Another Saturday and I'm posting another thought that's been interrupting my sleep all week. You would think as much thinking as I need to do during my work day and as many workouts as I put in I'd sleep like a baby. HA! I sleep like a woman sharing a bed with a boxer bedhog and 2 feline bedhogs. Which really means I am often woken up by one or another of my furry menaces trying to push me out of their way. Did I mention the Boxer snores? She does, loudly. If you're thinking that I could refuse to let them sleep with me you'd be right, I could do that. The fact is I won't because I am a hopeless sucker for my animals.
There I go, off on another tangent. I suppose the silver lining to three bedhogs in my bed is I have lots of time to ponder thoughts that I wouldn't have time for during the day. So that brings us to this week's thought: Am I running away from something or running to something?
As recently as a month ago I would have told you I was running away. I was running away from being the "fat girl" and running away from things that made me uncomfortable or afraid. Great things were happening while I was running away, I'm not complaining. I was getting more fit and healthier and bit by tiny bit I was changing my mindset. The past is long over and done, I can't change it, end of story. No matter how many pounds or inches I lose history won't change.
Things changed this week. No there was not a moment when I had some huge breakthrough and everything became clear to me. This isn't Hollywood and my life isn't a movie. Good thing too, I'd fire my hair person...the mop is totally out of control most days. There may not have been some huge lightning strike with angels singing, but as the week progressed and I looked back and reflected on the things I had done I saw a difference. More importantly I felt different.
Monday I spoke with a friend and made plans to return "home" for a workout. Up until that moment I wanted to go back to Fortitude Fitness Systems and train under Ben, but I didn't. All I could remember were OCR classes when I would drive home crying because I still felt like I'd lost something. Monday I realized that simply wasn't true, I didn't lose a thing I gained another man I can trust completely. I won. So I made the plans and I felt like a kid waiting for Christmas all week long. More on that in a bit.
Wednesday during Muscle Hour we were working on BB snatches. We started with the PVC pipes and when I tried one my shoulder hurt. Not the left one I tried to crush tumbling, but the right one. I thought about ignoring it and just muscling through, but I've been spoken to about that and I was honest: it hurt. So while I watched other people practice with the barbells I did overhead squats. Overhead squats are a weakness and I could have been whiny and done a few then sulked, but I didn't. When you're 44 it's seriously unbecoming to act like a two-year old who didn't get her way. I practiced those squats over and over and over. Someday I might actually be good at them.
Thursday was buddy-less Buddy Training day, aka personal training. I did some work to stretch out my shoulders and then I got a core circuit. Have I mentioned that I am not a big fan of core work? Yes I understand that it will help me in so many ways, but we've established I am worse than a little kid in a lot of ways and I don't want to do what is hard for me. Luckily I am also a good little teacher's pet and Tyler told me to do it, so I was going to do it.
I found that it was hard, that it hurt, that I wanted to quit, but I didn't. It helped A LOT that I had Tyler close by reminding me it was temporary and to fight through it, but the push to finish what I started had to come from me. I could have quit, when I got to the 90 second plank at the end I was pretty sure I was going to quit. I hung on for 30 second intervals and eventually it ended. I was well rewarded for the core work: I got to deadlift the tractor tire and then use it for some farmer carries. Happy times...wish I'd thought to ask for some pictures or video of that. Next time.
Friday I went "home". No, Lyndonville is not home, but I went back to Fortitude Fitness Systems where it all started. I got to train under Ben again. It was familiar and I loved it. There were no moments when it was painful or hard to be there. I felt comfortable and welcome. I realized again how thankful I was for the solid foundation I was given. I took what I learned and applied it, but someone had to take the time to work through the walls and the defenses to be able to teach me. Last night I hope he saw the fruits of all his hard work.
I'm not done, not by a long shot. I'm trying out my wings and soaring under someone new. He didn't have an easy job with me at the start either. I put the walls up and stood behind them following directions and doing my best, but not completely trusting the process. It took time, but I came around. Thanks for your patience with me Tyler.
This morning I completed Saturday Morning Sweat. My eighth workout for the week. I feel good about the hang tucks I did and my box jumps. Maybe I only did two or three box jumps per round, but they were good jumps. I landed as lightly as I could and stuck my landing. I won't be the fastest box jumper around, but I'm determined to do them well.
I'm not running away from the hard stuff anymore. I might not be eagerly running to things that are hard, but I get there, gather my courage and do what I set out to do. The negative voices of the past are fading out. I have moments where the past crashes in, but it's only a moment, I can brace myself and come out just fine on the other side. I always could, I just didn't believe it.
I'll be 45 next week and I can't wait. Some things get better with age: I'm one of them. Just watch me!
Thanks for reading!
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