Be What You Are

I first encountered this phrase on a mini bumper sticker I had to buy. I don't know why at that moment in time it was so important to me to have it, but it was. It was before I started this journey, but I wonder if that was the day I finally decided it was time to live life and stop hiding.

For a long time that phrase bothered me. I always felt it should say "Be Who You Are". I've been pondering it a lot this week and I think it said exactly the right thing. That little rectangle of black with white lettering has taken up a great deal of space in my thoughts so it's time for me to dump all of the thoughts here and hope I make sense.

What am I?

I'm not sure that answer is much different than describing who I am. I am a daughter, friend, sister, aunt, teacher, pet mama, Tough Mudder, student and a dozen other things that escape me at the moment. What if the answer to the question goes deeper than that?

What am I beneath the surface labels?

I am an introvert. I like people, I have friends, but I am never truly comfortable in big groups. I prefer small groups of people I know well who understand and accept I won't be the nonstop talker. I admire people who are outgoing and draw energy from those around them, but that is not who I am. I can start and carry on conversations, but I truly prefer to listen. Or write. Sit me down with paper or in front of a computer and the words pour out. What I lack in conversational skills I make up for in my writing ability. Apparently I have a well-developed ego too.

I am determined. I did the college right after high school thing and discovered it wasn't for me, so I left and went to work. I worked at a number of different retail jobs before I decided that was NOT going to be the rest of my life. There is nothing wrong with that work, but I was not good at it. I didn't believe the customer was always right and I was not a good enough actress to pretend I did. I became a paraprofessional working with a multiply handicapped student. It was the hardest, and at times, the most frustrating thing I had ever done and I loved it. I went back to college and put myself through the elementary education/special education program at Lyndon State College. My heart is in special education and since my graduation I have been a special educator.

I am cautious. I'm not a fan of putting myself in situations I can't plan from start to finish. Quite the statement from a person who has signed up for her third Tough Mudder. I still remember how I felt after my first one. I was exhausted, sore, crying on the shoulder of anyone who would stand still long enough and under it all I knew I was doing another one. Who knew someone who likes plans and consistency could be an adrenaline junkie too?

I am definitely judgmental. Especially with myself. I want perfection. I can say it's about progress, not perfection and I absolutely mean it for other people, but I don't apply that to myself. If I can't do something as well as I think I should I am deeply disappointed. I'm getting better. I have accepted that the person others see when they look at me is never the person I am going to see and it's okay. I'd like to see the woman others see, but I'm content that I can look at the person in the mirror and not cringe.

I am a work in progress. Sometimes I'm just a hot mess, but usually I am a work in progress. Two steps forward and one step back, but still a work in progress.

I forgive hurts. It takes time, sometimes a long time, but everyone deserves forgiveness, yes EVERYONE. Forgiving someone doesn't mean forgetting the hurt, in some cases forgetting would be impossible. Forgiving to me means I am taking control, I am deciding the situation or that moment in time no longer defines who I am or what I am. It will forever be part of my history, but it is NOT part of my future or my present.

I am strong, physically and emotionally. Did you know strong people sometimes cry? Did you know when you cry and other people see you the world doesn't end? I KNOW-right? Okay, so maybe that wasn't a revelation to anyone else, but it's been a game changer for me. Not that I burst into tears at the drop of a hat, but there have been a few times recently when the tears have come and I haven't bolted...oddly enough the people around me when the tears came didn't bolt either. Don't worry, I am not going to become one of those people who cries at everything and tries to use tears to manipulate. My stepfather used to tell me that tears washed away negative feelings and stress. I admit I thought he was nuts, but he did have a point.

What I am most of all is a woman on a journey. There are peaks and valleys, sometimes in the same day. There are days I'm sure I lost the map and times I know there isn't a map at all and I'm making this up as I go. Whatever the case may be I am surrounded by amazing, inspiring, strong people.

Thanks for reading!