Are we there yet?

Remember being younger and your parents tell you you're going on a trip in the car? How long did it take before you were asking "Are we there yet?" According to my mother on trips to visit my grandparents in Quincy, MA about the time we hit the Orleans exit on I91 I was asking if we were there yet. Keep in mind we got on I91 in Newport. I am very surprised I actually lived through my childhood.

I've said it before: I am not a very patient person. When I want something I want it now. I can wait, but I'm not gracious about it.

So let me be honest right now: I want to be "there" in my journey. Not that I'm not enjoying the moments on the journey, I'm trying to at least. I don't even know where "there" is. I used to think being there meant a number on the scale, now I'm not so sure. Now I think there might be the number of pounds I can lift. 600 is a really nice, even number, but what if I can lift more than that?

I'm not sure I should be allowed to have vacation time. Not that it wasn't great getting in an extra group fit class and an extra Yoga Corr class, but when I wasn't working out I was at loose ends. There's a possibility I watched way more "reality TV" than is good for anyone. There's also a good chance that I saw the show "Botched" and several tummy tucks.

The idea is appealing, I'll admit that right now. All the loose skin gone, with liposuction to get rid of some fat. Yes it did show botched tummy tucks, but then the mistakes were fixed. Fortunately I don't have the money to get anything tucked and even if I did I don't like hospitals or surgery. Please...it takes me two years to schedule an annual physical. How likely do you think it is that I'm going to willingly submit to cosmetic surgery??

It's vain, that's another strike against it. Yes, I want a body that looks good in clothes, but it feels stupid, vain and pointless. I have a good idea that no matter what my body looks like I still won't like it. It's hard to like something that looks exactly like it did 60 pounds ago. We've been over that before though, let's not beat that to death again today.

So as intrigued as I was by the idea of "fixing" the body I have now it isn't going to happen. My fix will be much slower and I know there will always be things about my body I don't like and want to change. Even if it looks good to everyone else I'll be hyper focused on the flaws.

So what else did I do during my vacation besides binge watch reality TV? I worked out of course. Nine workouts in one week. It was almost 10, because Friday's group fit class was "Metal Health" and I LOVED it.

Since the Pride Games I've been trying to apply common sense to my workouts. I certainly could have gone back to Pride Fitness Performance on Friday morning for the 9 am class, Tyler might have asked me again if I wanted a part-time job, but he wouldn't have refused to let me participate. I could have flipped the tire, pulled the prowler, squatted with heavy kettlebells and tried to better my time in the finisher gauntlet. Chances are I would have been fine. The thing about that is as much as I am trying not to think too much about it Tough Mudder is coming up. In a little more than a month I will be starting my third Tough Mudder. I really can't afford any injuries right now.

Hauling my butt up and down Mount Snow will be hard, even if I had a tiny, perfect little hard body it would still be hard to haul it up and down the mountain. A good thing about Tough Mudder is when you get to an obstacle you usually get a chance to breathe for a minute or two while you wait your turn. I'm excited to complete the course with my team and I'm nervous. You see, my trainer will be there and I want to make him proud.

There's also my pesky habit of bursting into tears after I cross the finish line. Maybe this year I'll have whoever comes along as support crew carry tissues so I'm not soaking anyone's shoulder. Or I'll do what I did last year and hold it together until I get in the shower then sob to my heart's content with no one the wiser. Okay so those of you on my team who are reading this have now been warned: there will be tears.

Why the tears? If I'm going to cry at any time I should probably cry at the beginning when I think of slogging up and down the mountain for 10-12 miles, not at the end when it's over and I'm not too much worse for the wear. Go back to the title of the blog, I ask myself that question a lot as I move along the course. Mostly because there are points when I'm sure I can't go one more mile or one more foot. The best I can do is put one foot in front of the other and convince myself that I do have one more step. Then there comes the point when the anxiety builds and I can't get in a full breath and it's hard to breathe out. By the time I get to the end of the course I've pushed my body beyond what I ever dreamed it could accomplish. Combine the anxiety, the enormity of the task and the relief it is over and I don't think it's any wonder there are tears.

I'm not there yet, wherever there might be. I don't even have a hazy idea in mind of how I will know when I am "there". As impatient as I am the journey is kind of fun. I've picked up a great crew of people to support and encourage me. I've been lucky to work work with amazing trainers who know how to push me just far enough without pushing me over the edge. I'm leaving behind some of the negative thoughts and voices and other "garbage" that won't serve me while I discover who I really am.

Thanks for reading!

Battles

I have a confession.

Not much of a hook, but it's true. I don't really think it's much of a confession...anyone who has known me for more than 5 minutes knows this about me: I fight my body. I like to say I'm not a super model and I never will be. I even know the super models don't really look like the airbrushed, photo shopped perfection we see on magazine covers.

The sad truth is, I WANT to have a perfect body.

I've done a lot of thinking about my body since last Saturday. I feel in many ways like I am constantly fighting it. I want it to be lean and slender. I say being strong matters to me and it does, but there's still that desire to have a body nature didn't bless me with and likely won't be giving me.

I should probably sit down, throw my tantrum and accept that I don't have a lean runner's body. My body seems much more suited to heavy lifting and I LOVE that type of work more than just about anything. I should be thankful that I am more fit, more healthy and so much stronger than I started out. What I should feel and reality are world's apart.

When asked last July what some of my goals were for buddy training I said that someday I wanted to run a half-marathon. At the time another voice in my head wanted to scream "HELL NO: I want to enter a strongman competition and show the boys who's boss!". I guess in my mind I've always thought I'd know I'd reached some level of fitness when I could run 13.1 miles.

I want my body to be something other than what it is. I want to be tall and lean, instead of feeling short and squat. I don't want powerful legs: I want thin legs. Everyone wants something they don't have, I know that and I want to accept the body I have, but I dig in my heels and refuse.

Here's another "confession" (or another moment you might want to slap me in the back of the head and say "DUH! I knew that!!"). I find the body I have ugly. I could dredge up childhood, point out all the times the man who should have supported me and encouraged me told me I was fat and I'd never be anything but fat then laughed at me when I said I wanted to ride horses and told me no horse would ever have strong enough legs to carry me. Oops, looks like I did dredge that up. The truth is, my father said those things to me, but I chose to take them to heart and believe them. I was the one who decided that what an angry, depressed alcoholic said to me was the truth and should be front and center in my mind at all times. I can't change what he said, but I sure as hell can control my thoughts and actions.

I've decided that running a half-marathon really isn't a goal for me. I will continue with 5Ks and I think I will try a 10K at some point, but really my body doesn't seemed designed to run. I can run and I'm grateful for that, but it is not an activity I love, it's probably time to stop fighting that and focus on the things I do love.

Which brings me to what my body seems designed for: lifting. I know I can't just dead lift, push the prowler or flip tires all the time. I know to get better I need to work on my balance, mobility and agility. I need to do the core work that is so hard for me and yep, I even need to run and do other exercises designed to increase my endurance. To my way of thinking, and I could be wrong, anything I do to improve my body can only help my strength. I know if I'm wrong about that I have some fitness professionals in my life who will let me know and point me in the right direction. Dead lifting 550 pounds is great, but if doing so makes my back ache for weeks I'm not doing myself any good, so I need a strong core. I won't promise not to whine and complain, but I will work on the v-sits, hold planks and do the core work.

My idea of beauty might not include the body I see in the mirror every day, but even I have to admit my body is strong and powerful. Perhaps I need to stop fighting it at every turn, get on board with my nutrition and make the body I was blessed with the best it can be. Lord knows not eating in the calorie range I've been told would be best for my activity level hasn't given me that lean body I desperately want. I need to stop trying to starve my body into what I want it to be. I need to stop wishing there was a pill that I could take and make all the fat go away and the loose skin disappear. I need to trust the entire process, not just the parts I want to.

So, if you are reading this TT, I am going to stop digging in my heels and being passive aggressive when you offer advice and direction. Trust doesn't come easily, but trusting the process with my workouts has yielded results I couldn't imagine. It's time I trust the process with nutrition as well. There might be whining and complaining, in fact I can pretty much guarantee you there will be, but I am going to take the step out of my comfort zone and extend that trust.

Now on with your day! It's beautiful out there and I feel the call of some yard work while I watch Abbey race, play and add to her stick collection.

Thanks for reading.

Pride Games

Today I participated in the first Pride Games. What an AMAZING experience. It's been awhile since I've put myself out there for any kind of competition. I LOVED it. Of course, there were dead lifts, tire flips and the prowler. As competitive as I am, I did something that makes me even prouder today. I recognized I DO have limits and there are times it is wiser to step away and save it for another day.

When the events for the Pride Games were first posted I wasn't sure there was anything I could do. At the time I was sore, achy and (big surprise) down on myself. I'm down on myself a lot. It's just not okay. I have so much to offer and I don't because I worry if I can't be perfect I'm not going to be good enough. I've recognized that for a long time now, but change is hard. I step out of my comfort zone a lot, but when it comes to the way I think about myself and the way I talk to myself I don't step outside a comfort zone that should be incredibly uncomfortable. I guess some lessons and words stay with us for a very long time.

Anyhow, back to the Pride Games. They were so much fun, even if I missed part of the warm up because my sense of how long it takes to get places isn't as well-developed as it could be. The first event was one I knew wouldn't be my best, but I was going to try the Handstand Holds.

I am proud to report I held my handstand for 50 seconds. The very first time I ever did one I couldn't hold it more than 10 seconds. I hated them. I was upside down, my shoulders hurt and all I could do was worry what would happen when I fell. I didn't think about that today, when it started to hurt I came down from the handstand, no drama. I dropped first, but I'm fine with that. 50 seconds is great when 10 seconds used to be stretching it.

Next was tire flips with the 330 pound tire. LOVE THEM!!! Ten tire flips for time, I was all over that. I finished my ten flips in 46 seconds. Would have been less if I hadn't tripped over the tire after one of my flips, but 46 seconds was an amazing time. I tied with one of the guys competing for second. We had a choice of 10 more flips or 5 for time. He picked 5 and I agreed. I finished my 5 flips in 19 seconds. I came in second in the tire flip event. YES!!!

My next event was "Da Beast" or Tractor Tire Dead lifts. One of the times I stepped into the tire to prep for my lift I made the comment "THIS is my happy place". I mentioned in my last post that I've always been strong. I guess today more of my friends realized how strong. My final lift was 550 pounds, 330 pounds of tire and 120 pounds of dumbbells. I think I could have lifted more, but I exercised my common sense too and said that was my cut-off. I'd like to add that was my cut off for today, not forever. I intend to lift that tractor tire again. I won "Da Beast" and I had some stiff competition.

After that I had The Prowler push. My max push today was 700 pounds. I started pushing 752 pounds, but halfway through I knew it was too much. Yes, I'm pretty sure I could have forced the issue and finished, but it felt like a bad idea. A possibly injury inducing bad idea and I DON'T want to be injured. I am not patient with injury.

Once again, I was in a tie for second place. The sudden death this time was a push for time. I made it in 8.9 seconds, Brandon made it in 8.5 seconds. Me: I'm thrilled with pushing 700 pounds.

My last event was the Alpha Lion gauntlet. A Farmer's carry with the 100 pound KB, drop that. Pick up the dummy (or Mr. Big Stuff, as the 5:30 am crew call him) and carry him back to the start. Drop him. Do 30 push ups, making sure your chest touches the floor and you lift your hands off the floor each rep and then flip the 525 pound tire. Piece of cake...

I made 2 attempts, but just couldn't get that 525 pound tire to flip. The old me would have been FURIOUS with the failure. I wasn't thrilled, but I recognized what I had done: I'd done 60 push ups. I'd made a good showing and the tire was about not being able to figure out a good grip and how to coordinate the press and leg movement, not about not being strong enough. I will get it figured out, then watch out guys: I'm coming for you.

I didn't win the Pride Games, but I never went into it thinking I would. Congratulations to Pat Williams, who was the winner. He was amazing. Everyone who entered was amazing. I am fortunate to know such a strong, kind, supportive group of people.

I entered to test my strength, to better myself and to have fun with my friends. I accomplished all three goals. I think I finally also saw a glimpse of who I really am. I'm not 309 pounds anymore, I'm physically stronger than I thought and I'm learning to listen to my body. Time to move out of that uncomfortable comfort zone I've lived in and be the woman I really am.

Tractor Tire Dead Lift "This is my happy place."

Thanks for reading!

I Wish...

I read a blog last night that really caught my attention and made me think about the journey I'm on. I've been impatient lately and extremely critical of everything I do. Nothing feels good enough, my best effort just pisses me off. We won't even get into the fact that not being able to get to 2000 meters in 10 minutes on the rowing machine made me burst into tears while I rolled and stretched a tender groin muscle. WHAT THE HELL??!

Have I learned NOTHING in 4 years?

Enough ranting...back to the blog. The title was "8 Things I Wish I Knew When I First Started Working Out" (the link if you are interested in reading the post is https://blog.myfitnesspal.com/8-things-i-wish-i-knew-when-i-first-started-working-out/ ). In case I didn't get the link quite right it is also on my Facebook wall so you can find it. It was written by Shannon Clark and she makes perfect sense. I plan to reread that blog often (read daily) until I get my head screwed on straight and my attitude adjusted.

I suppose I should be thankful that I at least realize I'm being ridiculous. There is so much I can do that wasn't possible 4 years ago. I should celebrate that.


I wish I could be patient.

I shouldn't be looking across the studio to see someone else pushing the prowler with more weight than I did when it was my turn. I need to trust the process and I do know my trainer knows what's best. If that prowler isn't being loaded down for me there is a reason and I need to trust him on that. I shouldn't worry that valslide tucks are just as hard as they have always been, I should think about being able to hold a 3 minute plank or almost a minute handstand. With the handstand, what I probably really should celebrate is that when I came out of it I didn't kick either one of my partners. I'm strong, I'm not graceful or coordinated, but I'm improving.

I have always been strong, capable of lifting heavy things, it was just something I did. When family members moved it was me they looked to for help with the sofas or bureaus. I could lift, but I didn't have a clue about good form. I had years of backaches and muscle strains to prove that. Another thing I didn't understand was thinking it through: I was a jump in and muscle through it girl. If that file cabinet wouldn't move the way I wanted it to, I just pushed harder. Step back and scope out the situation? Umm...that would take time and patience. The result of that approach: scrapes, cuts, bruises and muscle strains.

There's something to be thankful for right there: I've learned patience and I practice good form every time. I probably annoy people who are waiting for me to pick up my end of the furniture so we can get on with things, but I am a stickler for being sure I'm lifting properly. Before it didn't matter, there was only that furniture to move. Now I know beyond the sofa I'm moving there are deadlifts to perform, prowlers to push, tires to be flipped and mountains to climb and come back down. I'm no longer willing to jeopardize future performance to make the task at hand go faster.


I wish I could be confident in myself and my abilities.

I have two months and one day to go until my third Tough Mudder and my third meeting with Mount Snow. I would love to tell you that I know I can do it and I am confident I will be ready. The truth is I am just as nervous now as I was the first time. When I think about it the butterflies kick in. So I try not to think about it.

Race day will come and I will be where I am, I will be who I am. I will give everything I have to give and I will cross that finish line. Whatever happens on the course I can guarantee I will cross the finish line.

Beyond Tough Mudder I want to be more confident in general. I don't think my ego will get out of control if I recognize there are things I do and do well.


I wish, sometimes, that I could see what's ahead. 

I love this journey, I'm not saying I'm done with it. Of course there are parts of it I am more than done with and there were people I dealt with along the journey I hope never to see again. In fact, not to put too fine a point on it: if I never see those people again it will be just spectacular with me. Sometimes I just wish I had a map so I could see the bumps in the road coming. I KNOW that's not possible, but let me have a few moments with my rose-colored glasses in my fantasy world.  I know the measure of who I am as a person is how I deal with the unexpected. A little less unexpected might be a nice touch, but I'm fairly certain my wants and needs aren't the most important in the world.


So there you have it...how I can take a blog post someone wrote on what she wishes she had known when she started working out and turn it into what I wish for when I can't shut my mind off enough to go to sleep.

Happy Easter everyone.

Thanks for reading!