know that's true for me. Whenever I make a decision to do something important I reach a point when I am not sure I want to go on.

When I returned to college at 25 and put myself through Lyndon State to earn my teaching degree in Special Education. Then again in 2010 when I decided I wanted a Master's degree and chose The Vermont Mathematics Initiative. During each of those experiences I reached a crossroads and had to decide if I wanted to continue. I have been teaching for 15 years and I earned my Master's Degree in 2013. I am not a quitter, I never have been. I might go down, but I won't stay down.

I reached the place this year in my journey where I faced the crossroad. I was on a steep downward spiral and I honestly didn't care if I stopped or hit rock bottom. I got kicked down repeatedly during the spring, summer and fall. I'd get up after a blow and another would come. At times it truly seemed like I was supposed to just stay down so I did. I crawled into a hole, pulled a rock on top of me and closed out the world. I decided I wasn't taking any more chances, no more letting people in and I was done trying anything new. I kept working out, but there was no joy in it at all. I didn't care if I did well, I didn't care if I failed: I did it because it was a habit and it was what was expected of me. If nothing else I do what is expected.

It wasn't just one thing that turned the downward spiral around. There were many things, not the least of which was a conversation during buddy training one evening. It was a quarterly check-in to see how I was doing and what I liked and didn't about my program. I heard myself during that talk and I hated what I heard. I heard a whiner. I'm not a whiner, but you'd never know it from what I said that night.

I left buddy training disgusted and angry and determined to change things. If the only reason I was showing up at the studio was because it was a habit then I was doing myself and everyone there a disservice. My instructor deserved better than that. He puts his heart and soul into everything he does: if I was there only because it was habit then I decided I wasn't going back.

As you might have guessed I found my motivation. I am wiser, a little sadder, much more guarded and closed and more determined than ever. This isn't just a side trip: this is MY LIFE. I've said it before, so I won't harp on it.

At the moment I am nursing a bruised meniscus in my left knee. I had noticed my knee was a bit sore, but didn't think much of it. During my semi-annual physical on Friday I mentioned it to my doctor. She did some poking and prodding and I tried to slide off the table a couple of times. She asked if the knee locked up or gave out on me. Nope. She said her best diagnosis was I had bruised my meniscus and I needed to give running and jumping a rest for awhile.

So I am mostly following doctor's orders. I did do three broad jumps during the warm-up this morning, but that was all. I don't want to be dumb and wind up sidelined. I'd rather take it easy on my knee for the moment.

I was worried for about half a second my workouts wouldn't be as intense if I didn't run or jump. Let me assure you: I am getting excellent workouts that leave me winded and ready to crawl back into bed. Okay, so there have only been two workouts this week, but I'm still feeling those lateral lunges from Monday and the Barbell Kneeling Landmines from this morning.

Allow me one small tangent to report that I have FINALLY figured out how to do a lateral lunge properly. My first attempts were amusing and there was a lot of coaching involved to get me to a point where I could do one the first time I tried.

My high point so far this week was prowler pushes this morning. I love them anyway, but when Tyler stands on the prowler and says "Take me for a ride" I want to run. One of these days I will surprise him and run. Mostly because that means he'll up the weight for the next round. So far the most weight I have pushed with the prowler is 732 pounds. I'm going to smash that record at some point.

It's only Wednesday and I have buddy training and Saturday Morning Sweat still to come, so I'll be ending this now. I'm sure I will have more to say before the week is over.

I am committed to my health, committed to this journey and excited to see where the path leads next. Bring it on! I'm not perfect, I am for sure not graceful: but I'm strong. Much stronger than some people give me credit for. I might not accomplish things some consider worthwhile, but if I've learned one thing on my journey it's that I am NOT the center of the universe and thinking I am will only make me and everyone around me miserable.

Thanks for reading!