Again?

There have been so many things running around in my mind in the last two weeks. I've spent long nights wishing my mind would shut off . I have walked into my happy place feeling anything but happy. Sure, by the end of the workout I was feeling better and I actually smiled, but I started out wondering why I bothered.

I've debated whether I write about some of what's going on or not. At first I hesitated because I'm not looking for sympathy or anything like that. I am strong, I will move through this too. I might get stuck, I might look like I'm going down, but you can bet that if I go down, I'm not staying down. Now I'm hesitating, because the situation is what it is. Nothing I could write will change it and honestly, it is not that interesting. I'm not that interesting either if you get right down to it. I love to write, there are wonderful people who read what I write, but I am not that special.

What it boils down to is no matter how you try to hide from it change finds you. My life is changing and I am changing. That's causing the most over thinking now, wondering who I am.

I was always the shy one, the quiet one, the invisible one. I'm not really those things anymore. I'll never be the life of the party, I'm still quiet. I'm still shy. Give me a choice between a face-to-face conversation or an email and I'm going for email every time. It's just easier. Sorry to those of my friends who wish I'd just talk to them, but I'm more comfortable with written words. Then I can edit and I don't need to worry about stuttering or forgetting what I wanted to say in the middle of a sentence.

On the fitness front I'm changing too. I know I said here not all that long ago that I was not a runner. I was frustrated and disappointed with myself. I want to run, but I HATE the jiggle. There, I said it. The elephant in the room has now been addressed. I jiggle. My thighs jiggle, my belly jiggles, my arms jiggle. I'm one giant jiggle when I run. Couple the jiggle with my speed which is highly reminiscent of turtles plodding through peanut butter and it's not hard to see why I might decide that I am not a runner, nor will I ever be.

I feel lumpy and dumpy enough. Why the heck would I want to engage in a form of  exercise that lets me feel body parts jiggling, flopping and flapping with every step? I can focus on developing my strength and work on endurance with the rowing machine. Or so I tell myself while the part of me that never wants to back down from a challenge snarls that I'm a quitter.

I'm not a quitter. As much as it pains me, as much as the jiggling will make me wish for a home liposuction kit I will practice, I will jog, maybe someday I will run and not hate my body. Just please, please, please if you see me out there grimly enduring the jiggling, don't tell me to keep up my slow jog. I KNOW I'm not fast, I know I've been lapped by a turtle, but let me hold on to at least one illusion: Let me at least pretend that I'm running. I know comments like that aren't intended to hurt, they are meant as support. I get that and I appreciate the support, but a "keep going" would be just as good.

This body is mine for better or for worse. I don't really like it, in fact, not to put too fine a point on it I hate it. I am working on accepting it, on improving the body I have and celebrating what my body allows me to do. I'm not there yet, I'm a long, long way from there actually.

So...should you see me at Derby Elementary making my way around the track, or at Pride Fitness Performance jogging around the pond feel free to offer me a thumbs up or an "atta girl" or just nod, smile and go on your way. Just please don't mention that herd of turtles behind me who seem to be gaining. I know they're there...I'll outrun them someday.

I am backing away from my statement that I am not a runner. At least now when I run my lower back doesn't seize up and start aching. It's progress, slow though it may be, it is still progress.

Thanks for reading!