The Dance

Yes, I am in a Garth Brooks kind of a mood. I was fortunate enough to see him in concert in January with a phenomenal group of women I absolutely adore. This post is not about Garth Brooks though, so those of you who might not be huge Garth Brooks fans don't need to disappear. I do have a point, I will get to it...eventually.

Believe it or not there are times that words fail me, that no matter how much I want to put my feelings down I just don't have the words I need to express myself. If you've ever tried to carry on a face-to-face conversation with me the fact that I run out of words isn't a surprise. In fact, some of you may be reading this saying "WELL DUH!!!" Yeah, I'm a heck of a listener, not so good at conversation.

This blog started out solely as the record of the fitness journey I was starting. Along the way I veered off into the journey that is my life. The truth is my fitness journey and my life are hopelessly intertwined. What happens in my life has an impact on my fitness and the energy I devote to it.

I mentioned in my last post that my mind has been going just about nonstop. I decided that I wouldn't go into detail, but I've rethought that position. I might not be much of a conversationalist, but give me a way to write and I will spill my guts every damn time.

I am the queen of too much information when I sit in front of my laptop, some of you reading this know that for a fact. I could apologize, but I'm not planning to stop so there's no sense in saying I'm sorry. I might give you way more information than you ever needed to train me, work with me, or be my friend, but there are benefits. Seriously, there are and when I figure them out I'll get right back to you with them. Kidding, really, I'm kidding. I am rabidly loyal. I am a good listener.

I guess it's time to stop beating around the bush and just put it out there. My father has cancer. I pray for a miracle for him. I feel bad for him, my stepmother, my sister and my nephew. I have felt bad for not going to see him, but the truth is he and I do not have a relationship. That probably sounds like the height of callousness.

I am not that cold or that hard. The fact is we never saw eye to eye on anything. I was a mystery to him, the quiet, moody one. He parented me to the best of his ability, but we were absolutely never close. It's hard to be close to someone who considers it helpful to remind you frequently how fat you are. I'm not rehashing my childhood here, there is no reason and absolutely no point. I love my father, but I do not like him. End of story.

This is why my mind won't stop. Debating the right thing to do. Do I ignore my own feelings and do what feels absolutely wrong? Do I stand up for myself and do what feels right? A friend recently reminded me that the decision is mine to make and whatever I decide is right for me is fine and she supports me.

My workouts aren't just about building strength right now: they are about burning off some of the crazy. They are about pushing my body to the point that the only thing I can focus on is what I am doing in that moment. To avoid the risk of injury I need to focus on only what I am doing

Working out is my escape and my refuge. I am learning to trust. I am learning to listen to my body. I am learning to focus on the moment. I am trying to learn to leave the worry outside the studio door. Someday I hope to see myself the way others see me, not as a nuisance or a colossal pain in the ass.

The journey is passing through some rocky terrain at the moment, but this too shall pass. I will come out on the other side having learned what I needed to learn. If I could go back I would choose to miss this, but there are other things that are happening now, positive things that I would also have to miss. As Garth would sing "I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance". I'm not willing to miss the good just to avoid some pain.

Thanks for reading!