Not much of a hook, but it's true. I don't really think it's much of a confession...anyone who has known me for more than 5 minutes knows this about me: I fight my body. I like to say I'm not a super model and I never will be. I even know the super models don't really look like the airbrushed, photo shopped perfection we see on magazine covers.
The sad truth is, I WANT to have a perfect body.
I've done a lot of thinking about my body since last Saturday. I feel in many ways like I am constantly fighting it. I want it to be lean and slender. I say being strong matters to me and it does, but there's still that desire to have a body nature didn't bless me with and likely won't be giving me.
I should probably sit down, throw my tantrum and accept that I don't have a lean runner's body. My body seems much more suited to heavy lifting and I LOVE that type of work more than just about anything. I should be thankful that I am more fit, more healthy and so much stronger than I started out. What I should feel and reality are world's apart.
When asked last July what some of my goals were for buddy training I said that someday I wanted to run a half-marathon. At the time another voice in my head wanted to scream "HELL NO: I want to enter a strongman competition and show the boys who's boss!". I guess in my mind I've always thought I'd know I'd reached some level of fitness when I could run 13.1 miles.
I want my body to be something other than what it is. I want to be tall and lean, instead of feeling short and squat. I don't want powerful legs: I want thin legs. Everyone wants something they don't have, I know that and I want to accept the body I have, but I dig in my heels and refuse.
Here's another "confession" (or another moment you might want to slap me in the back of the head and say "DUH! I knew that!!"). I find the body I have ugly. I could dredge up childhood, point out all the times the man who should have supported me and encouraged me told me I was fat and I'd never be anything but fat then laughed at me when I said I wanted to ride horses and told me no horse would ever have strong enough legs to carry me. Oops, looks like I did dredge that up. The truth is, my father said those things to me, but I chose to take them to heart and believe them. I was the one who decided that what an angry, depressed alcoholic said to me was the truth and should be front and center in my mind at all times. I can't change what he said, but I sure as hell can control my thoughts and actions.
I've decided that running a half-marathon really isn't a goal for me. I will continue with 5Ks and I think I will try a 10K at some point, but really my body doesn't seemed designed to run. I can run and I'm grateful for that, but it is not an activity I love, it's probably time to stop fighting that and focus on the things I do love.
Which brings me to what my body seems designed for: lifting. I know I can't just dead lift, push the prowler or flip tires all the time. I know to get better I need to work on my balance, mobility and agility. I need to do the core work that is so hard for me and yep, I even need to run and do other exercises designed to increase my endurance. To my way of thinking, and I could be wrong, anything I do to improve my body can only help my strength. I know if I'm wrong about that I have some fitness professionals in my life who will let me know and point me in the right direction. Dead lifting 550 pounds is great, but if doing so makes my back ache for weeks I'm not doing myself any good, so I need a strong core. I won't promise not to whine and complain, but I will work on the v-sits, hold planks and do the core work.
My idea of beauty might not include the body I see in the mirror every day, but even I have to admit my body is strong and powerful. Perhaps I need to stop fighting it at every turn, get on board with my nutrition and make the body I was blessed with the best it can be. Lord knows not eating in the calorie range I've been told would be best for my activity level hasn't given me that lean body I desperately want. I need to stop trying to starve my body into what I want it to be. I need to stop wishing there was a pill that I could take and make all the fat go away and the loose skin disappear. I need to trust the entire process, not just the parts I want to.
So, if you are reading this TT, I am going to stop digging in my heels and being passive aggressive when you offer advice and direction. Trust doesn't come easily, but trusting the process with my workouts has yielded results I couldn't imagine. It's time I trust the process with nutrition as well. There might be whining and complaining, in fact I can pretty much guarantee you there will be, but I am going to take the step out of my comfort zone and extend that trust.
Now on with your day! It's beautiful out there and I feel the call of some yard work while I watch Abbey race, play and add to her stick collection.
Thanks for reading.
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