Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Here we go Again

Wow, almost two posts in one week. It must be a record or something. Possibly it's just that I'm processing through some garbage and I decided instead of being polite and just processing on my own, I'd take to my blog so anyone out there who thinks I'm still somewhere in the vicinity of normal will learn that's simply not true. Normal is a setting on my washer: I'm a bundle of quirks and craziness. Lucky you. Just so you know, it is not too late to close this page and go on with your evening.

So what exactly is running through my mind right now? How much time to you have? Seriously, this could be a long one, unless I decide to keep the crazy to a minimum and spare you the worst of it. Well, the truth is, if you're still reading at this point you have likely read my ramblings before and you know it's unlikely I'm sparing anyone anything.

I've noticed something about myself, many, many times. I was reminded of it last Saturday morning following my less than graceful attempt to perform a forward roll. I didn't mention it then because 1. I was still processing it. 2. I am nothing if I am not a people pleaser and I don't want anyone to think their advice or help has been taken the wrong way.

The truth is that many times, when someone corrects me what I hear is "You aren't good enough". I know that is not the intended message and I WANT to be corrected so I can get better. Sometimes I actually take the correction as the help it was intended to be, but if I am down or hurting or anything less than one hundred percent no matter how kind your words are or how true and well-meaning I'm going to hear "You aren't good enough".

Does this mean you should never correct me? NO!! The people in my life whom I trust the most offer correction and suggestions. Sometimes I might take it the wrong way, but I KNOW that's my problem. It is my issue and I am aware of it so there is no need to walk on eggshells. I'm a big girl, I'm a strong girl and I won't break. I might cry, I might get silent and say nothing or I might get angry, but it will pass. Beneath it all I am an adult and I understand that people don't take the time to correct or talk to someone they care nothing about.

That wasn't so painful...I don't think it's any secret I don't think I'm worth much of anything. I hope there are some things I do well, and there are times I believe there are things I do well.

Before I go further, I'd like to assure you that I am not looking for sympathy. I'm working through thoughts and ideas and you, you brave soul, happened to stumble into it. Breathe deep and know this too shall pass.

I've explored this next thought before. Usually I keep it to myself, because to me it smacks of begging for attention. What the hell though, as long as I'm being honest I might as well let all the crazy spill out, maybe it can flush out the mean girl who lives in the dark corners of my mind. She's been quite vocal lately.

I'm a fat girl. My body might look different now, but that mentality is still there. No matter what I do I feel like I should be better. I look around at my life now and wonder when it will end...when everyone is going to see what an impostor I am and tell me to hit the road. I will be quiet when I want to speak up and smile when I want to cry just to avoid making waves.

I want the fat girl to ask for what she wants, demand what she deserves and understand that she is worthy and worthwhile. I want her to believe, as a dear friend recently suggested, that I AM one of the "cool kids" now. I want to enjoy the amazing fun times without worrying they will end.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep working out, working on my nutrition and doing my best to take two steps forward for the inevitable steps back. At the moment I'm listening to my body and trying not to push my left shoulder too hard. It feels so much better than it did on Saturday, but it's not 100%.

Tonight during Muscle Hour when I wanted to ignore it and practice my barbell hang cleans I did the adult thing, admitted the pain and did what I could. So, do I feel good and wise for listening to my body? Nope, not a bit...I feel like a fraud. One step at a time, I'll listen to my body, but I am in NO way going to like it.

That's enough for one evening. Time for some Boxer snuggles and sleep.

Thanks for reading!

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