Demons

What happens when you finally decide enough is enough? When you realize all the hate and anger you direct at yourself isn't doing anything but killing your fledgling self-esteem inch by inch? When you step into an unfamiliar place and realize you are more scared then you have ever been in your life and all you want to do is run?

Someone commented earlier this week that I bury my demons deep and fight them on my own. Guilty as charged. I have learned to look to my friends for support, but I still insist on fighting the demons on my own. After the battle I turn to my support system and cry on the nearest shoulder before going off to lick my wounds.

Sometimes the battle doesn't leave wounds. It seems like it should, especially if its a demon that's been a part of me for many years. It seems it should leave huge, gaping wounds. Sometimes, or at least this time, the demon went down without any fight at all.  Healing happens when we aren't paying attention. Or so I've decided after some thought. All right...all right: I have been over thinking this since early Sunday morning.

For my squats last week I had three spotters, two flanking the barbell, ready to take it if I couldn't come back up and one behind me. Yes, I did say one behind me. I hate people being behind me, and someone I don't know spotting me from behind has long been a no-no in my book. I had the option of asking one of my coaches to spot me, but I decided against that. Tyler and Dane have taught me well. Tyler has pushed me outside my comfort zone when he could, just far enough to be sure I'd grow, never far enough to make me retreat. I wanted him to see just how far I've come. So sue me: I want to be the teacher's pet, or in this case, the coach's pet. I wanted both of them to be proud of me.

To be honest, of all the things that scared me last Saturday, being spotted from behind by someone I didn't know wasn't even on the radar. Let me give you a brief-ish rundown of what was on my radar.

1. There were at least 20 people there cheering me on...ME. Cheering for me...WTF??? When did I become a "cool kid"??

2. Dane helped me pick my weights for my rounds, but what if he way over estimated my ability? I couldn't let him down- I couldn't.

3. Tyler was there...what if I blew it completely??

4. Ben was there....again, what if I blew it?

5. I had two eggs for breakfast and a quarter cup of almonds to eat all day...that didn't seem like enough fuel. Would I be able to rally? (The granola bar I ate that stayed with me about 45 minutes didn't really count)

6. Nausea...When your childhood nickname is "The Vomit Comet" nausea is a concern. Besides the gold stars weren't in the bag with the rest of my gear.

7. Did I mention what if I couldn't do it?

8. When exactly did I forget other people would be doing this too?

9. Judges?? Seriously, did I not read the rules???

10. Could anyone else see my hands shaking and knees knocking? What if I couldn't even get the bar off the rack, or worse: I couldn't lift it off the ground.

Turns out I could do it and I did do it. I think I may have even made some people take notice.

I learned some things on Saturday, November 7, 2015. I finally recognized that I AM a force to be reckoned with. I knew I was strong, but I didn't know how strong. I experienced a completely new feeling. Not only was I proud of myself, but I felt confident. I knew that 352.74 pounds was coming off the floor. Adrenaline is a wonderful thing and I've experienced it before so I know it played a part.  Along with the adrenaline was a completely new feeling: confidence. The confidence that not only could I do it, but that I WOULD do it was brand new. There was a brief moment of worry that the confidence would be unfounded or that I would become an egomaniac, but I know how to rein myself in and I will. I am not a diva, I am not going to become an egomaniac. I know what I can do, I have no burning desire to rub other people's noses in it.

When confronted by someone recently who said "I bet you think you're pretty strong" I was able to respond "I don't think I'm strong: I KNOW I'm strong". I wasn't bragging, I wasn't trying to start anything with the other person. I was stating a fact and then I went back to the report I was writing. I won't ever apologize for being strong. By the same token I will not be goaded into something I don't want. I am too smart and too old to be baited.

The final demon has been well and truly slain. Let's see just where I can go when I am finally in my own corner. I don't expect to be the best at everything, but I have already seen a new level of determination and focus in myself. I don't always succeed (that 100 pound slam ball infuriates me), but I don't get angry or give up. I do my best and I will bide my time. I will absorb the training and correction, I will give all I have when it is asked of me. At the end of the day I will be the best I am capable of being and I will be enough. I will relish the fist bumps and high fives and allow myself to feel proud of what this body can do.

I am worthy. I am enough. I always have been, I was just slow getting to the party. I'm here now: let's do this!

Thanks for reading!